I Think I'm More Inclined To Help My Freinds And Such Than They Are To Help Me. Even If It Is Paranoia

When I like or relate to a character enough, I'll often take their name and use it for myself. Im not quite sure why i do this if im being honest, I dont do it very often to but when i find a character, i really love. i can't help but want to be like them. i dont like my name at all. It has no elegance or interest in it or anything remarkably nice about it. "......" It's boring, but i suppose all names are after a while. It has 6 letters in it, which is a cold number, but it is even, and it has mostly warm letters, which are nice [I dont like cold numbers or odd numbers]. It means something to do with religion, which is ironic cause im probably going to end up in hell anyway. None of my close friends call me it anyway, I'm usually referred to ell although i wouldn't mind more people calling me tori or jane, which are all names I've taken from characters i like. Tori/victoria from Solitaire, Jane Doe from Ride the Cyclone, my favourite musical, and the genderbent version of Edd from eddsworld Ell. [who I have since claimed as my own character]..it feels silly but when i find somthing or somone i can really relate to i desire to have some sense of similairty of closeness with them wich i find the easist to achive with name, albeit it has created this sort of affect where i feel i have no real name at all. Although theres only 3 I've really taken on I've been told that i have lots of actual names that my parenrs have aince forgotten with of course the addition of the various ways to say my name and the english version. But if im being honest, im not sure I'll ever have a name that will ever fit me, meaning or sound wise. I guess that it's my fate to be nameless and avoid any proper recognition, and so in addition to my void, i can now add a blank sheet signed "nameless."[Not my art]

Cheese

Every so often, I get slightly tiered if asking people if they are okay, I want to help people I do, but at some point, it becomes sort of draining if the other person never bothered to ask back. Sometimes, being caring can be rather lonely because when the people you know constantly give something wrong but never ask about you, then it can get rather isolated. Although I'm slightly contradicting myself as I can't accept help because I don't want to bother people with my problems, at the same time I at least want to be asked yk?[Not my art]

Posted this on tiktok but wanted to share it here too. Pls pls pls interact rtc fandom 🙏🙏

I think I've realised I'm bad luck. Everyone I meet every person I interact with as soon as I come into their lives. It all seems to turn to shit. Every second everyday I'm tourmented with paranoia that gets worse with people and I've found that that it manifests itself and fucks up other people's life. I feel like everyone would be better off without me, and I honestly wish they'd see that too, I think I have attachment issues because as soon as I befriend or come close with someone, I instantly desire to leave them, somtimes for selfish intent and somtimes for altruism but none the less I always do. I wish I had the guts to cut people of cold because as soon as I enter somones life as nice as I try to be I fuck up everyone around me without trying. I don't think I want to do that again. I dont think anyone deserves that, and I dont think I deserve anyone else. No one seems to be able to see that eventually, I'll just end up dragging people down. I'm a very avid reality thinker I often think of every conceivable reality where maybe things could be different but I know everyones life would be better if I wasnt in it, I'd rather they pain staklingly get support then wallow in their sadness while I coddle them, I've given up on myself and so should they. Im the losing dog that people bet on, and unbeknownst to them, they shouldn't.[Not my art] [Oc writing read desc for context]

Glass bottles [Tw Blood]

When I was little, i had these plastic glass bottles

The first thing I did was spit my blood inside

I watched it sloth around as the cork got stained with red

I liked looking at my blood it was like a part of myself I woefully shed

My own blood I had decided to hide away and store.

My own blood, I let rot along, soaking into the cork.

Days later, i was going to eat it but saw the blood dried and faded almost dead

It was on the sides and screw this horrible brown colour, almost the embodyment of dread

Yet i still cleaned it out and ate it

My desperation is unmet.[Not my art] [character poem]

I feel very insecure in my feminity. Ever since I've started going to "..." I've noticed that as feminine as i like to be, compared to the other girls, I look quite like a boy. They all have long hair and nice boobs with big butts and things like that. My hair used to be longer, but i started to pick it out because there was always oil and things stuck in it, which made me feel a little disgusting. Once in engineering, a kid looked straight at me for a full minute and went, "I honestly can't tell if it's a boy or a girl." It. As if i was an object. (People who use it/its pronouns are totally valid) It didn't bother me at first, but it started to later on. I dont have long hair or long flowy eyelashes.. I dont have a nice curvy body or anything that counts as "Feminine." To be fair i used to be a wannabe masc so i guess he wasnt that far off but now I like to be as elegant and girly as possible [although i never get the chance to] so i guess it just bothered me. I even got told i look like I'd be a tomboy, and when i said "i like Maxi Dresses," he went "oh," so that didn't help much. I dont know why it bothered me so much.. I want to be looked at and seen as a beautifully haunting person. Even if i can't be seen as beautiful, I wouldn't want to be seen as a tomboy. Not even just that, but all the girls in my school wear their shirts as if they have to cling on to them for dear life or something while im here in my baggy shirt and sweat pants. For as long as i can remember, I really never knew how i wanted to dress or look. That is, of course, until i figured out what an aesthetic was and had a slight identity crisis, but I'd quite like to be seen as feminine. I dont particularly want to feel or be seen as a boy.. if you dont want to be seen as one, it kinda sucks. I very rarely look back on when i used to be a wannabe masc but i do remember on how i was barely sure i wanted to be like that and I'm still not completely sure if i want to be like who i am now.[Not my art]

I dont think I'll ever be able to believe someone when they say their okay. I tet so paranoid, and i can never ever believe a word they say I feel like I need physical evidence, and if they've lied once, I'll never believe it again.

Every so often, I am reminded of my dysfunctional brain as it scrambles to remember thoughts that I feel that I do not have anymore and have lost in the deep sea of changing desires and misery and Like my sanity my brain is slowly decaying with every passing day as I have denied myself a rose coloured life and wallow in the tainted window of my own self reflection and hinder on every small detail of every small thing I did to mess up. Everything in the world is my fault. If I can't save everyone, then I dont deserve saving.[Not my art]

NOT MY ART

Hello all I hope your having a lovley evening day or night, im just posting these pictures here because I need help on a character. I was just wondering what one may describe the clothing the characters are wearing as or what aesthetic it may be. Ive tried clown and jester but it hasnt really helped so im seeking help here, any help would be very appreciated<33 if I had to choose the one most accurate to what im imagining I'd say 4 and 3.