I Laugh At How Redundant People Sound When They Whine About How Youth Nowadays Get Offended By Everything

sometimes I can tell when an episode is going to hit me y'know? my chest sinks and my head feels like all the air's been drained out of it, like till now it's been filled with water and feeling as such, but then when an episode is about to hit me or when I feel it coming, that water just flows out. and my throat feels cloggy and my tummy/chest area feels weird. Nowadays I can distract myself before it hits because I've numbed myself down so much and I've suppressed myself to much that I can swish it away or press it down so that I can prevent one, but then I just go back to feeling lonely or empty or whatever. and yeah, that's bad too

damnnn, I see people actually liking my posts and I'm super grateful, but tbh I use this platform to post drafts and stuff like that hehe - Tumblr is kind of like my post space? If that makes sense. I didn't expect this, but thank you 🥺🖤

"you're tired? How are you tired??? You barely do anything the entire day"

I wake up when my body tells me to just duck everything and stay in bed the entire day, I take a shower when all I feel like is to lay on the fucking bathroom floor under the hot water, I eat lunch when I have 0 appetite, I live when my brain has fucking suicidal ideations daily. Don't fucking tell me I do barely anything because having a fucked up mental health affects you physically too

TW : VIOLENCE AGAINST ANIMALS//DEATH

SPOILER ALERT FOR FLEABAG

I keep thinking about the scene where Fleabag tells Boo about the 11 year old boy who was put in juvie because he inserted the rubber part of the pencil up a hamster's rectum, and instead of making a joke about it or saying something on the lines of how he deserved it, Boo is surprised that they didn't provide him with proper mental health care. She tells Fleabag that he obviously wasn't happy, because "happy" people don't do things like that - he should've been given help instead of a punishment. She says the entire point of pencils having an eraser at the end is cause people make mistakes.

Now flash forward to the future where Fleabag tells people how Boo died - she wanted to make her boyfriend feel guilty for cheating on her by getting admitted to a hospital for light injuries, she did not want die by suicide, but unfortunately that wasn't how it went - and we realise that Boo made a mistake, and it wasn't one that could be corrected using an eraser. That is also when we realise that Boo wasn't a "happy" person either, because "happy" people don't do that.

Instead of demonizing her for emotional manipulation, or blaming her for dying, Fleabag is compassionate and that is one of the million reasons why I love this show.

TW suicide

Um, I keep watching new shows and new books and stuff so that I could be like oh let this one be over oh let this get over so that I don't reach the peak of suicidal thought? And um I just want a new therapist and proper therapy plan so that I could get Better Or in scared that I will reach and maybe go over that peak maueb

I genuinely feel like my family doesn't like me. I know they love me, because family and stuff, but there's a difference between liking someone and loving someone when it comes to familial relationships you know? I was having terrible, terrible, horrible, craving for death kinda cramps today and I desperately needed emotional support and I was crying and calling out to anybody, I literally yelled "somebody please" and they heard that and my grandma was coming and my uncle was like, I could hear him from the room, where are you going amma, don't go and stuff as if I was troubling her and I was an annoying baby who was crying and would stop it's crying when ignored long enough or something, but my grandma came and was like you know I have work, so I can't sit here with you, blah blah and your mom will come soon with the hot water bag, all this is happening because you never listen to us when we tell you to exercise so that your muscles will stretch, you don't even listen, now you're suffering etcetc and a lot of insensitive and cold stuff like that, not at all emotionally sensitive or comforting when I was suffering and I felt so fucking bad, so fucking heartbroken that I went silent. Then my mom came with the hot water bag and stuff and she lay with me for a while, not for me, but because she got an excuse to look at her phone and rest (she has a leg problem, so for that too) and then after a while, the water become lukewarm/cool and I told her that the hot water bag helped and if she could heat the water up and bring it and she sat up and kept looking at her phone and I waited for a while and the pain was returning so I asked her again and I was pissed that time, but I controlled it as much as I could (didn't yell like I usually did), and she was like stop getting angry and used her leg as an excuse as yo whyc she wasn't moving (which was an excuse because you can actually see the difference right? When a person is making an excuse and actually not okay) and scolded me a bit. Basically, when I needed softness and comfort and maybe a little pampering, all I got was bluntness, hard love, annoyance and being ignored. I don't remember the last I felt so fucking bad because of something people actively did (not internally feeling bad or hurt feelings feeling bad, feeling pathetic and like a burden). The words "I'll just kill myself and you'll all be finally rid of me and won't have a pain in tbe ass" was at the tip of my tongue (and I can't count how many times this thought ran through my head today), and if I was more non-woozy and had a teeny bit more energy, I would have blurted it out, honestly. I feel so fucking sick, in the miserable vaala way.

I don't feel like touching anyone or being touched today (it's just like that sometimes), and it's a nonverbal day today, which means it takes so so much energy to talk and I really don't want to; but my cousin just told me she has "a lot of things to tell you!" and she's touchy-feely and I'm dreading this so fucking much but I don't know what to say to her because -

1. She's a kid

2. She gets upset very easily

And fuck, I just want to be alone

Reasons why Grey's Anatomy is the best f*cking show ever:

(I've only reached S13, so no spoilers plis.but spoiler alert for those who haven't reached there - no major ones, but still)

1. The people. What is amatonormativity . It does not exist. All the relationships portrayed in the show - be it professional, familial, platonic, romantic; every single connection is meaningful and wholesome. MEREDITH AND CHRISTINA's relationship is what I yearn for, it is EVERYTHING. Alex and Meredith has my heart. Izzie and George (before the drama). George and Meredith. Derek and Christina's. Derek and Mark's - Mark saying he came back for Derek. Jackson and Mark's relationship. Teddy and Christina's. Mark, Arizona and Callie's relationship. Arizona and Alex's relationship. Addison and Alex's. Webber and Bailey's relationship. And these are only a select few I'm naming off the top of my head. There is genuine remorse when a friend hurts a friend, romantic partners aren't placed on a pedestal. Meredith does not kick her friends out of the house even after she gets married. Her found family doesn't disappear/isn't suddenly unimportant just because she's found romantic love.

And even the romantic relationships are so organic, so realistic. Even if there's drama, it's not toxic drama. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE how much importance is given to building relationships, to putting in effort.

And the stories of certain patients - the two women who decide to have and raise babies together. The two best friends, "cradle to the grave". The old couple, where the husband is helping the ill wife find a girlfriend for her new boyfriend. Another pair of best friends, making a deal to have a child together if they're single at 40.

Most connections exist for a reason. No one is disposable. Even the ones who leave are remembered, they don't disappear from the minds of their loved ones, unlike in most books/media. People actually value those they connect with. Even break-ups, deaths, endings, are all portrayed with the gravity they deserve.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll stop myself here. Also I might've accidentally left out certain points because one- my memory sucks, and also because I've come this far (show-wise I mean, not in life, HAHA, jk).

2. The casual queer representation. They have done it PERFECTLY. Everything about the queer rep in the show - *chef's kiss*

The only issue I had with the show was how they dealt with sex. How the concept of not having sex, or having sex much later in life etc was treated as a joke. Also, certain things Callie said didn't sit well with me at all.

But otherwise, I loved how they showed different generations, different kinds of queer people and relationships. Trans people, intersex people. People with bodies which don't fit into the norm. Queer sexuality. Just lovely.

3. How mental health issues are treated. AND HOW DISABILITY IS PORTRAYED. Keeping aside all the "jokes" or certain terms used, when it actually came down to it? The show portrayed mental illness wonderfully. Be it depression, be it addiction, be it OCD,(though this one was pretty insensitive at times - but that's not on the show, that's on the characters), be it PTSD (superbly realistically portrayed), be it schizophrenia. The way Arizona being disabled was portrayed; the episodes with the veterans; April saying being deaf needn't be a weakness or something "to fix"; that a person doesn't need their disability to be "cured" to become whole. How different bodies are portrayed - demonization of bodies is criticized, it's never encouraged.

The way Alex treated people with mental illnesses, the way he spoke about them (looking past the crude language, looking at him as an individual), is how it should be. One of the scenes I hold close to my heart is the way he explained to Jackson why, and how it was unfair to judge the actions of a patient while healing them or speaking to their family (more on this in the next point).

While this isn't connected to mental illness, and I'm requesting y'all not to misunderstand, I'm including this under this point because it's related to mental health - I love love love how Mark and Jackson ensure that the reason why people are getting plastic surgery is for themselves, not for anybody else. I love how there's no shaming, how it isn't shown as a shallow, vain field.

4. Not a single character is solely a good person, or a bad person. Everyone is multidimensional. Everyone has a story. Everyone is - pun intended - grey. They've all said or done something problematic, questionable or just wrong; but these same people show growth, they evolve. They also do things which show loyalty, compassion, and strength. There is nobody I actually, deeply dislike because they are an amalgamation of shades, I cannot fully dislike or put on a pedestal anyone in the show because they're written as complex, multifaceted beings. They're written as human. Which not many writers can do, it's an incredibly difficult, and at the same time, a beautiful thing to achieve.

Even people who did commit actual crimes weren't portrayed as evil criminals. They were shown to be as human as anyone. Their actions weren't excused, they weren't given a free pass, but they were still portrayed as people, instead of irredeemable monsters.

5. Feminismmmmmmm. Just scattered throughout the show like yummy sprinkles. I loved how characters actually speak about race, and racism. Very socially aware.

Mistreatment and dismissive treatment by professionals is a relevant issue that is portrayed throughout the show. The way consent was handled - so important!

Okay ,my brain feels wrung-out, so I'll stop here. I might edit this to add more points or write a pt. 2. The reasons why I love this show is inexhaustible, endless. And I'm sure I'll find more to love as I keep watching.

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡