Missing You Michael, And The Girl I Think I’ll Call Sachiel.. Hoping That A Code Name That Is Two Layers

very close to giving up. i feel like i need to go back to the damn ward. i hate that this is my life, and that none of it gets to be easy.

i am tired.

‘everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it’ is cute and all til u have bpd and go genuinely psychotic when someone abandons you

do all dogs really go to heaven?

i miss you. i love you. i want you here and it hurts that you aren't.

the urge to bleed out on the bathroom floor while music plays in the background

the most punk rock thing i do is wearing my rapist/physical-assaulter/abuser’s ring occasionally whenever things are bad.

it’s like a lil reminder that i will survive, and that’s p cool :)

Untitled 9.12.23 (excerpt) - My head lolled against the cool glass of the SUV’s window, Bridgers blasting through air pods, the eternally grey world of Western Pennsylvania blurred by intermittent rain. I have the thought that my therapist is the only person on this planet who truly knows me. That she alone is whom I have laid my soul bare to and has been the only one to accept its abominable sin without falter. And even this yields to the fact that this is what she is trained to be. An artificial connection forged on the basis of years of schooling. No one will ever understand me just because they want to, nor just because they care.

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING THIS GOD FUCKING DAMNED DISORDER I WANT TO RIP ALL OF MY HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD OH MY G O D

this study has me all sorts of fucked up. i feel super shitty for a lot of my behavior and my just entire being right now. i’ve always been told since i was younger that i was this unfeeling manipulative monster, what if it’s true? what if all the doctors are lying or just don’t know enough to tell me that i’m horrible? how i endanger people, act shitty, am just wholly the demon my father said i was?

how do you cope? how do you just move on from that self reflection that you possibly aren’t the way close people say you are? how do i know what is real? who to trust?

i need to talk to dez but i don’t even know what i would say-