8.7.24 Excerpt-

every time i make a mistake im like theyre going to put me down like a sick dog

life is so bad i literally want to kms lol :’)

sometimes i wonder if michael stalks this account, he has no idea it exists, but i still get nervous to reveal specific details about him anyways.

i saw a girl on my fyp swinging a lightsaber and flashes of the night at the football field flooded my mind. Which reminded me of all the stars we could see that night, making me think about the backyard picnic- and how the summer night breeze rushed through my hair as i ran and ran and ran while you chased me all across the field. the way you would grab me and haul me over your shoulder as you dragged me back to the blanket giggling all the way. I thought about all the ice cream, and the parking lots, the 3am paragraphs, and the endless destination-less car rides.

the way we didn’t talk for years and you still remembered how to get to my house by heart.

i miss you. i cant yell it any louder. i miss you michael. but you left and i need to move on. but how am i supposed to stop grieving the man that i wrote about in my notes app- the one i said i was sure i knew in some past life somewhere. the guy i was sure saw me.

i’m sorry my disease riddled mind made me too difficult to deal with. i wish i could have been better for you, i really do.

i wish the gods could fix me. i hate being this way.

4.23.22 - Springtime Winter (excerpt)

I tell him how my dad is clearly trying to kill me, by leaving all of the windows open. I feel a passive pang of ideation. I don't tell him how I wish that it actually would.

what if i like, just started manifesting that he came back? :D

(yes this is about who we all think this is about lmfao, im pathetic and need to speak to my therapist)

it’s this pink haired girl, her pink vape, and her Gods against the world i think.

general appreciation post to my gods below:

Ares- i will never be able to repay you for all of the fight that you’ve instilled within me this semester. i made it through a shitload of work and some really god awful days without going to the psych ward yet this year. you deserve more appreciation than i could ever give and i cannot wait for the day that i will be able to properly worship and have an altar in your name.

Hermes- you were the one who started this all for me. without you i would have never discovered the light of the gods. i thank you every single day for this reason, and i will continue to thank you until the day that this life is over for always being my north star.

Hestia- i thank you for blessing my room (home) and my worship, and also the ability to subtlety pray when i can. Thank you Lady Hestia for all that you have given me.

Zeus- i thank you all father for the blessings you have given me, for the blessings i have been too blind to outright recognize, and for always being there. thank you.

May i stay pious, may i be a good person, may the light of the Gods continue to sine on me for eternity.

being abandoned by my two fps, im going to throw up. killing myself 😙✌️

my self discovery journey is off to like the most insane start?? the universe has really decided that now is the time i finally get my shit together and be the person i only wished i could be. the coincidences are starting to feel more like fate. i want to talk to the Gods quickly on the subject and make sure that i am on my highest path,, but i think i’m really doing it guys. i just read the most empowering book about the universe and power of belief. i have the will, i just have to start to believe.

like the random compliments i’ve been giving are coming easier, enjoying my days and finding the good is still tough but i’m getting there, the last step is realizing that i am not what my father thinks i am- which will hopefully come faster than i could ever expect.

daniel once again reminds me that i am evil, literally his exact words tonight. what he doesn't know is that my buba is teaching me the power of belief and that i will brute force this into existence that i am good and kind and sweet and nice.

she and her books also say i need to forgive him, i don't know if i ever can.