Bridges.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

Numb. Yes, that’s the word. I want to feel numb. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad. One minute I trust you, the next I think you’re a liar.

Trust. It can’t go on without trust. And you’ve ruined that trust once before. I used to think you were the best person in the world. Now I’ve come to learn you’re the worst of them all.

And I refuse to trust you again. I won’t do that to myself. You’ve put me through enough.

Nostalgic.

Today was meant to be a happy day - a day that symbolized me getting back on my feet after a struggling emotionally and physically these past few years. I was so excited about today that I couldn’t fall asleep. With my busy lifestyle, not immediately falling asleep as soon as I lay down in bed is an indicator that something is up. 

But today finally came. I officially started a new chapter in my life. However, it also made me reminisce on the past. The lifestyle I had, the friends I kept close... So much has changed. Nothing particularly bad had happened, just time. Time changes everything. Everyone has their own lives to live, their own paths to follow. And sometimes, it just means our paths don’t cross anymore, and we are meant to go about that path alone now. Or at least until we come across an opportunity to make new friends.

But still, I’m missing some of my good friends today. We all still talk, but it isn’t the same. To my friends: I miss each and every one of you, and I hope you’re all doing well. I hope we all get a chance to reconnect soon. 

Sorry.

I'm one of those people that is guilty for over-apologizing. "Sorry, I'm in your way." "Sorry, you dropped that because I distracted you." Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. To me, a sorry doesn't cost a lot and is something I don't mind giving out. However, there comes a time when you realize that the word "sorry" doesn't solve everything and that the other person truly doesn't deserve that word. Instead, I end up feeling sorry still for the other person, who is unable to see their mistakes and move past it. Just because I won't apologize doesn't mean I'm still lingering over it. Often, it means I don't care. If I've moved past it, what's keeping you from doing so at all? And so I end up feeling sorry after all. Oh, the irony.

Meh.

Today has been one of those days - the ones you don't absolutely hate, but you definitely don't love either. It feels like one of those days that you could have lived without. For all those that are saying, "Oh, that means you aren't living life to the fullest! Shame on you!" please stop. You can't expect every day to be glorious and amazing. You have to have your share of good and bad days in order to appreciate life. So although today hasn't been great, tomorrow might be. Until then, I shall wait.

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Being strong.

Always putting on a front.

Staying busy.

Keeping my mind occupied.

With anything.

To avoid thoughts of you.

To avoid thoughts of the past.

What’s done is done.

It is what it is.

So why can’t I move on already?

Confrontation.

Is it better to wait it out to see what happens, or is it better just go outright and ask what's going on? What if the timing isn't right and you just messed everything up? Is it necessary to know right this instance, if nothing is really wrong? Or does the fact that the curiosity is eating at you enough to make you push for an answer? Or maybe it's just a waste of time to bother. Maybe it's all too late and the changes have already been made. And who are you to alter what's already happened?

Unsaid.

Some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve never been good with words, especially on the spot. I usually take my time to think about what I want to say and sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

But sometimes, there’s no point in saying anything more. If it’s not going to change anything or fix the problem, why say more and possibly bring more hurt? The trust has already been broken, wounds already inflicted. We can’t go back and change the past. Some mistakes you can fix, some you can’t. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another thing altogether.

So I’ll just leave it as it is.

Disappointment.

You aren't human if you haven't come across disappointment in your life at least one or a few times. Even though you prepare yourself for the worst, you still hope it didn't end up that way. You prayed and searched for that sliver of hope, only to be as elusive as that sliver you were hoping for. But don't give up just yet. Disappointment is temporary. If it matters, you can always go back and try again. If not, you put it behind you and move on. The choice is yours. Ready to move forward now?