Rainymood27 - Welcome To My Thoughts

Hardship.

They say life becomes richer after hardship, that you get tougher, your heart grows stronger.

But what if I don’t feel those things?

I’m just grateful to have survived that hardship. But I’m still trying to figure out the lesson that hardship presented. Why did I have to go through that? How have I grown from it? Am I tougher or just more guarded now? Is my heart stronger or more wounded?

Bridges.

"It takes both sides to build a bridge." But does it only take one side to burn it down?

Talking to Strangers.

It's been about a week since I've gotten back to reality. While on my trip, I met some very kind strangers. It was my first trip on my own, and I relied heavily on Google, Yelp, and the kindness of strangers. Some of these strangers led me to the most amazing sites I would never had stumbled across if I continued to blindly follow my tourist map. Some of these strangers also informed me about the most delicious, low down places to eat as well. The thing about trips is that they get your mind off of the stress back home. One thing I didn't expect was to help a stranger relieve some of his current stress since he was at home, not on a trip like me. That moment when what I said turned on the lightbulb in his own thoughts. I could see it not only all over his face, but in his eyes as well. He also started to cry. He then exclaimed, "how is it that a young girl like you could realize all that now when it's taken me almost a lifetime to realize what you just told me?" That thought resonated with me. I don't think it's fair to say I picked up on some life thought easier than he did. I just think everyone has their own experiences and will naturally have different life lessons that come on their own schedule. So the moral of this long story? Don't be afraid to talk to all strangers. You never know who will help you or who you can help in return.

Patience.

Patience was never a virtue I thought I had. I mean sure, I have enough patience to wait for my Amazon package to arrive or the will power to not open a Christmas present early. But waiting for things to change, for things to change in my current life’s state, is difficult.

Waiting for that kind of change is so hard. You work towards the change to the best of your ability, but there is no end date or estimated time of arrival. With Amazon packages, you have tracking notifications. With Christmas presents, you know it occurs on the same day every year. But with life, no one knows. The only think I know is I’m still trying and I’m trying to make progress.

But how far I’m getting, how much closer I am, I wish I knew.

Nostalgic.

Today was meant to be a happy day - a day that symbolized me getting back on my feet after a struggling emotionally and physically these past few years. I was so excited about today that I couldn’t fall asleep. With my busy lifestyle, not immediately falling asleep as soon as I lay down in bed is an indicator that something is up. 

But today finally came. I officially started a new chapter in my life. However, it also made me reminisce on the past. The lifestyle I had, the friends I kept close... So much has changed. Nothing particularly bad had happened, just time. Time changes everything. Everyone has their own lives to live, their own paths to follow. And sometimes, it just means our paths don’t cross anymore, and we are meant to go about that path alone now. Or at least until we come across an opportunity to make new friends.

But still, I’m missing some of my good friends today. We all still talk, but it isn’t the same. To my friends: I miss each and every one of you, and I hope you’re all doing well. I hope we all get a chance to reconnect soon. 

Thousands of Times.

I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.

I guess we’re strangers now.

All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.

Of extreme sadness.

Who do I turn to now?

Empty Words.

I think everyone is guilty of saying "empty words" at one point in their life. In my case, I apologize a lot for things that aren't even my fault. Like if someone tells me, "I got a ticket before headed over here." My automatic response would be, "Oh, I'm so sorry!". "I know that might be how most people would reply in that situation. However, if you think about it, aren't you apologizing for something unrelated to you? It's so easy to sympathize with someone and apologize for whatever misfortunes have fallen upon them. However, when it really counts, can any of us proudly and bravely apologize when we need to? I know I'm still learning how to...

Falling Apart.

And this is how they fell apart... Lack of words, lack of communication.... Too much confusion, too much misunderstanding... Too late to turn back...

Sometimes when you're up so high, you can feel so small.