Thousands Of Times.

A haiku for you.

Once upon a time

You left but I still stayed here

I miss you so much.

Life repeats itself.

Wow, it’s been a good few years since I’ve written in here. Does anyone even use this platform anymore?

Regardless, I’m just here to empty my thoughts again.

You’d think at my age, I would have learned better from my mistakes. But here I am, years later, scrolling through previous posts and once again, I’m finding myself in the same situations again.

Growth is hard. It really is. Whether it’s a change in careers, saying goodbye... it’s all hard. But growth makes you stronger. It prepares you for what’s ahead. And hopefully there are much, much brighter days ahead.

Or so they say.

Confrontation.

Is it better to wait it out to see what happens, or is it better just go outright and ask what's going on? What if the timing isn't right and you just messed everything up? Is it necessary to know right this instance, if nothing is really wrong? Or does the fact that the curiosity is eating at you enough to make you push for an answer? Or maybe it's just a waste of time to bother. Maybe it's all too late and the changes have already been made. And who are you to alter what's already happened?

Unsaid.

Some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve never been good with words, especially on the spot. I usually take my time to think about what I want to say and sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

But sometimes, there’s no point in saying anything more. If it’s not going to change anything or fix the problem, why say more and possibly bring more hurt? The trust has already been broken, wounds already inflicted. We can’t go back and change the past. Some mistakes you can fix, some you can’t. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another thing altogether.

So I’ll just leave it as it is.

Time.

Time is a funny thing. It could mean everything. Or it could mean nothing.

Sleep, where art thou?

Look like my insomnia is back tonight. I haven't had bad cases since college, but when I get really stressed I just can't sleep. It's not like I'm even actively thinking about things. Maybe it's just all in my subconscious but it's enough to keep me up. I tend to worry. A lot. I know it's not a good thing, but it's in my nature. Someone used to tell me that I worry too much, but he admired that aspect of me. I never understood why. Why would overthinking and excessive worrying ever be a good thing? Did he not know I have a crazy strict conscience, where things literally eat at me? (True story: I get stress ulcers when I stress.) So whenever something doesn't go the way I planned or I'm anxious about something, my head and body goes into worry mode. To anyone reading this: don't be like me! Don't stress over the little things. Everything happens for a reason. If things don't go the way you wanted, just give it time. Maybe it will go your way after all. Just don't give up. Don't lose faith. With that said, I'm working on following my own advice. Everything will be okay!

Talking to Strangers.

It's been about a week since I've gotten back to reality. While on my trip, I met some very kind strangers. It was my first trip on my own, and I relied heavily on Google, Yelp, and the kindness of strangers. Some of these strangers led me to the most amazing sites I would never had stumbled across if I continued to blindly follow my tourist map. Some of these strangers also informed me about the most delicious, low down places to eat as well. The thing about trips is that they get your mind off of the stress back home. One thing I didn't expect was to help a stranger relieve some of his current stress since he was at home, not on a trip like me. That moment when what I said turned on the lightbulb in his own thoughts. I could see it not only all over his face, but in his eyes as well. He also started to cry. He then exclaimed, "how is it that a young girl like you could realize all that now when it's taken me almost a lifetime to realize what you just told me?" That thought resonated with me. I don't think it's fair to say I picked up on some life thought easier than he did. I just think everyone has their own experiences and will naturally have different life lessons that come on their own schedule. So the moral of this long story? Don't be afraid to talk to all strangers. You never know who will help you or who you can help in return.

And I Let Go.

And today, I’ve decided.

That I will let go.

Let go of the past. Of all those fond memories.

No use reminiscing the past if it’s only bringing up sad feelings.

Look at what you just lost.

Meh.

Today has been one of those days - the ones you don't absolutely hate, but you definitely don't love either. It feels like one of those days that you could have lived without. For all those that are saying, "Oh, that means you aren't living life to the fullest! Shame on you!" please stop. You can't expect every day to be glorious and amazing. You have to have your share of good and bad days in order to appreciate life. So although today hasn't been great, tomorrow might be. Until then, I shall wait.

Uncontrollable.

There are just certain aspects in your life that you simply can't control. You can't really control who walks into your life, and sometimes you can't control who walks out of your life. Unexpected events that can occur can break your normal routine as well. Some of these events can turn into blessings while some other events are still taking time for recovery. Emotions. Sometimes it's hard to control them as well. You get angry, you get sad, you are elated, you're in love. So many emotions come and go repeatedly throughout our lives. Hopefully someday we'll have it all figured out. Until then, I'll stumble and fall as I find my way. Bruises and nightblindness and all.