Heights And Falling.

Thousands of Times.

I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.

I guess we’re strangers now.

All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.

Of extreme sadness.

Who do I turn to now?

Being strong.

Always putting on a front.

Staying busy.

Keeping my mind occupied.

With anything.

To avoid thoughts of you.

To avoid thoughts of the past.

What’s done is done.

It is what it is.

So why can’t I move on already?

So delicious.

Late Night Thoughts.

Insomnia strikes again. I used to have really bad insomnia in college. But after working two jobs and going to school, I wore myself out so much that I was thankful to go to bed. But it seems like my insomnia has returned. Maybe it's the coffee I had hours ago. Or maybe I just have too many thoughts in my head. Today, I thought about how fast this year has gone by. Looking back at this same day last year, things have changed so much. Last year, I was headed on the trip of a lifetime. I was on a mission trip out of the country and it was the most inspirational and amazing thing I have done thus far. Never would I have thought I would be able to last that long overseas and in those conditions I had to go through. But that was nothing. It was nothing compared to all that I saw, the things I was able to experience, the people I had met. Besides the things overseas, things at home were also completely different. Family and friends were all well, relationships with everyone were good. This year, things are a bit strained and it really bothers me that I can't fix it. Maybe it's because I lacked the courage that I had so much of last year. Or maybe it's how it's supposed to be for now. Maybe this is a lesson in life. Or maybe I should just roll to the other side of the bed and count sheep.

Life repeats itself.

Wow, it’s been a good few years since I’ve written in here. Does anyone even use this platform anymore?

Regardless, I’m just here to empty my thoughts again.

You’d think at my age, I would have learned better from my mistakes. But here I am, years later, scrolling through previous posts and once again, I’m finding myself in the same situations again.

Growth is hard. It really is. Whether it’s a change in careers, saying goodbye... it’s all hard. But growth makes you stronger. It prepares you for what’s ahead. And hopefully there are much, much brighter days ahead.

Or so they say.

Expectations.

Sometimes, you can’t help but expect things out of others. Others that you let in and have gotten close to you. Others that you’ve decided to trust in and rely on. Others that you wanted to give a chance to.

So what happens when those expectations aren’t met?

You’re left with disappointment, sadness, feelings that you hate to admit to.

If that’s the case, why do we still have expectations?

It's Gonna Be Alright.

Tick tock. This year is just zooming past. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to just stop and enjoy it.

It’s been stressful but I know I’m working towards something great. Something that I’ve been wanting. Something that I’ve been needing. Something that’s just for me. Nobody else.

So although the road is long and trying, I know I’ll eventually be alright. Thank you to those who stuck beside me, supporting me. Special thanks to those who didn’t just give up on me, and hung on to me as a friend, because they could see the potential in me. Thank you.

Slow.

I'm guilty of being slow to realize things. Sometimes when I do come to a realization, feelings have already been hurt or things are then out of my control. I go through life trying to be good as I can, trying to bring happiness to as many people as I can. But the truth is there are going to be people that you hurt, whether it is intentional or not. And as much as you try to fix it, some things just can't be fixed. Some things you will just learn to live with. Some things you sleep and forget about the next day.

Patience.

"Patience is a virtue." Easier said than done. There are always moments when you get frustrated from waiting, whether it's waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting for a text from that special someone. Sometimes it feels easier to just give up and start afresh. But wait if you had just waited out a little longer? What if you missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime? What if not waiting was going to be one of the biggest regrets in your life? But what if it's time to move on? Where is the line between stubborn and stupidity? Ah, the never ending questions in my head.

Sleep, where art thou?

Look like my insomnia is back tonight. I haven't had bad cases since college, but when I get really stressed I just can't sleep. It's not like I'm even actively thinking about things. Maybe it's just all in my subconscious but it's enough to keep me up. I tend to worry. A lot. I know it's not a good thing, but it's in my nature. Someone used to tell me that I worry too much, but he admired that aspect of me. I never understood why. Why would overthinking and excessive worrying ever be a good thing? Did he not know I have a crazy strict conscience, where things literally eat at me? (True story: I get stress ulcers when I stress.) So whenever something doesn't go the way I planned or I'm anxious about something, my head and body goes into worry mode. To anyone reading this: don't be like me! Don't stress over the little things. Everything happens for a reason. If things don't go the way you wanted, just give it time. Maybe it will go your way after all. Just don't give up. Don't lose faith. With that said, I'm working on following my own advice. Everything will be okay!