I Meet My Friends, I Laugh, I Cry

Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire

Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher

Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control

Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.

Maybe this is why I sought after ways

To find any sort of control

When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt

For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.

I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times

The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well

Someone please, save me from myself.

I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.

Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame

Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.

No one's coming I've got to save myself

All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.

So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms

And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.

"I need help", these words I choked out finally

One big step towards a better rope at the end

I'm slowly making my way towards it,

Are you proud of me yet?

-scaredofmyvoice

She taught me how to read

She taught me how to write

She even taught me how to ride a bike.

She taught me how to sing, a boomerang to fling

Hell, she even taught me how to draw an eyeliner wing.

To skip, to hop, to cook, to clean

Everything she taught, she made sure was heard and seen.

She taught me many things for which I'm grateful for

She taught me many things but I wish she'd taught me more.

Like how to clear my head when my thoughts are too loud

Or how to push through a day when my limbs are too heavy.

How to move on when my life comes crashing down

How to stop wearing my loneliness like a crown.

I'll figure these out on my own

I'll learn how and these skills I'll hone

So all I ask you is for you to teach me one thing

Come back and teach me how to be okay

With you being gone.

Please give me a reason to stay.

-scaredofmyvoice

You might think I'm stupid and dumb

Because instead of trying to move on

I'm looking for ways to deepen our bond.

You might think I'm a little insane when I say,

That all I want

Is her in my life.

It didn't matter if we'd never date.

It didn't matter if she'd never love me the same way I love her.

Because even if as a friend I can stay,

I know I'd take it anyday.

You might think I'm foolish.

You might think I'm weak.

But I'd rather spend every waking minute loving till my heart stops it beat.

-scaredofmyvoice

She asks me who I like with that glint in her eyes

"No one", i say , a quiet little lie.

She asks me who I like with that pretty little smile

"No one" , i say , pushing my feelings aside.

How do I tell her when I know there's no hope,

No chance of anything ever happening between us

I know I know but even so,

It's her I look for when I enter a room

It's her who's smile I'd do anything to see

It's her who I think of when I look at the moon

It's her in her black dress that made me swoon.

She asks me who I like as she stares into my eyes

"No one" , I say , think my heart skipped a beat not once or twice but thrice

She asks me who I like as she laces her hand in mine

"No one" , I say. I say and I smile.

How do I tell my best friend that she's the one I like.

- scaredofmyvoice

I knew I loved you way more than a friend should

I knew I loved you and I would have stopped if I could.

I knew I loved you when my head went blank when you were too close

I knew I loved you when you hugged me and I thought my heart would explode.

I knew I loved you when I found myself keeping a note of things you like and don't.

I knew I loved you when I realized I wouldn't do things you disliked, I won't.

I knew i Ioved you when I answered your every text in seconds when it took you hours

I knew I loved you when to you I freely spoke about my scars.

I knew I loved you when I found myself getting lost staring at you from afar.

I knew I loved you months ago and I know I denied it too.

I know I love you

And I'm not sure what to do.

It's too hard for me to let go of you.

-scaredofmyvoice

I want to write.

Untill my hand can move no more, I want to write.

My mind screams incoherent words and my fingers itch to pen them down

It didn't matter if they were worth a penny or a pound,

As long as I could put these feelings on paper.

But the words in my heart stay locked up

And the paper I long to fill stays untouched

Leaving me with just this one desperate wish

I want to write I want to write.

-scaredofmyvoice

I know it's true.

I ask for reassurance a lot more than others do

Because no matter how much I get

The voice in my head goes "They're lying, I bet"

It laughs, it mocks, it jeers at my pain

"Silly little girl who would even love you", it asks.

"Silly little girl you're such a burden", it laughs.

Just be quiet and pretend you're fine.

Who would even want to know that you're having a hard time

It taunts me all day with such cold cruel words

I find myself believing them

And in despair and agony i dwell.

So tell me in the end

Is it really wrong of me

To want others to give me what I desperately need.

To want them to see my flaws and love me nonetheless .

You need to love yourself first, I hear people say.

I'm not saying that I'll never love myself

I'm learning and while I do,

Can't I ask that you love me too?

-scaredofmyvoice

People buzz around me memorizing words on paper.

People stress around me telling me they'll check on me later

Because what could possibly be more important than studying for your finals

Surely it's more important, even if you think you're going to fall off the deep end.

They cast glances my way when they see me not studying

They throws words that say, "Hey you'll regret it by morning."

How do I tell them I couldn't care less

When I don't know if I'll be there by then because my mind's a mess.

What's a little losing your mind when in a few hours you've got a statistics test!

-scaredofmyvoice

I think I love her

I know it's doomed.

I think I love her

And I don't know what to do.

I think I love her

She makes me feel alive.

I think I love her

It hurts so much I cry.

I know I love her

I know it will not work.

I know I love her

I know I'm going to get more hurt.

I know there's not enough time

I know at this point I'm standing on a thin thin line.

But what do I do when I can't let go

What do I do when all I want is just her close.

I know I love her, I always did

But I'm way too scared of loosing her.

-scaredofmyvoice

Something happened today

Something that made me think.

We went to get food, my friends and I

We went to get food delighted and waiting to buy.

One step closer i get nervous,

Do i really have to eat?

Another step closer,

My heart starts pumping with quickened beats.

We get the food, my friends and I,

One big plate to share amongst us three.

They each grab a spoon and give one to me

They each have a bite and look at me,

Waiting to see if I liked the taste.

Was it always this scary to eat?

Was i always so afraid of their eyes on me?

No, thats not true.

But then whats wrong?

Why can't i eat even though it's what i want?

I stand there awkwardly trying to get a spoonfull

I stand there awkwardly hoping to run away if i could.

In the end I said I didn't want to eat and smiled

In the end , even though I didnt want to I lied.

I thought about it all the way home

And then i thought about it some more.

It makes me sad because I wanted to eat

It makes me mad because I held myself back.

I wanted to be like them when their eyes sparkled at the taste

I wanted to be like them when they ate each bite with no shame on their face.

Im always so ashamed to eat

Even though its a basic need

Im always so ashamed they'd see

And so i hide away behind smiles and a mumbled "Its okay I'm fine"

Something happened today,

Something that made me blink

At the absurdity of my own mind

For making me feel such shame

Over something so small,

Like having a bite.

-scaredofmyvoice

I usually wait till I have atleast a few poems written before I post but this has been on my mind for hours now and I just wanted to let it out.

It's been a rough day guys :<