You: The Cursed Child

In a language class

Teacher: Ask some questions like "where are you going?"

Person A: *In common language* hey b where are you going?

Person B: *without looking up* Hell.

Harry: ugh I hardly slept last night

Hermione: you know when you can’t sleep it means someone is thinking about you

Harry: who the hell is thinking about me at 2 am???

Draco: [sweats nervously]

Me and the Russians when I kick their door down looking for my son Billy

Person A: Wake up B! We’re going on an adventure!

Person B: It’s 4 am please shut the fuck up and go back to sleep

Harry: hello

Narcissa: oh mr. Potter your eyes really looks like emeralds

Harry: ...

Draco: mama!

Narcissa: yeah, Draco was right, your shape of eyebrows looks perfect

Draco: maAaaAAama

my mom kept complaining that our cat was getting too fat and it was my fault because I’m spoiling her

a few months later I won this particular argument

thanks mate for helping me out, you’re a good bean

Erwin: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Levi: No, my boyfriend caught me.

Mike: Why is Richie crying in the bathroom?

Stan: He’s drunk.

Mike: And?

Stan: He heard Eddie is married.

Mike: …

Stan: …

Mike: But he’s Eddie’s husband.

Stan: I know.

au where everything is the same except sirius black is played by jonathan van ness from queer eye

Levi : i care about all of my soldiers equally

Erwin : we have been attacked

Levi : is eren okay