The Original Toxic Yaoi

I’ve had this headcannon for so long I’ve forgotten it’s not actually canon but I like to think that hobbits are sort of like billy goats in a way. That they can eat just about everything. Immunity to most poisons, able to eat raw or even rotten meat and vegetables without getting sick (though it’s more out of desperation then actual want) and so on.

To add on to this I like to think that because of this hobbits tend to have extremely high tolerance when it comes to alcohol and other narcotics. They can drink as much as a full grown dwarf and barely be tipsy. Which would lean more into their reputation for very high quality smoke and drink.

I’ve thought about possible reasons for this and most start with some sort of famine hundreds of years prior that made them evolve to be able to survive with little to nothing, forcing them to eat foods that to most aren’t even edible. Poisonous mushrooms, rotten meat, venomous bugs, straight up dirt.

Obviously since hobbits current day tend to be seen as a wealthy but humble sort of race I’d imagine the days of famine are long gone but the traits that let them survive have stayed, evolving more into letting them eat large quantities of food probably with some trade off of needing to sleep less or something. But the average weight for the race has grown as the extra food and less time spent foraging for such food has made them rounder

Anyway this has all combined into this idea in my head that every so often bilbo will eat something near the company, probably during the trip when they were extremely low on food, something that the dwarfs most certainly couldn’t eat without dying but bilbo would neglect to inform them of how strong a hobbits stomach is and the company would collectively freak tf out

Along with that I’d imagine later down the road (we’re heading into shipping territory) that if thorin and bilbo got married that would upset quite a lot of people, a hobbit and a dwarf, could you even imagine??? Royal marriages do tend to always upset at least one person but obviously that would raise the possibility of an assignation attempt. The good ole “poison their food”. I’d imagine Bilbo would make some comment about the food tasting odd but continue eating it no problem just for a guard or someone to burst into the room to inform them about the attempt on bilbos life, however bilbos bowl is currently empty and home boy seems just fine. I’d imagine thorin would be extremely dramatic about the whole thing, refusing to let Bilbo sleep so he can keep an eye on him the rest of the night in case he starts dying, much the bilbos irritation.

I’d also imagine that because of their resistance to famine and odd foods, plus the extra weight that if in a situation where truly no food is present, they could go for much longer time periods without eating and be just fine, though maybe slightly uncomfortable

Word vomiting over.

Sooo SPIES IN DISGUISE IN 2024 😭😭

Please like this I worked on it all week

Bilbo's hair gets much longer than he usually likes it and mentions in passing to Fili and Kili that he'll have to cut it and the boys are completely scandalized and look like they're about to cry like "what?! No!! Why?! Are you and uncle getting divorced? :(((((" and Bilbo just has to pause for a second because what does that have to do with anything he just said

middle-earth's wholesomest besties

i offer some silly nwalin in these trying times

Arthur: Okay, so you're my servant now. It's not really that important of a position, just like, idk, make sure you bring me my breakfast on time

Merlin: I would die for you, I would kill for you, I'd give up my humanity and become a living weapon for you, I would sit by your grave for over a millennium, awaiting your return-

Arthur: but would you bring me breakfast on time?

Merlin: Well that's asking a bit much, don't you think?

This is the worst timeline. (x)

The hobbit fandom is so beautiful:

Oh this character has a physical disability, lets come up with 50 ways that their community will rally around them in a series universe accurate care methods to make their life easier.

Oh this character has brain damage of a learning disability? They are treated with the same level of respect and understanding as everyone else and what ever they are able to contribute from creating things to simply being present with their friends and family is enough

Oh this character is gender queer? Screw it let’s take the entire fandom and just remove gender constructs as we know them from several races. Making any sexism or homophobia seem as truly strange and off putting as it is not normal in these societies.

The hobbit fandom is based as fuck