Secrets

secrets

ryomen sukuna x f!reader

**part of my best friends (older brother) fic

previous part linked here

sukuna watches you get ready. or more appropriately, watches you try to hide your panic as you busy yourself with getting ready.

he found it interesting - the little rituals that you had. it was almost like a rehearsed routine the way you rotated in the morning, one he had committed to memory. he watches you secure your hair back, your fingers massaging different serums and moisturizers into your skin.

but there’s an increased fervor today, in the way you meticulously prod at your own skin - rubbing hard on the slight blemishes on your skin, covering up the darkness under your eyes, and brushing your hair three times to perfection.

it’s borderline obsessive. he hovers over your shoulder, before pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

“don’t you think you’ve brushed your hair enough, doll? looks great.”

he watches as you run it through your hair again, muster a peachy smile for him. it doesn’t meet your eyes. sukuna starts to wonder when it was that he started getting so concerned about you, in the way that it almost never left the back of his mind.

“has to be even, sukuna. i brushed six times on the right so i have to do the same amount on the left.”

he pinches his lips together.

“seems closer to a hundred, princess. your hair is fine.” he murmurs.

sukuna watches as you give him a nod, brushing through your hair the last three times, before you swirl around in your chair and place your hands on his hips. if sukuna wasn’t so irked, he’d make a comment about the compromising position - the way you were looking up at him like you were on your knees.

you squish the bones in his fingers as he pulls you up, his demeanor increasingly reserved today. on any other day sukuna would have smothered you in fifty kisses by now - making some teasing comment about how he’d want to shower with you or make every attempt to kiss all the lip gloss off of your face.

you reach for sukuna’s tie, still loosely hanging around his neck as you eye the clock, and start knotting it together. you tighten it to his collar, pushing the buttons through their slits, as sukuna stares at you. it’s something you find him doing often, almost like he’s trying to discern your thoughts just from looking at your face.

“you okay, sukuna?” you hum.

“are you okay, y/n?”

“huh? why would you say that?”

“you said it first.” he counters.

“well, you haven’t kissed me yet today. it’s been an hour and-”

he cuts off the sentence by pressing his lips to yours, the coffee you made him still lingering on his lips. you smile into the kiss, pulling back to press a kiss to his cheek.

“didn’t realize i had to.” sukuna mumbles.

“are you stupid? that’s part of your boyfriend taxes.”

sukuna smiles, watching you tilt your head to the side and smile at him. he commits it to memory - the sweet look on your face.

“and what’s due, hm?” he asks.

“you’ve paid your fees.”

“you haven’t paid yours, pretty girl.”

you brush the fabric of his collared shirt on his shoulders, as you tuck the last of the folds in the place.

“you’re needy, you know that?”

“s’not what i meant. it’s part of your girlfriend taxes to tell me what’s bothering you.”

“just nervous to talk to yuuji, that’s all.”

sukuna would be lying if the pending approval wasn’t on his mind too. not only because he was positive that it would make you retreat from him, after he had been making every attempt to ease you into it over the past few weeks.

but the fact is that he’s always considered yuuji his savior. a silent gift sent to him, his first companion in life. it would be a sting to him if yuuji didn’t view him fit for someone special to him. that he’d think so little of him, or even worse, that yuuji could think that sukuna thought so little of you.

“you’ll come back here after?” he asks.

you nod.

“call if you need me.”

you and sukuna trek out of the apartment at the same time, both of your phones clutched in your hand as he locks up. his phone buzzes one and you flip the screen, ignoring the text from satoru and swiping away the notification to look at his lock screen properly.

it’s a picture of you and sukuna, one that you took as a joke on his phone. he’s barely in the picture - just the slightest tuft of his pink hair and one of his dimples. it’s of you - smiling brightly into the camera.

-

sukuna can parse that something is wrong when nobara’s voice is the one that comes through on yuuji’s phone. and when he parks outside the bar, his suspicions are confirmed when the four of you are already lingering out on the sidewalk in the cold, as opposed to the usual antics that he has to wrangle you out of.

it’s a strange sight. the first thing his eyes are drawn to are you, naturally, and he’s immediately irked by the sight of you sniffling, megumi wiping the tears from your eyes. his eyes gravitate to yuuji next, nobara yanking him down by the hair as she gives him an earful.

the smell warns him enough - that the group of you, except for megumi he presumes, have lost your inhibitions.

“yuuji. you had no right to say that to her.” nobara scolds.

“she said plenty to me too!” yuuji bites back.

sukuna makes his way over to the two of you on the pavement, ignoring the sting when your face droops even more at the sight of him. megumi’s hands are on your shoulders, rubbing circles into your back, as he quietly sits at your side.

“up. both of you” he demands.

megumi follows his instructions, holding up a hand for you, as you wipe away the wetness around your eyes and megumi opens the front door for you. you settle into the seat - embarrassment burning in your chest - as megumi crouches at the side of the door, poking his head into the car to talk.

“he doesn’t mean it. weirdly enough, this is his way of being overprotective of you.”

you scoff, before turning to megumi. sukuna lingers by the door, watching as yuuji can barely hold his own against nobara, and attempts to catch the end of your words.

“sure, megs. i’m fine.”

megumi places a hand on sukuna’s shoulder as he stands up, reaching for yuuji and nobara as sukuna switches and takes his spot. it’s a quick glance over his shoulder - yuuji entirely preoccupied - as he leans his lips close to your ear. he notices you nearly flinch at the closeness but makes no comment about it.

“need anything, pretty girl?” he whispers.

“i want you to take me home after you settle them in. i want to be alone.” you mutter.

sukuna squeezes your hand, a silent response, as megumi shuffles the two of them in the car and he releases your hand just as fast. nobara gives you a smile, albeit half hearted - having spent a better part of the last hour in your defense - as megumi takes to scolding yuuji in his ear.

sukuna gives you one last look before he shifts the gear and heads home.

-

sukuna’s able to wrangle the three of them faster than usual and when he returns you’re crying softly in his passenger seat, his stray hoodie strewn over your shoulders.

“home?” he asks.

sukuna takes your non-committal nod as a yes, ignores the sting for a second time when you refuse to hold his hand, and drives slowly on the quiet streets. there’s a light sheen on the roads, the street lights reflecting in the puddles and shining a red light on your face.

you can tell that sukuna’s making his best attempts to be quiet as he drops you home. he’s quick to attend to anything - not letting you open the door or take off your coat or even tuck your hair behind your ear of from your own hands.

and sukuna almost does it. he almost makes it through without interjecting. but when he watches you rub your skin a little too hard with the moisturizer, so hard that it starts turning pink, he reaches for your hands and has to stop you.

he can’t watch you rub your skin raw just because you’re frustrated.

“here. let me.” he whispers.

“but you don’t–”

“i know the order, pretty girl. i’ve watched you do it enough times.”

he watches your weary eyes as you place the next bottle in his hands, pouring the cold liquid onto his fingertips. he taps the counter with the back of his hand and you obediently jump up, the two of you face level as he takes residence in between your legs.

the mere act eases the tension for sukuna - the fact that you hadn’t dismissed him yet, that you were letting him massage the serums into your skin was an olive branch enough. whatever yuuji had said hadn’t scared you off yet - and he’ll take his win where he can get it.

“need to talk?” he asks.

you look up at him, at the focused look in his eyes, accompanied by the soft pressure of his fingertips. he squishes your cheek, before leaning down to press a kiss to the crown of your head, and you instinctively pinch your eyes shut. it makes that angry, stinging feeling in your chest twist into that sinking feeling that makes you want to cower in the darkest corner of your closet.

“how many girls have you been with?” you ask.

“in what sense?”

“all of them.”

“i’ve dated two girls, not including you. one was in highschool, a girl named kisa. the other one was when i was in europe.”

“why’d you break up with them? or them with you?”

“no, it was me. both times. kisa, because i was leaving. the girl in europe because i got bored.”

he watches your eye twitch, as he continues.

“i’ve had sex with both of them. besides that, there’s six other girls that i’ve had sex with. talked to loads more, here and there, on and off.”

“what were they like?” you ask.

“meaning?”

“like…occupation wise. or-or personality. looks.”

sukuna furrows his eyebrows.

“can’t remember much to be honest? kisa and i dated in highschool, i think she said she wanted to be something stupid like an influencer. and the other, she was in vet school. they didn’t look similar. i don’t have a type if that’s what you’re trying to discern. and if i did have one, it would be you.”

you nod.

“okay.”

“i feel the need to clarify that it was never like this with anyone else.”

“well, why do you feel the need to clarify that?”

there’s something laced in your words - either hurt or animosity - but he can’t place which one it is.

“because you’re my girlfriend? i can tell that intimacy is important to you, that what i’ve done can raise questions and-”

“are you trying to infantilize me? i know you’re older and more experienced than me but that gives you no right. i’m not a little girl.”

animosity. it was definitely animosity.

sukuna reaches for your hands, pressing your knuckles against his lips as he mumbles.

“i know you’re a big girl now.”

you glare at him. his joke doesn’t land well.

“don’t taunt me, sukuna.”

“i know you’re not a little girl. and i know you’re smart enough to not equate maturity with intimacy. it’s a good thing that intimacy is important to you – that you want to take it slow. it’s important to me when it comes to you too.”

you sigh, scrunching your eyes shut as you lean forward and rest your forehead against his chest. you can feel your head pulsating - his words, yuuji’s words, your own mixing enough to give you a tension headache. he’s quick with it, his hands in your hair as he pulls you closer, resting his chin against the top of your head.

“what did yuuji say?”

you swallow hard.

“i was trying to bring it up, nonchalantly. i…i said that you and i had been hanging out. and yuuji was like yeah, that’s fine and all just don’t go dating sukuna or something.”

you watch sukuna’s eye twitch. but his immediate thought is pleased – that you’re still standing here telling him.

“i asked why. and he brought up mazzy. said that i should be careful, not jump into things so fast since i wasn’t over it yet.”

mazzy. sukuna commits the name to memory, another piece he stows away to put together his puzzle.

“and-and i said that i had learned my lesson. i am over it. i-i’m smart enough to know my boundaries now, you of all people know that.” you whisper.

sukuna offers you a smile.

“that’s right.” he affirms.

“he asked me why i was interested in you. then i got kind of defensive and said i wasn’t, that i was just suggesting it. i asked him – why was he so opposed to the idea? is it so crazy to think that you would like me? and he said…”

you swallow hard.

“he said why would you? why would you like me when i’m the way that i am?”

“he said that?” he seethes.

“not the second part. but the way he said it. why would sukuna like you, y/n? i understood it all the same. i know you’re great and all, sukuna, but is it really that ridiculous to everyone that you would be interested in me? what’s so wrong with me that everyone feels the need to question it? he said that–”

sukuna waits for the end of your sentence but it doesn’t come – just another bout of your tears.

he tilts your face up, before pressing a lingering kiss to your lips. it’s wet, your tears brushing against the bridge of his nose and his cheeks as he nearly breathes fully into the kiss. and every time you try to pull away, he’s following you just as fast, refusing to let go. each one stings in your core.

“do you ever think you’re settling for me?” you ask.

“you wouldn’t believe what i think.”

“tell.”

sukuna shakes his head, almost like he’s embarrassed. you muster a halfhearted smile, poking the softness of his pecs as he rolls his eyes.

“y/n.” he warns.

“just…so squishy. like a stress ball.” you whisper.

“i’ll pretend like you didn’t just objectify me for your sake.”

“personification and objectification are different. and since you’re humbling yourself to date me, i might as well enjoy it.” you deadpan.

sukuna tries to temper the anger that flares through him. that you think so little of yourself. that you think so big of him – in the same vein as his parents. his isolating thought that you viewed him differently shatters. it’s aggravating.

“i’m joking. but i just mean that – we’re really different. and yuuji –”

“i don’t give a fuck what he thinks. do you?”

you sigh.

“i want you. do you think i’m not prepared to deal with what that means? that i don’t notice the things you do?”

sukuna watches your eyes go wide.

“you tend to get a little obsessive, princess. and you feel insecure more often than not. you’re far more chatty, more quick to joke when you’re emailing me rather than standing in front of my face, just because you can’t see my reaction – or more appropriately, can’t overthink my reaction – if you don’t see it. you can’t bring yourself to fully accept the fact that i like you, that i’m very very fond of you, because you think too little of yourself. you don’t tell me much – but s’okay. i’m able to figure most of it out.”

sukuna’s ability to read you to filth is enough to make your blood boil.

“other peoples’ words mean too much to you. wish you’d give mine more importance when i say there’s nothing wrong with you. s’not a problem that you and i have things to work through. you don’t have to meet any previous standards i have – any girls i’ve talked to – because you already don’t compare to them. they’d be in your spot if they did.”

it’s enough to make your heart ache.

“i can parse that me being more experienced than you bothers you. i have no intention of holding it over your head, nor does it make me feel any less attracted to you. you’re all things - intelligent, brilliant, beautiful. i have every intention to basically worship you when i get the chance – and that would stand if you were experienced or not.”

sukuna watches you shiver, the gravel of his voice making the goosebumps prickle on your arms.

“how can i be settling when you’re far too good for me? when you have such a hold on me?”

“sukuna –”

his lips hover by your ear, warm breath tickling down your spine as he murmurs. sukuna’s combined defense of whispering sweet nothings and sending sparks all over your body was never something you can win against. he leans his forehead against yours, his eyes fluttered shut.

“ i know my brother means the world to you – that what he thinks is important – but can you make space for me too? i don’t want to compete with him for your affections or your loyalty, especially when he has no right to make that call anyways. or make you feel uncomfortable in your own happiness – if that’s what this is.”

you cup sukuna’s face with your hand.

“that is what this is.” you murmur.

sukuna presses a kiss to the palm of your hand.

“you make me really happy. i hate that i need so much support sometimes but last time, i just –”

you swallow hard.

“i get in my head a lot. i’m trying not to but it’s hard sometimes. but i like you too much. i’m not just going to give you up like that. you don’t get off so easy.”

sukuna smiles.

“ah. there’s my beautiful princess with a disorder.”

you cross your arms across your chest.

“it’s a joke, dollface. we both know you’re not royalty.”

“asshole!”

sukuna snags the headband out of your hair, before following you out to your bed.

“what do you want to do about yuuji?”

“well, what do you want to do? he’s your brother.”

“and he’s your best friend. you care what he thinks far more than i do. nothing’s going to keep me from you.”

you sigh.

“we’ll keep it a secret. tell him again when – when it’s more solid. not that it isn’t but –”

he doesn’t question it.

“when it’s more solid.” he affirms.

-

an: a wild ronnie has appeared. be nice to me pls.

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