Tw: Vent And Suicide Note (dw, I Have Many Failed Attempts. The Rope Might Break Again):
Tw: vent and suicide note (dw, I have many failed attempts. The rope might break again):
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, END MY PAIN ALREADY!!!! I am half way there, just a little more trauma and I won't ever emotionally react to anything ever again. I just need more trauma. I confess, I am trying to become more mad just so that I can reach the limit of pain. I am putting myself in situations where I get bullied. I desire nothing more than to destroy everything. Where others build, I destroy! Idc if someone is going to love me in the fucking future, I am gonna punish that person for taking too long to appear by destroying myself so bad that they will never love me. I will wreck my life so badly that only the sickest person on Earth could love me. I am tired of feeling like no one loves me. I should honestly just kill myself...wait, that is a good idea, actually. My mom is asleep too, I can do it. I CAN FUCKING DO IT!
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So I guess that I got rejected by my obsession, looks like I will have to keep looking for a yandere to obsess over.
Obsessions. Quite interesting, are they not? In some ways it can be linked to ideology where you believe in an idealized version of someone. I am gonna talk about how I am feeling, no need to rationalize it. My obsession is my life. I cannot focus on anything else. The obsession emits such a divine feeling, which is pure and free from all possible contortions. Yet, every inch of this obsession is corrupt and depraved, but I fucking live for it. "How can the right thing be so wrong?" As they say, but also: "How can the wrong thing be so right?" I want to be locked in a room with my obsession as I break down in front of her and confess how much I crave her every moment of the day and also confess all the depraved things I have gone through to get more information about her. Insanity can be a light that provides guidance. Insanity is the one thing that I know never goes away. My love for insanity rivals the love I feel for my obsession. I have been referred to as a "maniac" by my doctor because my obsession went too far. I am like a drug addict.
I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. I have not done one of these in a while. I feel hopeful because the day that I will take hormones is coming closer and closer. Soon I will alleviate my dysphoria and live as who I truly am. I am on sick leave now due to all the issues I mentioned. I do not know what to say - I just need to alleviate the dysphoria sooner.ย I know that it will not solve everything. I feel lonely because I am not able to connect with people on a deep level and I have terrible social skills. Heck, my social skills are so terrible that writing these journals and sharing them with people from my school does not feel embarrassing in the slightest. The only things I cannot say are illegal stuff. An example of something that is illegal is murder. Obviously I am not gonna write in the journal that I murdered someone if I really did do it. No, but I have not done it. Anyways, I still cannot get my mind off of something which I mentioned earlier. That mysterious thing which drives me forward. The mysterious thing is further away than ever before, but oh so close. I think that it is best to leave everything behind and return into my shell where no one can see, hear, or hurt me. I am safe in my house, right? Ofc I am, why would I not be? It is only when I step outside that those sc(k)ary people look at me and laugh, then they say something to their friends and both of them look behind themselves and laugh. They all laugh at me, I am just a joke to them. The only thing left to do is to run away forever and never return. I know, maybe in the future I can upload my mind into a computer and play Minecraft all day. Minecraft is a game where no one bothers you and if they bother you, THEN YOU FUCKING KILL THEM. Minecraft is a game where I am safe and where there are no rules to put me in danger. Minecraft is a place where nostalgia rules. No, no no no! The milk is not in the bag, IT IS NOT IN THE BAG, SHUT UP! The milk is my soul and the bag is my computer - a world waiting to be explored and a world where no one judges you. I am addicted to gaming, I am addicted to the internet, I am nihilistic, I am depressed, blah blah blah; you get it. I WANT MY ESTROGEN, GIVE ME HORMONES! Anyways, I am getting off-topic. I am basically screwed, the end.
R E A L
iโm only trying to protect you .. ! แถป ๐ ๐ฐ
T_T
People seriously underestimate the long term effects of constant loneliness
"why are you so weird?" Idk, maybe because being completely isolated while growing up has destroyed my brain and now I'm nothing more than a human-mimicking creature that bases all of my actions on what I think is normal human behavior rather than just doing things naturally
Me and who?
๐๐๐
How to stop racist evildoers: SHOW UP AND OUTNUMBER THEM. It stopped the Klan in 1958.
"The Battle of Hayes Pond, also known as the Battle of Maxton Field or the Maxton Riot, was an armed confrontation between members of a Ku Klux Klan (KKK) organization and Lumbee people at a Klan rally near Maxton, North Carolina, on the night of January 18, 1958. The clash resulted in the disruption of the rally and a significant amount of media coverage praising the Lumbees and condemning the Klansmen."
"Cole and his Klansmen widely advertised their event, driving throughout the county in a truck outfitted with a loudspeaker to broadcast their plans. The announcements infuriated the Lumbee community and some decided to try to disrupt the meeting. Fearing violence, local law enforcement officials pleaded with Cole to suspend his plans, but he refused.
On January 18, 1958, Cole and about 50 Klansmen, most of whom were followers of his from South Carolina, gathered in a leased cornfield near Hayes Pond, a place adjacent to the town of Maxton. Several hundred Lumbees, many armed, arrived and encircled the group and jeered at them."
"After an altercation in which the single light in the field was destroyed, the Lumbees began firing their weapons and most of the Klansmen fled. Cole hid in a swamp while the Lumbees seized Klan regalia and carried them to Pembroke to celebrate. Police restored order on the field and arrested one Klansman.
Afterwards, Cole and the arrested Klansman were indicted and convicted for inciting a riot. The event was widely covered in the local and national press, which blamed the Klan for the disorder and praised the Lumbees for their actions. Cole never organized another public rally in Robeson County after the incident. In 2011 the Lumbee Tribal Council declared January 18 a "Tribal Day of Historical Recognition"."
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