I Know Lassiter Would Like To Think He’s Reasonable, Serious, And Normal But His Life To Anyone Else’s

Shawn: Okay, maybe I messed that up

Henry: Uh, yeah, that’s apparent

Shawn: Actually, you’re a parent

Henry:

Shawn: Mine, specifically

don’t you just hate it when you’re looking up a character you love and all of a sudden google autofills “death” after their name? how about all those people that don’t tag their posts as spoilers? what about when you’re looking for good fics on a series you haven’t yet finished and are suddenly assaulted by “no beta we die like charlie bradbury”

i would like to propose a solution. let’s all collectively start googling “death” for characters that never died. let’s gaslight google into thinking percy jackson got hit by a bus. lets tag our fanfiction “alec hardison you live on in my heart.” let’s call our cousins and cry about shawn spencer’s tragic passing for forty minutes. let’s make posts about how mad at marvel we are for blowing up miles morales. let’s complain about how pointless and ridiculous it was for samantha carter to just randomly die in an explosion.

let’s confuse everyone so much that no one will ever know whether kaylee frye drowned in quicksand or whether ron weasley got tuberculosis or if luke strangled leia or molly hooper was burned alive or whether foggy nelson got shot in front of a bar

i screamed loudly inside the theater

are we still going insane about thunderbolts bc I don’t wanna seem crazy

OMG IT'S BOB

You seat a table of three for breakfast and the woman says hmm yes I will have a loaded waffle tower please and you say ma'am that's a children's item and she says so and you say okay fine and the man who brought a whole laptop in says ah, I will have what the lady is having and an orange soda and you say for breakfast and he says of course and then the guy who is clearly a criminal says what kind of bread do you use for your French toast and you say ... White and he says can I sub brioche and you say we don't have brioche and he sighs and says I'll get the rooty tooty... Whatever the cowboy omelette and the other two start razzing him about being a cowboy and when you come to check up on them the woman is playing airplane with the loaded waffle tower trying to get the criminal to eat it and they tip $200 and your watch has been replaced with a better watch

Henry: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?

Shawn: Dad, you've met my friends. Gus wouldn't set foot near a bridge without a parachute, Jules has too much of a will to live and Lassie would push me off before I got a chance to jump.

Shawn: I am beginning to think we made a mistake.

Gus: What gave it away? The guards, the sirens?

Gus: or oh, I don't know, THE gunshots?

Psych (2006) really is just "Hi, we're detectives with the police department, and here's this weird guy who follows us around. No we can't stop him. We like him. Also here's his best friend. We can't stop him either. We tried."

Okay! You got me! I cheated! It’s shameful, but at least it’s honest work.

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Santa Barbara's insanest polycule