You Can’t Believe How Lonely It Is Being Touch-avoidant And Single But Also Wanting So Badly To Have

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

Here’s a really rough 20 minute sketch of a mountain (don’t mention the shading ik it’s bad)

I saw it and figured why not sketch it out since I had my sketchbook with me for once lol

Man I love having no cohesive thoughts sometimes. Been trying to think of something worthwhile to post but can’t. So that’s my random thought. Brain be wilding not making any sense. Love that for me.

I know this is a writing prompt type deal but like why you have to call me out like this lol

"Can’t you see what they’re doing to you?!"

His voice begins to crack as the words leave his mouth. Tears spill over, his hands trembling. "So what was I supposed to do then?! Everyone left me—I had no one! I was alone!" He looks up, eyes burning with anger and hurt.

"You could’ve come to me."

"You don’t think I did?!"

(My bad lol I was going for a lack of tact because people don’t know how to communicate properly sometimes. I’ll make my next one more lighthearted frfr)

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

My fella, I feel this on a deeply personal level. All we can do is keep trying. It’s not gonna work all the time, hard days will happen. But just keep trying every day. Any small victory is a victory worth celebrating. Keep on being you mate. You’re worth so much more than you could believe.

TRIGGER WARNING - low self esteem and self worth

I’m always trying to be positive and trying to love myself but sometimes I can’t help but wish I wasn’t autistic.

Maybe people would accept if I wasn’t so different

Maybe i would be enough if I was able to just know what to do like everyone else

Maybe people would stay

Maybe they would love me…

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Having friends who have discounts at good food places is so nice lol. I just met this person, who calls me a friend almost immediately, and takes me and two others to Chick-fil-a. I have no idea what I’m gonna do to repay this, but you can bet your soul I’ll find something.

Quite accurate

The autistic experience is wanting to be an artist, a writer, a baker, an animator, a mother, somebodies wife, be totally independent, have a large friend group, only have one friend, move away and never speak to anyone ever again, never leave home, collect stuffed animals, heal your inner child, be a grown up, stay young at heart, get a job but not something you aren’t passionate about, eat safe foods, hate your safe foods because you’ve eaten them too much, scream and cry about how you feel like no one understands and you don’t fit in, love being different and not fitting in and not being able to do any of it because the seam of your sock isn’t sitting correctly.

NINE SOLS SPOILERS BELOW!! They’re minor non-story spoilers, but I said I’d put a warning anyway, so turn away if you don’t want to deal with it

General Yingzhao flipping sucks coming off a long break of combat games. He’s literally the first real boss of the game and because I haven’t played a video game where parrying is a REQUIRED mechanic in almost three years my skill flipping sucks and I’ve spent a cumulative two and a half hours just trying to consistently get to phase two.

I mean I get his first phase attack pattern really well but I just can’t parry consistently enough to avoid getting absolutely combo-womboed. And when I get comboed I get flipping COMBOED and there’s just nothing I can do but take it.

I “don’t” (I actually do) look forward to the next bosses of the game because I just want my parrying ability to not suck for once lol.

This lowkey sounds angry but I genuinely am so excited for the rest of the game once I can get to it. And it’s purely because this is the first game in a long while where I’ve actually enjoyed how stinking difficult the game is. The story is still confusing for now but I’m just here for the ride with my boy Yi.