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Live, not just survive

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Sometimes it's just feels like I am a burden for everyone, even for myself

i dont have the strength to recover. im going through the motions at this point. i gave up long ago, now i breathe because i dont know what else to do.

A part of suicidal ideation or self harm no one talks about is the numbness to the subject that comes with it. I sit and scroll through pages and pages of cries for help, suicide notes and plans and feel nothing. No worry, no concern, no crushing feeling in my chest. Nothing. Those familiar feelings are now replaced with a strange familiarity, a kind of comfort that it’s not just me.

Fuck. When did it get to this

I can’t imagine a future. It feels as if I’m not meant to be here

“Nothing better than memories, and there is nothing worse than them.”

— Anton Chekhov

i’ve been suicidal for so long that i’ve just been assuming i wouldn’t live even as long as i have so i never thought about anything long term and now i have no idea what i’m going to do and i’m more afraid to live than i ever was to die

I begged you to stay. I apologized so that you’d stay. I forgave everything you did to hurt me for you to stay. I swallowed my pride for you to stay. I was so caught up in getting you to stay in any way possible, I didn’t realize that if you wanted to stay I wouldn’t have to do any of the above.