How Tempting It Is To Stop Existing When You’re Already Barely Here

the worst thing about being mentally ill is like.. nothing is wrong.. my life is pretty okay right now.. everything is fine. and yet.. theres this sinking feeling in my stomach and i cant stop thinking about dying

People think that suicide is a choice and yes it is but right now it feels like the only fucking answer.

On most days it just hits me why am I even trying to put any effort at doing anything when all it leads to failure in a life I don’t even fucking want.

I’m tired of feeling like I committed some sort of crime by falling for you. I’m tired of justifying my feelings. It just happened. And trust me, there’s nothing I want more than to not be in this situation because I know you’ll never feel the same way. I know how unwelcome I am your life. I’m aware that you don’t want me. But maybe I don’t owe an explanation to you or to myself. I feel the way I feel, I love you. I just fucking do.

I’m so sensitive and I feel things on such an intense level. I can’t do moderation. Pain and happiness is something we all experience, it’s a part of life . But there is so much more pain than the happiness. And that little happiness is no where near enough to mitigate the pain. And thinking that I have to fight this battle everyday for the rest of me life is exhausting. I can’t do it. I feel tired down to my bones. Talking myself out of killing myself everyday. Scared of triggers. Struggling to do basic things. Feeling hideous and unworthy of love. So much self hate. How can anyone do this for their entire life.

“I wanted to.. I wanted to tell you how much I’m hurting, how badly I just want it all to stop.. but all I could get out was “I’m fine” and force a smile. But I wanted you to see that I’m not really fine, I wanted you to take me into your arms and tell me it’ll all be okay while you rub my back, even if I don’t believe it.. I just want you to notice..”

— (J.A.L 5/5/17 10:45 pm)

Alejandra Pizarnik, from Diarios.