Is It Even Possible For Someone To Love Someone Like Me?

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

bpd is distancing yourself because their tone slightly changed and then running back crying to them begging them to love you

i’m so tired

“whats your name?” - call me scooby cus i can’t doo this anymore

this is going to come off as obnoxious to the people who won’t understand where im coming from but im sure all the qties with BPD on here will relate at least to some degree 😵‍💫

i hate when i say “i hate myself” and people around me automatically turn to say “well (reason) so you shouldnt” spoiler alert but i know !!!!!!! i know that i shouldn’t but its so hard when you feel NOTHING on a daily basis. best day of your life? the good feelings last a solid 17 minutes. worst day of your life? you’ll feel like jumping off the nearest cliff or jumping in front of a passing car and feeling like you’re in the worst distress youve ever been but one nap later, youre back to feeling that pit inside while not even being able to fully remember what exactly had you so upset.

i hate that and i hate myself for it. does that mean i don’t care about myself? no. i still go grab a jacket when im cold. i still care whether im being put in a harmful situation or not. i still care about myself enough to not be putting myself in harms way 24/7. i just dont have the emotional permanece to love myself when there’s a void actively sucking and draining the emotions from me. its so frustrating when the people around you are like “just love yourself 😍” like girl don’t you think ive tried? i dont say “i hate myself” for pity or sympathy (no shame if you do tho) but as a cry of frustration.

it’s like watching a bridge about to collapse and trying to scream that no one should cross it but being unable to get the message across. i *know* there’s reasons why i shouldn’t hate myself but they just never feel good enough for the void. i hate being told how to feel when ive tried everything to change but i know it’s useless

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

i can’t do it anymore. i just want to give up on everything. i have nothing left to give.

"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

they mean everything to me and i treasure every happy moment i spend with them, but to them, i'm replaceable.

It finally clicked in my brain, that the reason you don't treat me like you treat others in your life, is because you love the others in your life. You love having them in your life. I've simply become the obligation you can't untangle yourself from.