I Hate That BPD Gives Me Such A Lack Of Emotional Permanence.

"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.

My brain is trying to latch onto something that might make me feel alive again, even if it’s a pathetic fantasy. It’s hard to sit with numbness. But deep down, I know nothing can fill the void I feel deep within my soul—that void that keeps getting deeper to the point where it will consume me one day. It’s hollowing me out from the inside, and I’m watching myself fade, but I don’t have the energy to stop it.

I’ve tried so hard not to let my depression define me, not to let it become my identity, but unfortunately, it has the upper hand. It controls everything—it has become me. Depression is so loud that I can’t hear anything else; it drowns everything out. I tried to convince myself that depression wasn’t me, that it was simply happening to me, but I failed. Depression has won. It has erased me completely, and it doesn’t seem willing to loosen its grip.

I miss the era of my functional depression now I’m just bedrotting. At least with functional depression I could still do things, still pretend, still have sense of normalcy. Now it’s just this heavy paralyzing nothingness.

I dont think I can do this much longer, it hurts too much

I'm literally in an abusive relationship with myself, I constantly belittle myself, and put myself in situations intentionally to be harmed.

did you hold me knowing you were going to let me go?

BPD culture is distractions. this is a distraction. tumblr is a distraction. music is a distraction. tv is a distraction. friends are a distraction. you're a distraction. everything is a distraction from my thoughts and the constant pain. but there's triggers in so many of the distractions anyway, and the pain never goes away.

– 👁

.

And you broke me in all the ways I loved you.