I Hate Getting Close To People.

Having to explain to your fp that theyre your fp is the most embarassing shameful thing ever. It feels like revealing a secret that will make them leave. Because then they know you care about them. And if you want them so bad, they start to not want you anymore. But if you dont talk to them, they will never reach out to you. But if you talk to them too much, you will annoy them and they will leave. The paradox of BPD is so hard to describe and even HARDER for anyone who isnt BPD to understand. And all we want is true understanding and empathy. Its the most paradoxical illness on earth and you never know whether to hate people cuz they hurt you so bad or love them so intensely. But dont love them too much because then you will experience rejection. And dont avoid them because then they will just find a new person to be friends with. Living in the mind of someone with BPD is not only scientifically proven to be one of the most ACHING AND PAINFUL mental illness there is, the statistics for suicide attempts among people with BPD is 70%. 70% of us have already tried to end our lives because of the emotional torment. And 10% of us diagnosed (even more undiagnosed) have succeeded with suicide attempts. You cant be normal no matter how hard you try. You will never have normal friendships. You will practically fall in love with anyone and anything. You will fall in love with half your friends. You will be rejected by half those friends both platonically and romantically. You will never have a normal healthy relationship or marriage because of your jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment issues. We just want understanding and we can only get that from other people with BPD who we cant be close with because they also have BPD. Its so isolating. Its miserable. Lonely.

Rejection. It’s all I’ve ever faced my life. From lovers, from family, from friends, from opportunities to success. I kept going. Kept thinking maybe it just wasn’t right. But I’ve reached that threshold where my fragile heart can’t take it anymore. Each time I get rejected now, it’s like some squeezing my heart and shattering it into uncountable pieces. It makes me feel small, worthless. Like every cell of me was created to be hated. To be looked at with resentment and disgust. Who could love you, my brain says. Look at you, you sorry being. So peculiar. So unlovable but so desperate for love. Wish I’d realize the only solution is to be alone. It’ll be lonely, it’ll hurt but I promise you it won’t burn like when you are rejected. If only I could kill that tiny ray of hope and give up. It would save my life.

Does anyone else just randomly feel like they're annoying everyone around them and that they should just disappear for a while to give everyone else a break from their existence, or is that just me?

Where do i go if nowhere and no-one feels like home anymore

The second I feel slightly better I'm like: "you never felt bad in the first place you're all faking it for attention, fuck you fake ass emo"

And then I feel stupid 🧍

-kurea:)

It’s really weird growing up, because now I don’t tell anyone anything. As I know deep down no one wants to hear what I have to say.

I’ve been stuck third wheeling for so long it’s starting to trigger me. No i don’t want or need a man but why is no one showing interest in me!

Realizing that the ppl you make time for can’t find it in themselves to give you even a second of their time has gotta be like top 5 most heartbreaking things to happen