Being Near Me Is Not A Privilege, It’s A Punishment

Sometimes I feel like I go above and beyond for people to make up for the fact that I’ll never be good enough and in hopes that it’ll distract them enough so they don’t notice and leave.

I’ll never be pretty enough

I’ll never be skinny enough

I’ll never be capable enough

I’ll never be funny enough

I’ll never be enough.

sorry I ghosted you I wanted to see if you cared about me and would miss me if I was gone

i was so small and new when i was ruined, i never stood a chance

Where do i go if nowhere and no-one feels like home anymore

I need him but he doesn't even want me.

Doesn't matter how much effort I put in, right? It's hard to love me.

Maybe what you need isn't someone to love. Maybe what you need is to feel wanted. Maybe what you need is purpose, because loving them makes you feel like your life is finally worth something. At the end of the day, maybe it isn't really about them after all.

having BPD is like simultaneously being a black cat and a lost puppy

you can be the sweetest little kitty and do no wrong but there’s nothing you can do to change some people’s mind about you. they’d stereotype you and believe all the misconceptions without giving you a chance.

you’re also constantly looking for your person. your place to call home. longing for that warmth and comfort of love but you feel so helpless in a storm that doesn’t seem to stop pouring. following mindlessly any person that gives you the slightest attention and being obsessed with them until you look up and realize you’ve lost them and are alone again in the unforgiving storm.

something i realized over the years is that despite wanting to kill myself, i don't actually wanna die. far from it actually. i want to live. i want to experience all the things i always wanted to do. i want to see the world. i want to look in the mirror one day and say "im happy i stayed". i want to get better. i want to live a life free from the shackles this mental illness has kept me in. but sometimes that darkness in my brain just overtakes that hope for a better future and all i'm left with is the thought that it will never get better.

— i want to live, but not like this.