A New Beginning: Rambling #1

on winter and longing

Sarah Kay, Natalie Diaz, Craig Keenan, Clarice Lispector, Mahmoud Darwish, Brittany Cossette, Franz Kafka, Edvard Munch, Richard Siken, Haruki Murakami, Holly Warburton, Mahmoud Darwish

buy me a coffee

no matter what I'm doing it's wrong

no matter what I'm saying it's wrong

like what the fuck I just wanna die

It’s wild to me that I can get so overwhelmed that I can’t feel a literal knife cutting into my flesh

lowkey stuck between wanting to recover and wanting to get worse

if i get better its a constant fight to stay clean and recover,, but its so much esasier to just sink further down and see how bad it can get because no matter how hard i try, i cant see myself alive by the end of this year and if i keep trying to get better its going to be harder to die and ill be alive and ill have to face everything life is and welp im a mess lol

you are not a bad person because of your memory loss. you are not less intelligent because of your memory loss. you are not less caring because of your memory loss.

memory loss isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve to feel ashamed.

I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you.

Depersonalisation: Rambling #18

21st April 2022, 21:29

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly weird. When I climbed out of bed, my feet were not my own. They seemed so far away from me. When I looked at my hands, they looked like hands I had never seen before. I tried to use the bathroom, but I felt like I was driving a car. I was inside my skull and watching the world around me on a movie screen. Everything was out of place and foreign. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Strangely, I felt like I was floating. People call this depersonalisation. I guess that is what I was feeling, but it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt it. I truly didn’t feel like I was attached to my body. I felt robotic, like a sim being controlled in-game. It was nauseating. My problem is, though, is why does this happen? It has to happen for a reason. Am I having a moment of clarity? A blip in the system? Am I experiencing who I truly am? Was this body ever really mine? Or was this body given to me? I don’t remember becoming who I am today. I just arrived. Who am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Psalm 58:6

Fire: Rambling #16

19th April 2022, 00:56

When I was an child to early teenager, I really liked fire. In fact, I was obsessed with fire. I guess you could call me a pyromaniac. I would set fire to a lot of things in all shapes and sizes. Socks, underwear, toilet paper, you name it. Sometimes I would hang toilet paper between posts and set the middle on fire just to see the paper fall apart. Sometimes I would roll paper into faux cigarettes and set fire to the end just to scare drivers into thinking a child was smoking tobacco (I still don’t smoke, although I have had the occasional cigarette, but I think that’s primarily an excuse for me to carry my lighter around with me, I’m still attached to it). I had a stalker back in high school (but that’s a story for another day). She would copy everything I did. One of the things she copied was my obsession with fire. So, one day when I was at her house, she brought me some lighters. Of course, I made a SAFE fire in her garden. But, she was an idiot, and so was her little brother. They left the lighters beside the fire. Seeing this, I backed away and hid behind a car. The stalker followed me, none the wiser. Her little brother stayed by the fire. Three, two, one, and the thing caused a chain reaction of explosions between the lighters. It was so loud. I remember her mum running outside and screaming doolally. Luckily, or rather unlucky because I hated the little shit (he chased me around with a roller skate as a weapon once and I wanted nothing more than to smash his head against the corner of the mantelpiece), her brother was unharmed. It didn’t deter me from my arson. I still set fire to things. I was not afraid of fire. People would ask me to make their fires on the beach and they were always so surprised at 1. my ability to make a fire from nothing and 2. how I was so nonchalant when handling the flames. As aforementioned, I still carry my lighter with me. You never know when you’ll need to set your old high school on fire.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)