Lowkey Stuck Between Wanting To Recover And Wanting To Get Worse

Slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of love or reassurance can heal what has already been done to me. I seriously think I have met too many people in my life that fucked me up so bad, I simply will never be able to trust anyone anymore.

Me going about my day normally

My brain: Damn, you should kill yourself

doing nice things for people for attention or praise is okay. it’s okay to have another motive behind what you’re doing. you still added kindness to the world. you still tried and did your best and i’m proud of you! kindness is hard and confusing when you were never exposed to it!! cheers to everyone trying to be kind in a body that rejects that very notion.

Get on your knees and sell me your soul. Give me everything you have, offer every bit of yourself, every last drop of your divine energy—show me how desperate and determined you are for my affection, love, and loyalty.

I would never actually take anything of yours… I just want to see you beg. I want to see the panic in your eyes and listen to you stumble over your words once you see me walking away.

Bonnie and Clyde: Rambling #14

19th April 2022, 00:31

Dear God, my last rambling made me start thinking about this. A lover. A crazed lover. Somebody who is obsessed and head over heels for me. Somebody who spends every minute thinking about me, plotting scenarios about me, dreaming about me, who would do absolutely anything for me. Just as I would for them. In love. Wholly in love. Wildly in love. Our love would be messy. Bloody. I want us to elope and become Bonnie and Clyde. I want them to look at me, sparks behind their eyes, with a knife in their hand, blood spattered across their face, and a corpse by their feet. I want to walk forward, clutch their jaw, and press my lips firmly to their own. I want to make love in the blood of our victim. But, are they really a victim? We’re only ridding them from this horrible, horrible world. I think I would try and kill the bad, worst people of this world first. The animal abusers. The pedophiles. The parents who beat their children. Rich people who don’t donate to charities. Oh, and that one girl who lied about me hurting her when I was about six years old. You fucking bitch. I didn’t touch you. But, now I will. I’ll hurt you in the way you said I did, and then my partner will slit your throat and your blood will coat my naked body. I’ll glisten black under the moonlight. My lover, their eyes dilated in admiration, would drop their knife and come to me, tender hands leaving trails through the blood across my chest. Oh, how I would fall for you even further. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would grow you roses fed with the blood of my enemies. They would be the brightest, most healthiest, deep red roses you have ever seen. All you have to do is let go and trust me. Just let go. Let your inner demons take control of the steering wheel. Join me in my instantly. Together we can dominate this disgusting, pathetic world. After all, it’s not fun to be insane when you’re alone.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Things that don’t make you a bad person:

Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness

Being diagnosed with multiple disorders

Having one or various personality disorders

Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, or ASPD

Having very low empathy, or no empathy

Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia

Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries

Needing extra help or accommodations

Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics

Maybe I’m supposed to be alone. But it hurts.

I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you. I'm so obsessed with you.

i hate having to get better like bitch just let me die 😫