Me Going About My Day Normally

ugh i feel so pretty and feminine when i st4rve myself

Minor inconvenience:

Me: how about i end up in the fucking hospital how about that

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days. I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.

Snatch: Rambling #19

21st of April 2022, 21:41

I had a strange experience last night. I was at my friend’s flat. There was the four of us. I had my friend’s phone and he said that I could go on it. I asked if I could look through his notes. He said no and that there was something he didn’t like in there. He told me it was about another friend of ours (who wasn’t in the apartment) that he was talking cruelly about as the other friend had been immature and recalcitrant. I have OCD, so if I find out about something, I need to know what it is. It will continue to annoy me for the rest of my life. I could be on my death bed, ninety years of age, and still wonder what the secret was. I tried to convince him to show me, but he found this annoying and snatched the phone away from me. It was a rough snatch. I immediately shut up. I feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Tears pricked my eyes. I was annoying. This was proof that I was annoying. And the way he had snatched the phone, it reminded me of my father and older sister’s abuse towards me. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to be sick. I was quiet for the rest of the night. They played a film and it was really dark. I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to sit with them. Nobody cared. Nobody truly tried to make sure I was okay. During that moment, I messaged the girl I loved. I said a tonne of stupid things, things that will inevitably push her away. She probably thinks I am so pathetic and annoying. God, I hate expressing weakness. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should just not care about things. Curiosity killed the Bakeneko, after all. It is so frustrating. I seem to ruin all my relationships and I push people away with my awful idiosyncrasies. Why do I do this? Why can I not just have stable relationships? The worst part, though, was when the lights turned back on and I had to pretend I was okay. I am never okay. I feel like my head is being held underwater, or like there is a boulder resting on my chest. I am stuck in this eternal purgatory of making relationships and ruining relationships. I am so weak. Weaker than I want to be. I wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I wish I was cold.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Energy: Rambling #11

18th April 2022, 02:12

Do you know what is really annoying? The random surges of energy that I can get. But, do you know when it is? It is always during the middle of the fucking night when I can’t do anything. Bake food? I don’t know how to work the new oven. Clean? The hoover would be too loud. Dance? My footsteps are heavy. Try on new clothes? My wardrobe door sounds like I’m dropping a nuclear bomb. I wish I had this kind of energy when I woke up and throughout the day, but when I wake up, I feel like I have been beaten up and had my head held underwater.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing, for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead.”

— Meredith Russo

I want to destroy everything. I want to ruin my life, smash glass bottles agaisnt walls, run away into the night and get in trouble, scream and yell at the top of my lungs, get into fist fights, and stand up for myself. I want to be so so angry and loud about how awful I feel that everyone realizes that I was never okay, and I was never going to be okay, and that they left me behind to suffer. But I'm too tired. I'm too tired to move, to think. I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore the world. I just slap on a neutral face and do as I'm told. I wish I could be so angry about how sick I've become, but instead I keep quietly to myself, and live another miserable tired day.

Depersonalisation: Rambling #18

21st April 2022, 21:29

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly weird. When I climbed out of bed, my feet were not my own. They seemed so far away from me. When I looked at my hands, they looked like hands I had never seen before. I tried to use the bathroom, but I felt like I was driving a car. I was inside my skull and watching the world around me on a movie screen. Everything was out of place and foreign. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Strangely, I felt like I was floating. People call this depersonalisation. I guess that is what I was feeling, but it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt it. I truly didn’t feel like I was attached to my body. I felt robotic, like a sim being controlled in-game. It was nauseating. My problem is, though, is why does this happen? It has to happen for a reason. Am I having a moment of clarity? A blip in the system? Am I experiencing who I truly am? Was this body ever really mine? Or was this body given to me? I don’t remember becoming who I am today. I just arrived. Who am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Half tempted to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills. Who cares?