The Reason Why I Haven't Killed Myself Yet Is

how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that

— Clarice Lispector, from “Report on the Thing.”

Love: Rambling #9

18th April 2022, 00:35

There is this girl that I love. She knows that I love her. I met her last summer, and I have loved her since the day we met. She is kind, funny, and she genuinely cares about me. The problem is, this girl lives in Ukraine. She lives in Kharkiv and is directly impacted by the war. I am so terrified something is going to happen to her. For your information, I live in Scotland. However, there are a lot of controversial thoughts I have about this girl. I’ll list them:

1. She’s 17. I don’t really care. 16 is the legal age in the UK. I am 20. The problem is, I like people who are older than me (preferably 25+). I can tell that she is still immature. I can see my 17 year old self in her mannerisms. It’s weird, though, because I’m jealous of her age. I feel like I’m mentally stuck at 17 and I haven’t grown up since. I think this is because I was isolated since I was 14, so I never got the opportunity to socialise and grow up. I know I will forever be 17. I suppose a good thing is that she is taller than me. I like that in a partner, too.

2. She’s very talented. She is brilliant at music and can draw wonderfully, too. Of course, I’m impressed by this and I like to see her work, but at the same time, I am jealous and it makes me feel insecure. I started guitar when I was 4. I was called a prodigy by my guitar instructor, but I never progressed. I was forced to work at the level of my peers. Now, I am only average at guitar. This girl, she attended a musicians school. It’s the same for her art. I bet her parents paid for her to be tutored. Either that, or she had so little worries that she had time to practice properly by herself. I had to work for a living, I didn’t get time to work on the things that I loved. Plus, I’ve never had a damn art lesson in my life. I have so many things that I want to draw, but I can’t draw for the life of me. I know it is just practice, but I don’t have the energy or the time to practice. I keep saying I’ll practice in summer, but we all know how that ends up.

3. She’s not serious. I want to flirt with her. Whenever I do, it’s always brushed off with a joke. It’s frustrating. I want her to smirk at my words. I want her to feel flustered. I want her to make me feel the same. I want to feel that ache in my chest when she says something hot. Not even sexual, just romantic or flirtatious. Though, I really do like making out. I want to make out with her, but that’s something I cannot suggest because it will scare her away.

4. She is asexual. Don’t get me wrong, I support people who are asexual, but fucking hell. What am I supposed to do? I’m not asexual. I want to touch her. I want to trace her body. I want to kiss the back of her neck. I want to make her stare at me while I walk. I want her to feel me. I want her to love every aspect of me. And, again, not even sexually. I want to skim her body like ripples on the ocean. I want to count the freckles on her skin. I want to see her nude to appreciate the beauty of her body. I can’t ever ask for something like this because she in asexual, and I cannot stand rejection. I still have hope that she will change, or that I can turn her sexual, or that she just hasn’t tried being sexual with a ‘female’ before. When I was 17, I thought I was asexual, too. I hope this is just a phase. I want her to love me. Love me hard.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

A New Beginning: Rambling #1

16th April 2022, 23:23

I don’t know why I have made this account. I mean, who even uses Tumblr anymore? Twitter is where everybody vents nowadays. I suppose that’s why it’s safer to vent on here; I doubt anybody will find me. Although, it’s not as though anybody is looking for me in the first place. It would be nice, I think, to be seen for once. It’s always the empathetic, pretty, upper middle-class girls that are noticed. What makes them so different to me? I don’t think I’m a bad person. I think of bad things, but I never say them outright. That’s what this account is for. This is where I can say my bad things, or the things I am truly feeling. I wonder how long I will continue this for. I’ve never been good at sticking at something for long.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Easter: Rambling #7

17th April 2022, 15:29

Easter is definitely one of my least hated celebrations. That goes alongside Halloween. I don’t like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or New Year. I think that is because they’re all about love and family, and I barely have those two things. There are two points, however, that I dislike about Easter. The first is all the chocolate. I have difficulties with my eating. I want to be the thinnest in my friend group. I want to look unwell, pale, and bony. Sometimes I don’t eat to try and achieve this. As of now, I am the thinnest in my group and my family. This feels like a great achievement. Secondly, I don’t like all the middle class things I have to see being broadcasted across media. I hate the little Easter caricatures, or the community Easter egg hunts. It makes me feel sick. How dare these people enjoy life when there are others out there, including me, who can barely walk five steps without feeling like I’m about to be swallowed into purgatory? My mum didn’t do much for Easter this year. Usually she would hide chocolate eggs for me or make me a treasure hunt. I instinctively started looking around when I came downstairs. Of course, there was nothing there. I was disappointed, but I couldn’t blame her. She’s depressed and suicidal at the moment. On the one hand, I love her and I wish I could help her more. On the other hand, I still feel betrayed over the fact that she didn’t defend me when I was being abused. I was completely alone, isolated, and she allowed it to happen. That’s something I will never forgive, no matter how wonderful of a mother she has been to me and all the things she has helped me with over the years. Easter also reminds me of the disappointment I felt as a child. My sister and I were so excited. We waited upstairs for hours, waiting to be told we could come down and see what Easter Bunny had left for us. We waited so long that we had to call down and ask if we could come down. They said yes. We ran downstairs and were met with nothing. Nada. Zilch. The sadness was immeasurable. My father was surrounded by beer bottles. He told us to take the dog (who is now dead and sadly missed) for a walk. We obeyed. When we came home, there was chocolate for us. Of course, I knew what had happened, but I didn’t want to believe it. I acknowledge it now as an adult. My mother had bought the chocolate and left my dad to hide them around the house and garden. My father, instead, got drunk and fell asleep. I feel bad for the effort my mother put in. This happened two years in a row. They divorced not long after that. Not because of Easter, just because my father was an abusive piece of shit. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. My sister didn’t deserve what happened to her (I will stand by that, despite the fact that my sister was incredibly abusive towards me). My mum deserved to be happy, and now look at her. She’s so depressed that Easter has reverted back to my childhood. What a shame.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Bonnie and Clyde: Rambling #14

19th April 2022, 00:31

Dear God, my last rambling made me start thinking about this. A lover. A crazed lover. Somebody who is obsessed and head over heels for me. Somebody who spends every minute thinking about me, plotting scenarios about me, dreaming about me, who would do absolutely anything for me. Just as I would for them. In love. Wholly in love. Wildly in love. Our love would be messy. Bloody. I want us to elope and become Bonnie and Clyde. I want them to look at me, sparks behind their eyes, with a knife in their hand, blood spattered across their face, and a corpse by their feet. I want to walk forward, clutch their jaw, and press my lips firmly to their own. I want to make love in the blood of our victim. But, are they really a victim? We’re only ridding them from this horrible, horrible world. I think I would try and kill the bad, worst people of this world first. The animal abusers. The pedophiles. The parents who beat their children. Rich people who don’t donate to charities. Oh, and that one girl who lied about me hurting her when I was about six years old. You fucking bitch. I didn’t touch you. But, now I will. I’ll hurt you in the way you said I did, and then my partner will slit your throat and your blood will coat my naked body. I’ll glisten black under the moonlight. My lover, their eyes dilated in admiration, would drop their knife and come to me, tender hands leaving trails through the blood across my chest. Oh, how I would fall for you even further. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would grow you roses fed with the blood of my enemies. They would be the brightest, most healthiest, deep red roses you have ever seen. All you have to do is let go and trust me. Just let go. Let your inner demons take control of the steering wheel. Join me in my instantly. Together we can dominate this disgusting, pathetic world. After all, it’s not fun to be insane when you’re alone.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

• if I stay cold enough, I won’t want to get up and follow things around

• if I only use the same websites/watch the same shows/don’t answer unknown calls, I don’t get paranoid.

• if I don’t make friends, I won’t stay up all night wondering about what they’re plotting against me.

• if I stay inside, nobody will be watching me.

• if I don’t speak or think, no one can hear me.