— Franz Kafka, “The Metamorphosis And Other Stories”

I do not wish to be known.

I want to move far away, to be a stranger in a new place. To experience life without anyone knowing me.

I want to be myself, and I can't do that with people. I feel much more alive when I'm alone.

Bonnie and Clyde: Rambling #14

19th April 2022, 00:31

Dear God, my last rambling made me start thinking about this. A lover. A crazed lover. Somebody who is obsessed and head over heels for me. Somebody who spends every minute thinking about me, plotting scenarios about me, dreaming about me, who would do absolutely anything for me. Just as I would for them. In love. Wholly in love. Wildly in love. Our love would be messy. Bloody. I want us to elope and become Bonnie and Clyde. I want them to look at me, sparks behind their eyes, with a knife in their hand, blood spattered across their face, and a corpse by their feet. I want to walk forward, clutch their jaw, and press my lips firmly to their own. I want to make love in the blood of our victim. But, are they really a victim? We’re only ridding them from this horrible, horrible world. I think I would try and kill the bad, worst people of this world first. The animal abusers. The pedophiles. The parents who beat their children. Rich people who don’t donate to charities. Oh, and that one girl who lied about me hurting her when I was about six years old. You fucking bitch. I didn’t touch you. But, now I will. I’ll hurt you in the way you said I did, and then my partner will slit your throat and your blood will coat my naked body. I’ll glisten black under the moonlight. My lover, their eyes dilated in admiration, would drop their knife and come to me, tender hands leaving trails through the blood across my chest. Oh, how I would fall for you even further. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would grow you roses fed with the blood of my enemies. They would be the brightest, most healthiest, deep red roses you have ever seen. All you have to do is let go and trust me. Just let go. Let your inner demons take control of the steering wheel. Join me in my instantly. Together we can dominate this disgusting, pathetic world. After all, it’s not fun to be insane when you’re alone.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

I want to destroy everything. I want to ruin my life, smash glass bottles agaisnt walls, run away into the night and get in trouble, scream and yell at the top of my lungs, get into fist fights, and stand up for myself. I want to be so so angry and loud about how awful I feel that everyone realizes that I was never okay, and I was never going to be okay, and that they left me behind to suffer. But I'm too tired. I'm too tired to move, to think. I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore the world. I just slap on a neutral face and do as I'm told. I wish I could be so angry about how sick I've become, but instead I keep quietly to myself, and live another miserable tired day.

Snatch: Rambling #19

21st of April 2022, 21:41

I had a strange experience last night. I was at my friend’s flat. There was the four of us. I had my friend’s phone and he said that I could go on it. I asked if I could look through his notes. He said no and that there was something he didn’t like in there. He told me it was about another friend of ours (who wasn’t in the apartment) that he was talking cruelly about as the other friend had been immature and recalcitrant. I have OCD, so if I find out about something, I need to know what it is. It will continue to annoy me for the rest of my life. I could be on my death bed, ninety years of age, and still wonder what the secret was. I tried to convince him to show me, but he found this annoying and snatched the phone away from me. It was a rough snatch. I immediately shut up. I feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Tears pricked my eyes. I was annoying. This was proof that I was annoying. And the way he had snatched the phone, it reminded me of my father and older sister’s abuse towards me. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to be sick. I was quiet for the rest of the night. They played a film and it was really dark. I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to sit with them. Nobody cared. Nobody truly tried to make sure I was okay. During that moment, I messaged the girl I loved. I said a tonne of stupid things, things that will inevitably push her away. She probably thinks I am so pathetic and annoying. God, I hate expressing weakness. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should just not care about things. Curiosity killed the Bakeneko, after all. It is so frustrating. I seem to ruin all my relationships and I push people away with my awful idiosyncrasies. Why do I do this? Why can I not just have stable relationships? The worst part, though, was when the lights turned back on and I had to pretend I was okay. I am never okay. I feel like my head is being held underwater, or like there is a boulder resting on my chest. I am stuck in this eternal purgatory of making relationships and ruining relationships. I am so weak. Weaker than I want to be. I wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I wish I was cold.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Get on your knees and sell me your soul. Give me everything you have, offer every bit of yourself, every last drop of your divine energy—show me how desperate and determined you are for my affection, love, and loyalty.

I would never actually take anything of yours… I just want to see you beg. I want to see the panic in your eyes and listen to you stumble over your words once you see me walking away.