Ivan: We Gotta Distract These Guys.

[family game night]

Lucius: You know, you're getting a little too old to play Twister.

Stede: Nonsense, spin the wheel!

Lucius, sighing: Right hand red.

Stede: [pulls every muscle in his body]

Oluwande: Tell me your wildest fantasy.

Jim: I'm on Wheel of Fortune and I spin the wheel so hard it lights on fire.

Oluwande: I meant like-

Jim: Everyone claps.

[planning to attack another ship]

Stede: So what's the name of the target?

Frenchie: The cat's name is Oreo.

Stede: That's not what I asked.

Frenchie: That's what I know.

Stede: Is he always like this?

Blackbeard: Oh, yeah, you shoulda seen The Great Jenga Tantrum of 1710.

Izzy: IVAN BUMPED THE TABLE AND YOU KNOW IT.

Stede: Sometimes, people ask me how I manage my crew so easily. The answer is, I don't.

Stede: Yesterday The Swede called me into the kitchen and when I got there, Roach shot me in the throat with a Nerf gun.

Lucius, holding the door open: After you.

Izzy: Nah. I never let anyone walk behind me. 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear.

Lucius: Okay, but that still leaves a 30% chance I'll attack you from the front.

Izzy: Yeah, but it'd be easier to stop. Or I could counter it-

Lucius: [slaps him]

[on the crow's nest]

Stede: This is where I come to cry.

Ed: What?

Stede, sweating: I said this is where I come to be a cool guy.

Stede: It's like the bad guys always know where we are!

Lucius: Stede, did you remember to set your Twitter location to private?

Stede:

Lucius: You set it to private, right?

Stede:

Lucius: stede

Stede: What are you doing?

Frenchie, taking a Buzzfeed quiz to see what kind of Poptart he is: work

[pulling up to another ship to attack]

Stede: Why are we doing this again?

Lucius: The crew says 'Go big or go home'.

Stede: Right then, let's do this!

[The Revenge goes right past the other ship]

Lucius: Uhhh, where are we going?

Stede: Home? Wasn't that one of the options?