Dan: I Vow To Be Your Companion Through Every Phase Of Our Lives And To Cherish You As My Eternal Consolation

part of me wants to see dan’s initial reaction but i also know that would not be safe for internet consumption

how the hell did we get zero joint content for 2 years and then a video, a ls and two selfies IN ONE WEEK

a month 📅 without 😶 uploading 📤 he 👦 comes back 🔙 with a tag 🔖 (whoo) that no ⛔ one 1️⃣ even 🌆 tagged 🙋‍♂️ him in he’s 🏃‍♂️ not 🙅‍♀️ a challenge 🤔 to drag 🐲 (ouch🏥) so prepare 🙈 for an attack ⚠️ and by 👋 that i mean 👖 cringe 😬 (cringe) cause this 👈 motherfucker’s 🤱🦆🥵 ‘bout to get dragged 🗡🐉 by his fringe 🦱 first 🥇 things first, you’re freakishly 🦉 tall 🧍‍♂️ it’s weird 🆒️ you loo 👁 like a noodle 🍜 (true✔) you’ve got hair💇‍♂️ that was 🗑 cool 😎 in 2007 2️⃣0️⃣0️⃣7️⃣ and wet 💦 you just look 👀 like a poodle 🐩 (hobbit) throw 🚮 in a really annoying 😒 posh 🧐 voice 🗣🔇 and, yup 👍, that’s dan (posh) you’re what 😯 would happen if winnie 🍯 the pooh 🧸 fucked 👉👌 slenderman 👻 you procrastinate ⏳ making 🎨 videos 🎥, cause being judged 👨‍⚖️ is scary 😨? (ooh) you’re so close 🔐🚪 to being forgotten 😓, the hate’s 🖕 imaginary 💭 (whoa) the only reason 📖you get 💆‍♀️ views 🎑📈 is you’re another 😪 white ⬜ guy 🚶‍♂️ that people 👥 ship 🚢with his friend 👦🏻👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 cause they think 🤔 it’s kawaii 😊🌈 oh reasons 📚 why dan’s a fail ❌ (yay!) i’ll give you some 🔲 you never 📵 tweet 🐦, you overeat 🐿🍴, all 🏷 you do is cry 😭 and sleep 💤😴 your jokes 😜 are shitposts 🃏 and memes 🤡 with no originality 🧭 (uh huh) your family’s 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 sad 😔 you flopped 💾 your law 🔨 degree 🎓 at university 🏫👩‍🏫 and anything 🎖 embarrassing 😳 that’s from your past 🍝 you just delete ➖ you were vegan 🥕🥗 for like three 3️⃣ weeks, then what, you missed ☹ the meat 🥩? (milk 🐄🥛) wow 😮, i’m so impressed by your clear ⚪🚱 moral 👑 integrity 🧩! you try 👍✔ so hard 👷‍♀️ to be peaceful ☮🕊 and diplomatic ✌🏳 but can’t 🍈 make toast 🍞 without tumblr 🥃 saying you’re problematic 📛 (boo, oh) i could go 🎠 on there’s more 📳 if i check ✅ there’s more things 📝 on this list 📜 than chins 🤔 on your neck 🧣 on your birthday 🎂🎉 you joked 🤣 you were a quarter 🌛 way to death ⚰ a 100 💯? yeah, when getting 🍂 out 📤 of bed 🛌 makes you out of breath 🌬? (real) so your celebrity 🥳 crush 🥰 was j-law ⚖ but 🍑 now ❓ it’s evan p.? (mhmm) what 🆘️ the fuck even 🌃 is your sexuality 🏳️‍🌈? it’s hard ⛑ to put you in a box 📦 when you keep 🔑 it so blurry 🥶 (what is it) i think ✖ it’s just to hide 🙈 that you’re secretly 🤭 a furry 🦖 i’m-i’m joking 🃏🤴 obviously 🙆‍♂️ okay 🆗️ that went deep 🙇‍♀️… repress 😞 it? yup 🙃! before 🅱️ i start ⭐ crying 😢 let’s wrap 🌯 this shit 💩 up ⬆️ i’m gonna 🚘 go and masturbate 💦🥵🍆, then cry 😿 into 🥴 a slice 🍉 of pizza 🍕 (feelings 🤒) shout 📣 out 🔳 to the other youtubers ▶️🔥 especially 👓 ryan higa 👨‍🦳 (jerk 🤬) a cringe 👃 compilation 🖇 mixed 🔁 with cultural 🧫 appropriation met 🤘 with no 🚫 depreciation it’s the youtube 🔥 nation 🇺🇳 click ⏰ subscribe 🚇 , if you 👇 wanna 🍍 watch ⌚ 4 4️⃣ videos 📼 a year 🎆! (or 3) to see 👀 my last ⏮ one (from 10 🕥 years 😂 ago 🔙), just click ☝️ over 🔞 here 🦸‍♂️ (fail ❌) so leave 🍁 a comment ☄🎭 with your reaction 🚜, you can 🥫 call 📞 me a liar 🤥 cause you 👆 just ♎ witnessed 😵 the roast 🍗 of danisnotonfire 👦🚫🔥 [sobbing 😭]

[submitted by @jercy, god knows why]

good morning destiel shippers, johnlock conspiracy theorists, propagators of fake news, people from nevada, louis tomlinson's secret children, dashcon attendees, people whose birthday is nov 5,

Previously on Dan and Phil: 2016 ↳ [ Dan / Phil / DAPG / DAPShop ]

For #titsnacks I've got blue jellybeans (for the aesthetic), ranch pringles (for the metaphor), and twinkies (for the twinks)

HELLO?!

dan’s threats to roblox children as the super graphic modern girl intro because what planet is this man from

captions below cut

(with the intro to super graphic modern girl by chappell roan playing in the background)

Dan: I'm gonna dox you, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna fi— I’m gonna fie up ah you ut. Beanie, Smeb, DeluxeRose, Love2Y, Fatal Toxin, Biscuit Queen, I'm gonna, I'm gonna break your biscuits, I'm gonna crumble your biscuits into my tea and I'm just gonna drop the tea on the floor. What does this tell you about people, that taste is objective—

Phil: maybe they’re vegan

—and no matter how hard you work, no one will appreciate you, because life is just about the privilege that you get born with.

Phil: I think you were born this way.

happy twink rebirth phil!