If That Man Wanted To Put A Bracelet On Phil You Know Damn Well Dan Would Be Out There Fainting In The

GLASS SHATTERING] [CAR CRASH] VROOM [PEOPLE SCREAMING] [EXPLOSION] “MY LEG…MY LEG” [BABY CRYING] “WAAAH WAAAH” [HELICOPTER NOISES] [SIRENS] WEE WOO WEE WOO [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING NOISES] CALL THE AMBULANCE [SOBBING] [YELLING] [FLAT LINE]

how the hell did we get zero joint content for 2 years and then a video, a ls and two selfies IN ONE WEEK

good morning destiel shippers, johnlock conspiracy theorists, propagators of fake news, people from nevada, louis tomlinson's secret children, dashcon attendees, people whose birthday is nov 5,

There is no slut shaming in this house, only slut encouragement

a month 📅 without 😶 uploading 📤 he 👦 comes back 🔙 with a tag 🔖 (whoo) that no ⛔ one 1️⃣ even 🌆 tagged 🙋‍♂️ him in he’s 🏃‍♂️ not 🙅‍♀️ a challenge 🤔 to drag 🐲 (ouch🏥) so prepare 🙈 for an attack ⚠️ and by 👋 that i mean 👖 cringe 😬 (cringe) cause this 👈 motherfucker’s 🤱🦆🥵 ‘bout to get dragged 🗡🐉 by his fringe 🦱 first 🥇 things first, you’re freakishly 🦉 tall 🧍‍♂️ it’s weird 🆒️ you loo 👁 like a noodle 🍜 (true✔) you’ve got hair💇‍♂️ that was 🗑 cool 😎 in 2007 2️⃣0️⃣0️⃣7️⃣ and wet 💦 you just look 👀 like a poodle 🐩 (hobbit) throw 🚮 in a really annoying 😒 posh 🧐 voice 🗣🔇 and, yup 👍, that’s dan (posh) you’re what 😯 would happen if winnie 🍯 the pooh 🧸 fucked 👉👌 slenderman 👻 you procrastinate ⏳ making 🎨 videos 🎥, cause being judged 👨‍⚖️ is scary 😨? (ooh) you’re so close 🔐🚪 to being forgotten 😓, the hate’s 🖕 imaginary 💭 (whoa) the only reason 📖you get 💆‍♀️ views 🎑📈 is you’re another 😪 white ⬜ guy 🚶‍♂️ that people 👥 ship 🚢with his friend 👦🏻👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 cause they think 🤔 it’s kawaii 😊🌈 oh reasons 📚 why dan’s a fail ❌ (yay!) i’ll give you some 🔲 you never 📵 tweet 🐦, you overeat 🐿🍴, all 🏷 you do is cry 😭 and sleep 💤😴 your jokes 😜 are shitposts 🃏 and memes 🤡 with no originality 🧭 (uh huh) your family’s 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 sad 😔 you flopped 💾 your law 🔨 degree 🎓 at university 🏫👩‍🏫 and anything 🎖 embarrassing 😳 that’s from your past 🍝 you just delete ➖ you were vegan 🥕🥗 for like three 3️⃣ weeks, then what, you missed ☹ the meat 🥩? (milk 🐄🥛) wow 😮, i’m so impressed by your clear ⚪🚱 moral 👑 integrity 🧩! you try 👍✔ so hard 👷‍♀️ to be peaceful ☮🕊 and diplomatic ✌🏳 but can’t 🍈 make toast 🍞 without tumblr 🥃 saying you’re problematic 📛 (boo, oh) i could go 🎠 on there’s more 📳 if i check ✅ there’s more things 📝 on this list 📜 than chins 🤔 on your neck 🧣 on your birthday 🎂🎉 you joked 🤣 you were a quarter 🌛 way to death ⚰ a 100 💯? yeah, when getting 🍂 out 📤 of bed 🛌 makes you out of breath 🌬? (real) so your celebrity 🥳 crush 🥰 was j-law ⚖ but 🍑 now ❓ it’s evan p.? (mhmm) what 🆘️ the fuck even 🌃 is your sexuality 🏳️‍🌈? it’s hard ⛑ to put you in a box 📦 when you keep 🔑 it so blurry 🥶 (what is it) i think ✖ it’s just to hide 🙈 that you’re secretly 🤭 a furry 🦖 i’m-i’m joking 🃏🤴 obviously 🙆‍♂️ okay 🆗️ that went deep 🙇‍♀️… repress 😞 it? yup 🙃! before 🅱️ i start ⭐ crying 😢 let’s wrap 🌯 this shit 💩 up ⬆️ i’m gonna 🚘 go and masturbate 💦🥵🍆, then cry 😿 into 🥴 a slice 🍉 of pizza 🍕 (feelings 🤒) shout 📣 out 🔳 to the other youtubers ▶️🔥 especially 👓 ryan higa 👨‍🦳 (jerk 🤬) a cringe 👃 compilation 🖇 mixed 🔁 with cultural 🧫 appropriation met 🤘 with no 🚫 depreciation it’s the youtube 🔥 nation 🇺🇳 click ⏰ subscribe 🚇 , if you 👇 wanna 🍍 watch ⌚ 4 4️⃣ videos 📼 a year 🎆! (or 3) to see 👀 my last ⏮ one (from 10 🕥 years 😂 ago 🔙), just click ☝️ over 🔞 here 🦸‍♂️ (fail ❌) so leave 🍁 a comment ☄🎭 with your reaction 🚜, you can 🥫 call 📞 me a liar 🤥 cause you 👆 just ♎ witnessed 😵 the roast 🍗 of danisnotonfire 👦🚫🔥 [sobbing 😭]

[submitted by @jercy, god knows why]

we are coming to heal your inner child and take back what the internet took from us

DAN AND PHIL TERRIBLE INFLUENCE TOUR TICKETS ON SALE NOW! danandphiltour.com

decided to actually try and post on tumblr for the first time ever. Here’s a little digital drawing I did of phil.

dan’s threats to roblox children as the super graphic modern girl intro because what planet is this man from

captions below cut

(with the intro to super graphic modern girl by chappell roan playing in the background)

Dan: I'm gonna dox you, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna fi— I’m gonna fie up ah you ut. Beanie, Smeb, DeluxeRose, Love2Y, Fatal Toxin, Biscuit Queen, I'm gonna, I'm gonna break your biscuits, I'm gonna crumble your biscuits into my tea and I'm just gonna drop the tea on the floor. What does this tell you about people, that taste is objective—

Phil: maybe they’re vegan

—and no matter how hard you work, no one will appreciate you, because life is just about the privilege that you get born with.

Phil: I think you were born this way.

i hope with tiktok and twitter effectively dead and instagram on its way to dying we enter an age where social media is not popular and we all go outside and get lives and stop posting. but not on tumblr ofc

DnP playing a drinking board game with liquorice and soups should not be that hilarious. Just!! I had to pause the video approximately twice a minute just to take in the next hilarious thing that they said. SO many innuendos. Phil doing it on purpose for sure, glint in his eye as he was watching with glee as Dan struggled to consume liquorice, not even stopping when Dan tried to wave him off. Dan the cougar with the animal print and Phil with the blond hair, blue eyes combo. Getting use out of their left-over New Years cups. Repeat of Phil really struggling with soups (they are evil when lumpy and cold, Phil, I feel for you). Dan's hatred for liquorice (though that drink must have been toxic levels, so fair for that but not the salted liquorice because that's also a loved sweet here in Denmark as well as Sweden). Phil handing Dan the black piece instantly and choosing blue for himself. The mug with the whiskers (deep nostalgia). All of the little mini games where they're fighting so intensely, stumbling over their words and almost spilling drinks. The banana video censored and Dan hiding behind the board game packaging. Dan joking if Phil slept with the bearded ginger and Phil's lil shut up huffed out through laughter. Dan comparing himself to a hippo needing a bird to pick out stuff between his teeth, TILTING his head jokingly towards Phil as if he should be the bird and just go to town (no words for this, they are insane!). The secret draft thing (birthday related?)! The Phil can't have chocolate, so don't make that type of cake pls, mum. The sheer drama of their dice rolling and Phil threatening to leave or stick some authority on Dan about seven times. Phil being so brave and actually drinking that horrible concoction (though Dan protecting the sealz <3). The little iPhone videos put in, clearly of them just fumbling around. The sheer laughter and smiling and joy that was all throughout the video, even as they were suffering with their drinks/foods. They are just so gay and I don't even dare tally up all of the innuendos. I feel like I need an immediate rewatch. They are just so entertaining and funny and feeling themselves and it's contagious and I love them and they've come so far and this is the longest sentence ever but that's okay because none of this is meant to be pretty or nice, it's meant to just express my love for these two insane dorks that have made videos for us for like 15 years at this point. Anyway, I'm clearly completely chill. Great video, guys.