Latest Posts by vposledniyraz - Page 3
I feel so fucking empty and shit. Told him I was anxious and scared and he told me I was OK, I then fucking said I wasn't and told him to go to sleep. Then he went offline. I've spent the last hour crying and shaking and trying to make myself feel something but nothings working. I'm so good at communicating usually. I don't get to the point where I ignore my feelings because I'm able to talk through them before I get to that point. What fucking changed. Why am I getting worse like this. It's not ok it's not ok.
I'm having a freak out. Idk if I'm splitting or what but I'm freaking out. And I'm purposefully ignoring him. I need to. I can't fucking deal with him right now. Not because of anything he's done I just. I can't do it. But I need him. I need him to feel stable. Fucking kayemess. I need more people to talk to. I need more people that can be there for me. I hate being in servers where I try so hard to be active and make friends, then vent my feelings and nobody fucking says anything. They just blank me. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I hate this.
Sometimes being around him feels like being kicked around like an unwanted toy. Why would he send me this. This is how I feel around him. Why would he make me feel this way. "Dog becoming frantic any time he lays eyes on a new" he fucking knows what he's doing, he fucking knows.
Full disclosure: He does not abuse me. I am safe.
I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he has friends. I'm so happy he can go out and hang out with people and be happy. But I'm not happy. Why is there somebody else he can be happy with. I'm his best friend. Why does it hurt so much. Is it the jealousy that I can't have relationships like that? That I can't make friends or have people that understand me/are on my wavelength? That all of my relationships are face-value/meaningless except for him, we have a deep connection, how can he have a deep connection with other people that he hasnt known very long? I have known him for 5 years, I'm the only friend he's had for so long, surely I have the privilege to be the only one that can make him happy?
I can't let him know I feel this way. I can't ruin my relationship with the only person I have. It fucking hurts whenever he talks about the friend he met abroad that's coming over to see him. When he talks about friends, about being in active group chats that he participates in with friends in his local area. Why can't I be in his local area. Why can't I visit him more than 3 times a year. Why can't he make the effort to come visit me like I make the effort to go visit him.
I'm serious when I say we have a deep connection, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
It's not fair. None of this is fair.
Vero/Kit . 21 . It/They/He
Autistic traumagenic did system with bpd. This is a blog for us to keep our stuff on. Maybe make friends idk. Mostly Vero probably.
Not going to censor anything we say (as this is going to act as a sort of "open communication line" as we don't have good internal communication), but will tag appropriately.
DNI: under 18s, gatekeepers, "disorder police", cringe haters
BYF: This blog will contain NSFW, trauma-sharing, fictional depictions of sensitive topics, self-harm discussions, favourite person discussions. Probably more, will try to add accordingly.
Frequent fronters:
Vero: host. Subhuman dogthing who has intense source ties (delusional.) and needs intense therapy. Copes with his source which is a fictional world we created.
93: autism holder. Likes webcore, viruscore, and old technology. Interact with care.
Coda: persecutor. Not good, lets put it that way. Usually only around if Vero is around.
