Healing Is Not About Getting Over It. Healing Is About Learning To Live Well In The Aftermath. We Have

Hey everyone!

So, I’ve been getting a fair number of asks recently, which is great! I love hearing from all of you.

But if you’re waiting for a reply, please understand that I might not get to it for a while. I've been struggling to keep up with the basics lately; even writing my regular posts, although I have a lot to say.

Hopefully things will get better soon, and I’ll get back to it! But in the meantime...

Please remember:

You matter.

You are good enough.

You deserve to be happy.

And you can heal.

If you’re feeling lost, surround yourself with things that remind you of what’s important to you, and people that remind you of who you want to be. Build your inspiration into your life.

Take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Be open to learning.

And at the end of every day, come home to yourself and say hello again.

<3

this winter is going to be very hard.

Recovery is like cleaning out a house that’s been through a hurricane.  There’s mud a foot thick on the floors; some of the windows are cracked; there’s leaves stuck in cracks you didn’t know existed.

So unlike in the movies, there are no “breakthrough moments”, where you suddenly realize one thing and the whole house is clean.  Oh there may be important turning points – moments when you realize that those aren’t frosted windows, that’s dirt, and you need to clean it off, and that’s why it’s so fugging dark in here.  And that is an important breakthrough, in the sense that without it you would not succeed in cleaning the house, but then you still have to clean the windows.

Therapy is just someone who’s had experience with post-hurricane cleanup, Consulting over the phone, recommending tools and giving you advice. “Start with the floor,” they say, when you’re too overwhelmed to even begin, and they tell you what shovel to buy.  So you start shoveling, and it’s HARD, and you’re exhausted all the time, and you’ve only shoveled out the front hallway, and it feels like it’s never going to really get better.

But you do get good at shoveling, and slowly you build up your strength, and after a few months you can shovel as much as you need to, but there’s still a LOT of mud here, so it takes a year to get that shoveled out, and your house is still muddy and the windows are cracked (and frosted), and there’s still debris everywhere, and every time you walk around you’re stepping an a quarter-inch of mud, but you CAN walk around, you can get anywhere you need to go, and the house is still a fucking mess, you’re a fucking mess, a disaster not fit for human habitation, but on the other hand you can no longer convince yourself that “nothing’s ever going to work”.  It can get better.  You can point at things that used to be super-fucked-up and now are only moderately-fucked-up.  Progress is possible.

But then again, you’re not making any progress anymore. You thought you had the hang of it, but now the shovel isn’t working, and every time you shovel mud out of one place it slides into another and you’re not making any headway and you can barely pick up any mud with your shovel anyway and so maybe that was it – you had a nice run, but this is as good as it’s ever gonna get, you’re still gonna be fucked up forever, and you finally bring it up to your therapist, and they nod, and tell you to buy a hose.

So now you’re hosing down the floors, and that’s a new skill set to learn, and it splashes everywhere, and now you’ve got mud on your walls, but it does get the floor clear.  But you hosed out the front hallway, and then realized that to clear out the living room you’re gonna have to hose it out into the front hallway, which means the hallway’s just gonna get messy again, so then you have to redo the front hallway, but you start planning out which rooms to do in which order, so it goes pretty smoothly after that, until the day when you’ve got all the big mud puddles gone, but there’s still mud on the walls, and stuck in corners, and no matter how hard you spray you still end up with this thin coating of mud-dirt-dust on the floor after it dries, and honestly you’re making more of a mess than you are cleaning up a mess at this point. And you express your frustration, and the therapist tells you where to find, and how to use, a mop.

So you mop all the floors, and it’s actually looking pretty good, and you remembered to start mopping from the inside out, so that’s not a big deal, until you open a door and realize you forgot to shovel out the pantry. You didn’t think it could get into the pantry, with the door shut, but there it is, mud 3 inches thick, and the only way to get it out is to shovel it, and you’ll have to take it through the kitchen, so you have to shovel out the pantry, and then hose down the pantry, and then re-hose the kitchen, and then mop the pantry, and then re-mop the kitchen, and EUUURGHHHJHH.

But you’re really good at it, at this point, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.  It’s irritating af, and you’re sick to death of doing this, but it’s not scary, or overwhelming, or horrifying.  It’s just really, really annoying.

And the fact is, you will never be done cleaning.  Even if there’s never another hurricane, there’s dishes, and dust settling on counters, and spills, and mud tracked in after snowstorms, and laundry.  There’s not some magical moment when you’re “done”, and you can stop working forever (except possibly, depending on who’s right about the afterlife, after you die).  But you do reach a point where you it transitions from “impossible” to “meh, just a thing”

You do reach a point where you look around, and you’re kinda proud of what you’ve done You do reach a point where you recognize that your current tools aren’t doing the job you need, and you research and find and learn how to use a tool all on your own. You do reach a point where, when you see a storm coming, you know how to prepare for it, and you purchase and lay out all the supplies you need, and when the storm finishes, you can get your house back up and ready in practically no time at all. You do reach a point where storms aren’t so scary, because you know how to weather them and you know for a fact that you can recover from them. You do reach a point where friends ask you for tips on how to clean their houses You do reach a point where, every time you need a tool, it’s one you already posses. You do reach a point where you’ve replaced all the windows and sealed up all the cracks and replaced the insulation, and for the first time, you’re comfortable all the way through a winter. You do reach a point where someone compliments you on how clean and comfortable your house is. You do reach a point where you’ve done all the remediation, and you can start remodeling the house to fit your needs.

So yeah, it’s a lot of hard work that’ll never be done.  But it’s also so, so worth it.

gentle reminders in case you need it:

it’s ok to start “late”

drink water if you haven’t for hours

it’s ok if u need more time than other people

it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling

you have a cute smile

you make people happy

you have plenty of good traits

you are loved

you deserve all the good things

it’s ok if you relapse, it doesn’t make u weak

bad days are just temporary

tomorrow is a new day

you can heal again

I’m proud of you

Happy new year you all! 💛 I wish you all a good start to the year, and I hope these chibirds can help you re-center your values and provide some positivity and motivation! You don’t have to be perfect - let’s just do the best that we can!

2020 Year of Motivation Calendar! ✨

This January is not only a new year but a new decade, and so there is even more pressure to “start fresh,” change your life, and simply transform into an idealized version of yourself.

Please don’t feel pressured by this. Life is already difficult enough without stressing out over metamorphizing into a new person overnight. The best change comes slowly, so keep trying to add little bits of goodness and happiness to your life here and there, and most of all, be patient with yourself.

How to Keep it Together During the Pandemic

We’re living through a scary and unpredictable global event right now, and you may be having a hard time coping. There’s a lot of advice flying around the internet right now about how to manage your mental health during this crisis - unfortunately, a lot of that advice assumes that you are an upper-middle-class person quarantined in comfortable conditions, and that your biggest issue right now is boredom or low productivity. 

But what are you supposed to do if your issues with this pandemic run a little deeper than that? What if you were barely hanging on by a thread before this pandemic struck, and now you feel like you’re in free-fall? What if you are an essential worker being run ragged at an understaffed job? What if your biggest issue right now is not “how do I make this pandemic a productive time for me, creatively and spiritually” but “how do I convince myself to keep living until this is over”? I won’t pretend to have all the answers - I don’t think anyone does - but I do have a few tips to help you get through this thing without coming completely unraveled:

Focus on your physical needs right now. From now until this pandemic ends, you are effectively a Sim. Your main job right now is to make sure that all your little mood bars are full - just like Sims, people under severe stress can’t even begin to cope with it until all of their very basic needs are met. Now is not the time to worry about things like productivity and personal fulfillment - your focus right now is on whether you need a snack, shower, or to change into some more comfortable pants. 

Stock up on easy-to-prepare foods that are high in protein. Not everyone has the time or motivation to be cooking artisan sourdough bread in quarantine. If you aren’t able to cook healthy meals for yourself, just focus on getting at least three solid sources of protein every day - protein makes you feel fuller and more alert, and is a better choice than low-protein snacks like potato chips if you’re struggling to eat every day. Look for things that require little or no effort to make - granola bars, roasted nuts, peanut butter, cheese, canned beans in sauce, eggs, canned tuna and beef jerky are solid choices.

Do a fifteen-minute ‘declutter’ every day. Cleaning may seem like a pretty daunting task right now, and you may not have the time or energy to do it. But living in filthy surroundings takes an enormous toll on your mental health, and it can be overwhelming if you let things get too bad. Take just fifteen minutes per day to deal with the obvious stuff - bag up the garbage, take all the dirty dishes out of your bedroom, wipe up obvious spills, throw out rotting food and put the dirty laundry in a hamper. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be livable. 

Make sure you are accessing whatever relief programs are available to you. Several countries and states have set up financial relief programs, loan payment deferrals, and other programs to help people get through this tough time. If you are struggling to pay your bills, call your providers and ask if your payment can be deferred or reduced. If you did not previously qualify for local programs, check back regularly - eligibility is changing all the time. 

Find effective distractions. Find things that take your mind off of your anxieties, even for a short time. These don’t have to be educational or have any self-improvement value whatsoever. If watching  old Jerry Springer re-runs at jet-engine volume is what gets your mind off your worries for an hour, then that’s what you’re going to watch. Whether it’s video games, reality TV shows or hours upon hours of YouTube ‘haul’ videos, the only thing that matters is that it distracts you.

Limit your exposure to the news. Watching people speculate wildly for hours about how bad the pandemic will be and how many people will die is not healthy. The basic information about this pandemic has not changed - it’s bad, it’s contagious, you need to wash your hands and stay inside as much as possible. Check the news only for genuinely important public health updates, and then turn it off. Obsessing does not change what’s happening, and it does not improve your mental health. 

Let friends and family know that you may be in and out. Maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy that you may not have right now, and responding to everyone’s messages quickly might just not be possible right now. Let your family and friends know that you care about them, but that you’re going through a lot right now and you might be spotty about answering their messages. Try to have at least some social contact every day with the people who are most important to you, but don’t pressure yourself to keep up with everyone right now. 

Block or mute people who share unhelpful ‘motivational’ content on your timeline. You don’t need to be reminded four times per day that Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. Shakespeare didn’t have to work a minimum-wage job at the grocery store while people screamed at him because the place had run out of flour. We all have self-righteous people on our social media feeds right now who are lecturing others about the need to “maximize” their time and relentlessly pursue self-improvement during quarantine. You don’t need that right now. Mute ‘em. 

If you need to pretend the pandemic isn’t happening for a few hours, go for it. Contrary to popular belief, dissociation is not always a bad thing - it’s one of the most basic emotional defense mechanisms we have. If dealing with the reality of the pandemic is too much for you right now, then put your mind somewhere else. Pretend you are the hero of a dystopian novel, or an early settler who has to figure out how to feed her family with limited food supplies. You can mentally deal with the enormity of the pandemic after it’s over - for now, find whatever narrative helps you get through this while still following public health guidelines. 

Access domestic violence resources if you need them. If you are quarantined in a violent situation situation and you feel your safety is in danger, please remember that domestic violence shelters are still open and they are still taking new clients. If you have a family member or friend that you can stay with, that’s also a good option - the health risks of breaking quarantine to move in with a friend are not as serious as the health risks of remaining in an abusive and violent household. 

If you need a prescription refill, make arrangements well before you run out of medication. Doctors’ visits for non-essential appointments are seriously limited right now. If you know that you are almost out of prescription refills, call your doctor’s office well ahead of time to let them know, and see if they can renew your prescription without an appointment, or if they can conduct an appointment over Zoom or via phone call. Medical professionals are extremely busy right now, so it’s important to make arrangements well in advance to make sure you don’t run out of your medication. 

Let someone know if you need to be checked on. If you know you aren’t doing well but you don’t necessarily have the energy to talk about it, just let someone close to you know that you would like them to check on you - this could be a weekly check-in to see how you’re doing, a daily reminder that you need to eat dinner, or having them remind you to go to bed if they see you online past a certain time. Figure out what you need, and communicate your needs to someone you can trust. 

Find one thing to look forward to every day. Find one tiny thing about tomorrow that’s not going to suck, and hang onto it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you’re going to have a can of your favourite soda, or watch an episode of your favourite show. Maybe you’re going to call a friend or read another chapter of a book you’re enjoying. Find something that you can latch onto as a reason to get up tomorrow, no matter how small. 

Let yourself rest. If you find that you need a lot more sleep than you normally do, that’s totally fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it. Living in a constant state of high stress is exhausting, and you may find that you need a lot of rest. If you don’t have the energy to do much more than sit in front of the TV and do a few basic chores, that’s fine - you don’t actually need to be spending your spare time reading War and Peace or learning to play the mandolin. If you need rest, let your mind and body rest. 

Just get through the rest of today. If getting through the rest of the pandemic seems daunting or overwhelming, don’t focus on that. Focusing on getting through the rest of the day. And then tomorrow, get up and do the same thing all over again. Take this situation one day at a time - the key to enduring this is not figuring out how to sustain your mental health for six months all at once, but to focus on sustaining your mental health just for the rest of the day, over and over again. 

This pandemic is a scary thing for a lot of people, and we don’t yet know how this will play out or when it will end. But we do know that it will end someday. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, no matter what your circumstances are - we will get through this. 

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

Being Kind doesn’t mean becoming a complete pushover. You can be kind and have very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable to you.

Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.

Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.

You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.

You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.

Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.

I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.

You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.

You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.