You Don’t Have To Change Your Life Overnight, But Try To Add Good Things To It Each Day.

Sometimes people add the cutest nicest tags to one of my posts, and then I sit there giggling like a dork for entire minutes. I love you too, followers!

drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!

here’s a shortcut – 

is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?

for example

going to a music concert or festival

a sports game

a flea market or farmer’s market

traveling

visiting a public park

eating at a restaurant

driving in traffic

walking through the city

hiking

spending time with animals/pets

expressing yourself creatively

people-watching

reading forums or nonfiction books

and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!

try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:

how many people you’re with

how well you know them

the location

any distracting activities you’re doing

whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively

is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?

and (very important)

the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them

as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)

do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?

(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)

and with your AvPD:

what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)

what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?

okay, one more point:

if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!

and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone. 

why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.

plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>

if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.

but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)

being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks

I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!

- Shinji

Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)

Having a safe person means so much.

When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.

With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.

They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)

They don’t react in the ways that I fear.

They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.

They’re actively considerate of my feelings.

A safe person cares about your feelings.

They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.

And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.

So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.

This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.

Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.

And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.

When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.

That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.

And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.

So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.

A note about dependency

I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.

But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.

You can have more than one!

Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.

It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.

And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.

It doesn’t make you unlovable or a horrible person if you don’t have many friends. It can be difficult to meet new people if you’re shy or quiet or have anxiety. It can be difficult to stay in touch with people if you can’t find the time or energy to remain in contact. It can be difficult to make new friends if you struggle to find people you click with or who are interested in the same things as you. None of those things mean you’re unlovable. 

Apologies for the format and need to zoom, but I thought this response was wonderful

Try stuff. Put plants in your room even if you aren’t the best at caring for them. Attempt that dessert recipe even if it turns out ugly. Listen to that music you’ve been meaning to try for a while. The world is full of infinite sources of goodness and the best thing to do it to try and find as many as possible.

“Darling, you deserve it all. You deserve love and peace and magic and joy dancing in your eyes. You deserve hearty, deep-belly laughter and the right to let those tears fall and water the soil. You deserve freedom and goodness and company and days of bliss and quiet too. You deserve you happy and healed and content and open. So keep going, darling. Keep going.”

— Unknown

Sometimes I forget about the magic. Like the moon and red leaves and how the apples grow again and again outside my windows.

Sabrina Ward Harrison (via julesofnature)

Hi! Hope you don’t mind if I take a different angle here:

It is absolutely possible to experience some symptoms but not all, and still need and deserve help.

I’m kind of inferring, Anon, so this might not be what you’re talking about. Let me say up front that if you want to pursue an official diagnosis, for any reason, that’s totally fine!

But also?

You don’t have to be diagnosed for your struggle to be valid. 

You don’t even have to be diagnosable.

And you don’t have to reach a “bad enough” point before you deserve to feel better.

Our culture puts forward the idea that only some people – people with Real Problems™ – get to have feelings, need help, or spend time trying to be happy. But that’s complete nonsense. Everyone needs to do those things, and everyone deserves to.

It’s okay to recognize how miserable you feel, or admit how much you’re struggling! You’re allowed to care about being happy.

You’re a good enough, real enough, valid enough person already. Your feelings matter. You matter -- and you don’t have to do anything to “earn” that, or to deserve to feel better and be happy.

Now…

Having a name for a specific condition or group of conditions, like AvPD and PD’s in general, is useful because similar problems usually behave in similar ways. (And honestly! So many PD’s have overlap!)

These labels aren’t a permanent stamp of “Here’s What’s Wrong With You.” They exist basically to point you in the right direction – to help you understand what’s happening, and which treatments are likely to help you.

If you relate to the experiences of people with AvPD, then the treatments that help AvPD will probably help you, too. Even if you never meet the official criteria for “having the disorder.”

Maybe you’re just Avoidant-ish … but you might discover that solutions like DBT, self-care, and social support still work really well to help you function and live the way you want.

The most important thing is finding things that work for you. And maybe getting an official diagnosis is part of that process for you. If so, that’s fantastic, good luck! But, it’s not a prerequisite.

You’re allowed to need help at any point, so don’t wait for that moment before you start to work on getting better. We are all learning, growing and trying to take care of ourselves. And you belong here just as much as the rest of us.

<3

is it possible to experience some symptoms of avpd (or any pd) but not all and still have avpd? (it's ok if not, you don't need to spare my feelings haha)

Hello. 

Yes and no. It depends what you mean. The current diagnostic criteria states 4 out of 7 symptoms need to be present in order for a formal diagnosis plus the general PD criteria. You definitely don’t need all of them but you do need 4 or more. For more information, visit our What Is AvPD? page.

- Jay. 

Workbooks and Self-Help Books for Mental Illnesses & Symptoms

Hello everybody! I was just thinking about how I always recommend people who can’t get therapy to use workbooks, so I thought I’d make a quick list of some you could look at. I’m not comfortable recommending books for things I have not struggled with (like, if I was looking at the description of a book on OCD I’d have no idea if it was good or not) but I think I’ve covered a lot. Some of these are series which have workbooks for specific disorders like bipolar, etc., if you want to find some. Plus, you don’t have to be diagnosed with something to use a workbook if you think it’ll help you.

Workbooks are sometimes made to be done in conjunction with therapy, or something like that, but anyone can still get something out of them if you put in regular work and try to apply the skills.

I’ve linked them all the Amazon because they’re usually cheaper on there.

For reference: DBT = dialectical behaviour therapy, CBT = cognitive behavioural therapy, ACT = acceptance and commitment therapy

Anxiety, Depression, and Intrusive Thoughts

The CBT Anxiety Solution Workbook

The Anxiety and Worry Workbook

The DBT Skills Workbook for Anxiety

The Anxiety Toolkit

Depressed and Anxious: The DBT Workbook

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression

The Cognitive Behavioural Workbook for Depression 

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts 

The Anxious Thoughts Workbook

Borderline Personality Disorder

The BPD Survival Guide

Stronger Than BPD

You Untangled

Mindfulness for BPD

The BPD Toolbox

Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery 

Interpersonal Problems

The Interpersonal Problems Workbook 

ACT for Interpersonal Issues 

Anger

The DBT Skills Workbook for Anger

The Anger Workbook for Teens

Anger Management for Everyone

ACT on Life Not on Anger

Trauma and PTSD

Overcoming Trauma and PTSD

The PTSD Workbook For Teens

The Complex PTSD Workbook

You Empowered

Self Harm

Freedom from Self harm

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Self-Injury

Rewrite: The Journey from Self-Harm to Healing

General Emotional Issues/Multiple Disorders

Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook 

The DBT Skills Workbook

Don’t Let Emotions Run Your Life

The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions

The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook

Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods Workbook