It Doesn’t Make You Unlovable Or A Horrible Person If You Don’t Have Many Friends. It Can Be Difficult

#Coping with coronavirus and dissociation

The following recommendations might be very basic, but I find they’ve been helping me to stay on track. I have been having difficulties with DID and complex PTSD symptoms and almost ended up kind of losing touch with reality in certain ways because of feeling so far away from the world but also not wanting to interact with ‘the outside.’ Things got pretty rough during the cold months in my country when winter storms and frigid temperatures kept everyone indoors and miserable, which made me withdraw from friends even though I was thinking of them and wanting to see them. It was like the pandemic was inspiring me to disappear, which was nice at first but soon became problematic as my issues with depression, anxiety, etc. went haywire. I had to come up with some fundamentals to figure out how to cope through it all.

I’ve recently taken up photography, using solitary adventuring to explore and contemplate or even meditate while snapping shots of the world around me. It’s also turned into an exercise for mindfulness, which has been helpful especially as summertime hit. Since photography is something that can be done pretty easily with company and while physical distancing, I’ve been visiting with friends within my ‘social bubble’ of less than 10 people, keeping it safe and relaxed as I’ve incorporated visits on a weekly basis to add some socializing to my routine.

Speaking of routines, the ones I’ve fallen back on daily have made me feel more stable and in control on multiple levels. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from working all of the time or becoming lost in never ending creative projects and burning out, so I’ve also taken the time to do yoga, which has given me the opportunity to meditate on how I can be there for others and perform acts of kindness, support, and compassion while also figuring out how to care for myself and tweak my perception so as to avoid becoming lost in cognitive distortions that would certainly make things worse.

Though routine is a big source of comfort, I also find that it’s been equally important to have things to look forward to, certain moments with friends and loved ones that seem to be given more meaning in the disconnect. One thing that has happened recently, which has been a source of comfort and fun for both my partner and I, has been the adoption of a young kitten. I feel like spending time with pets can be as comforting as spending time with people and has helped me find a balance when it comes to lingering for too long in front of screens.

Last but not least, a huge source of stability has been to spend a decent amount of time outside, soaking in a bit of light and enjoying the fresh air, or even stepping out to enjoy the cooling freshness of a rainy day. We might not be able to spend time up close with friends, but it can be very helpful to connect with nature however and whenever possible.

It might sometimes feel easier to withdraw and disappear, but that line of thinking can be pretty misleading and counterproductive. I feel like creativity is often overlooked during such stressful times but is something that can help release stress and provide distractions from wanting to constantly check social media or wind up in a black hole of television/streaming binges. No matter what you end up doing, however, always remember to treat yourself properly, care for your body, and also remember to be gentle with yourself when necessary. Even with this insanity going on in the world, you are worth it and deserve to feel comfort even and especially during the loneliest moments.

Thank you for submitting this! This is all very good advice. I’m glad that you’ve found several ways to make the pandemic easier for you to cope with, and I hope that this helps some of our followers as well. Take care.

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We’re welcoming asks and submissions about coping during the coronavirus pandemic with the hashtag #coping with coronavirus and dissociation. If you’d like to participate, send us an ask or submit a post! More details can be found here. For those who missed it, we also have a masterpost about coping techniques during the pandemic here.

Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done.

unknown (via samxcamargo)

Things to remember when you want to say "no," assert yourself, and ask for what you want

If I say “no” to someone and they get angry, this does not mean I should have said “yes.”

Saying “no” does not make me selfish.

Although I want to please the people I care about, I do not have to please them all the time.

It is okay to want or need something from someone else. 

My wants and needs are just as important as those of anyone else.

I have the right to assert myself, even if I may inconvenience others. 

a lot of it depends on what you know about yourself! the stressfulness of a job varies SO much from person to person, depending on their abilities and preferences.

I would guess that people with AvPD probably value alone time (it’s restful), anonymity (personal connection is scary), and predictability (if you know what to do, you’re less likely to make a mistake and be criticized).

in general, back room jobs usually involve less face time with people. same with night shifts. stuff like data entry is usually pretty easy and chill, + some jobs like that will be short term, so if you have a hard time quitting, having the endpoint built-in can be a relief.

and if you’re interested in specifically limited-term work and don’t know where to begin, you can look into temp and staffing agencies! they coordinate all kinds of stuff like that, and you can tell them what sort of timespan you’re looking for.

here are some things to think about:

are you more stressed out by social interactions, or having to face things on your own?

can you self-manage? or do you need guidance and support from a boss, partner, or team?

do you learn quickly? how are your executive skills? prioritizing, initiating tasks, staying focused, multi-tasking etc. if these are strong, you might do great working solo (keywords like.. “self-directed” and “independent”)

would you rather interact mostly...

with customers, like in a retail store? (can be very stressful and fast-paced, but you’re basically anonymous from day to day)

or with coworkers, like in an office? (way more predictable and usually slower-paced. but they get to know you over time, so you’re much more visible as a person)

do you like corporate/chain environments, where there’s already lots of structure in place?

there’s generally a clear procedure for changing your hours, quitting, etc. and people don’t take it so personally. and your job is well-defined: you know what’s expected of you

but if having set expectations feels too inflexible and ‘trapped’ for you, then consider small local businesses, or places with very chill management (usually young managers, in my experience)

that’s all the general stuff I can think of ~ so I’m just gonna speak for myself now, and hope the example is useful!

my tactic is to look for jobs that

will put low responsibility/attention on me

involve something I actually like or am good at

and don't set off too many of my anxiety/stress triggers!

for less responsibility and pressure, I personally want to work with a group of other people doing the same job as me -- that way not everything is automatically My Problem, and I can stick to the things I’m good at. it also means I have a better chance of finding someone non-scary to help me and teach me, or to partner with. I can’t handle not knowing what to do, so being (functionally & emotionally) able to ask someone for help is A+.

I gravitate toward working with animals, books, and things I can physically organize or clean. I really enjoy that stuff -- which means it helps me self-soothe throughout the day.

(same with competence!! I feel inadequate and bad at things by default, so getting to do stuff I’m actually good at is really stabilizing and calming for me. but it’s not mandatory.)

I also watch out for things I know I’d dread/probably suck at. I have ADHD and social anxiety, so I try to avoid self-management, fast paced anything, driving, improvising, phone-heavy work, making public announcements and dealing with difficult customers. I generally look for more limited and pre-defined jobs so I know what to expect.

for me, this means even though I’d be fantastic at tech support, I won’t ever apply at a call center (phones! angry people!); with my memory and attention problems, food service would be a total nightmare, and probably so would receptionist work, managing other people, making deliveries, or anything in a very busy environment.

plus, here is a thing that I suspect might be AvPD-specific:

once I’ve had a job somewhere, I feel super anxious and avoid-y about going back there!! ever, for any reason!

it’s really severe (what if I see someone who knows me?? plus all the Shame Memories and associations and visibility agh. this isn’t healthy, but for now it’s where I’m at.) so ~ no jobs at my favorite places, otherwise I may never go back to them, and that would suck.

but on the other hand -- if you can find a place where other people’s normal is close to your normal, you’ll probably feel more at ease. like, book stores are very inviting for people (workers AND customers) who are quiet and not very sociable! gaming stores are super welcoming for geeks! you’ll fit in better if you already resemble the people there. which also means it’s easier to be invisible when you want to.

some things I’m seriously considering right now are

stocking at a bookstore

working at a flower shop or craft store

maybe a maid service or hotel

and I’m realizing that driving is a huge Thing for me, so I’m starting to look at just what’s nearby. that limits my options a lot, but it’s nice to know what my priorities are.

specific job options really depend on your background/skills, what sort of place you live in, etc. (big city vs small town vs work at home, even), but maybe this is a starting point for narrowing it down!

hope it’s helpful =)

do any of you have job suggestions that are fairly low stress? i need to try to get one this summer but i’m Afraid.

“In that way, you’ve acknowledged that you’re unsure, that you don’t know what to do or say. You’ve acknowledged that you see them. They feel seen. They feel heard and acknowledged, which is huge for someone who’s in crisis.” Wentworth Miller | Q&A at Oxford Union | 2016 | x

“I hope you let yourself learn from the moments of stillness, the moments of silence, and the moments of rest. I hope you see that even when you don’t think there is any growth happening, there is — it’s just steady and slow.”

— Megan Minutillo, Please Embrace The Slowness

Levels of relationship, part 2: Safe people

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. You can read part 1 of this post here.)

Having a safe person means so much.

When you have a safe person in your life, that relationship becomes really important. Here’s why.

With a safe person, I am welcome. It’s okay to exist.

They’ve demonstrated that they won’t hurt me, even when they have the chance. (They prove this by just literally not doing it, over time.)

They don’t react in the ways that I fear.

They’re consistently kind and supportive of me.

They’re actively considerate of my feelings.

A safe person cares about your feelings.

They really want to know how you feel, and they want to make sure you’re okay. How you feel actually matters to them.

And this is SO important for us -- because with AvPD, we are not good at dealing with our feelings. We’re not good at standing up for them, expressing them -- or even sometimes being aware of them.

So when someone proactively cares about how we feel, and maybe even encourages us (gently!) to open up ... it’s like they’re creating a space where our feelings are OK. It’s OK to have them, and to feel them, and to talk about them. And that’s something I don’t think people with AvPD get to experience much.

This could happen as subtly as you having an anxiety attack, and them acting calm and accepting instead of freaking out. You just get the sense that it’s okay. You’re okay with them.

Because our feelings are “allowed” in a relationship with a safe person, we’re able to let our walls down and let them see who we really are. It may only be a tiny bit of visibility, but it’s often a lot more than we have in any other relationship.

And when they respond positively to our self-revealing, we get emotional affirmation, and we can feel accepted. Which is hugely healing.

When we’re with them, we feel more like a whole person.

That emotional support and acceptance, in fact, is just like what people without AvPD get from their normal relationships.

And that’s why it’s so important to us. We have the same need for acceptance, friendship, and being liked as anyone else -- it’s just so much harder for us to receive it.

So with the rare person who can soften our defenses and let us feel safe being close to them ... that’s a treasure we never take for granted.

A note about dependency

I do think there’s some potential overlap with being dependent on someone (like with DPD or codependency). I became absolutely obsessed with my first safe person, and it wasn’t good for me or for them.

But I also think it's natural to value a “safe person” type relationship very highly, and to want to be close to them, and I don’t think that’s automatically unhealthy. This is just something we need to be aware of, and it’s a good idea to check on boundaries and comfort levels once in a while.

You can have more than one!

Just like people without AvPD can have more than one positive relationship, people with AvPD can have more than one safe person. It’s just equally rare to find a second person you “click” with that way. But there’s nothing automatically exclusive about it, and it can be nice to have more than one person to talk to.

It’s also a spectrum. Each relationship is unique, and it changes a little with every interaction. You might have one safe person who you’ve known for a long time, and then another one you’re still building a relationship with. The important thing is whether you get that sense of emotional support and acceptance from being with them.

And who knows? Eventually, you might just start calling your safe people “close friends” -- because that’s pretty much what they are for us.

I think… one of the interesting things about online messaging and texting is that sometimes, writing out your feelings to someone is actually so much easier than speaking them. Like, I cannot easily express myself through verbal words. I stutter, I panic, I say “nevermind” because I can’t bring myself to admit the words out loud. But with online messaging, I can blabber on the keyboard like a stream of consciousness, and I can express myself to my friends in a way that’s sometimes very hard for me to do irl

Which is why I’m so defensive about this whole belief that face to face communication is more real than online interactions. In a way, yeah, it is, because it’s more literally “real,” and im not at all gonna deny the value in irl relationships. But online communication has genuinely allowed me, a socially anxious person with a fear of opening up, to develop meaningful relationships with people, and you don’t understand how grateful I am for that

Just a PSA: if you’re starting to feel like your mental health has been going down the drain and feeling really low and fatigued and finding it hard to do stuff, please be kind to yourself.

My psych has told me she’s seeing LOTS of people go into this state, and it’s because all the adrenaline and anxiety and stress at the start of corona has been used up, and now your brain is going into a sort of depressive mode.

So please be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself too hard and ask for extra support if you need it! !

I just read the line “President Donald Trump also indicated that federal squads would likely target cities run by the party that opposes him” in a real-life news article and I’m just thinking about how people really thought Democrats were overreacting in 2016 and that we should “give him a chance”