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Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do
Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.
This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.
People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.
So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.
Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.
If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.
This is how people get stuck.
In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.
This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).
If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)
This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.
There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?
I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:
There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.
Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).
(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.
(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.
So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.
With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.
People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.
People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.
There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.
You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.
Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)
Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills
Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity
Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)
Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.
In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:
breath and relaxation practices,
“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,
planning and preparing for likely outcomes,
reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”
Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!
But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.
Identify what your big stressors are.
Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.
Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.
Start observing yourself.
Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.
This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.
Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.
Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!
Much love <3
Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me
Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.
First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.
You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.
You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.
You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.
That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.
(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)
The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.
It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.
It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.
You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.
And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.
Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.
AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.
(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)
It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.
Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.
Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.
It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.
And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse.
It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.
It’s not that kind of problem.
That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”
What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.
We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.
People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.
Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.
It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.
This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.
But even further than that …
The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.
It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.
Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.
But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.
… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.
And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.
Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.
And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3
(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)
So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.
The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.
This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.
Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.
Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.
It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.
It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.
But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.
They need you to believe them.
If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.
Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.
It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.
Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).
Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.
You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”
And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.
“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”
These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.
Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.
First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”
Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”
And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”
It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.
But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!
Hi there anon!
Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:
What you want to accomplish by telling your parents
What your relationship with your parents is like
Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?
Honestly, from what I’ve read, this general pattern seems almost-typical for AvPD.
We’re good at masks, at acting through situations. We’ve usually learned how to “pass” and seem “good enough” on the surface. That’s so we can escape being noticed for who we actually are -- rather than “how” we can act.
It’s a kind of invisibility. And masks can suffice, until somebody tries looking behind them. (Not because we’re defective and the cat is finally out of the bag!, but because ... when we feel exposed, we run away. Yep.)
This isn’t necessarily the same as social anxiety; different things can make us feel exposed. Like I’m fine chatting with strangers, but people I’m close to? Who expect me to have things to say? Hoo boy.
Also: Yes, I definitely do the “avoid, avoid, oh no it’s too late to choose” thing. Usually by being noncommittal when people ask me to do something. (I should really write a post about that.) I’ve started not doing it, though, which is a real adventure.
Followers & other AvPD peeps, how about it? Do you relate to any of this stuff?
AvPD Pondering Two…
I avoid my problems a lot and lie quite a bit to make myself seem more capable. I know the problems won’t go away by ignoring them, but I always feel like if I can get them to a point of no return then I can deal with the aftermath better than trying to fix the problem. I’d rather face the consequences than fail at trying to right things in the first place. And I do this consciously. Sometimes I wait and see if the issue will resolve itself, and by the time I realize it won’t I’m in Too Deep and I just kind of… let it happen. I don’t know if it’s because then I can tell myself there wasn’t anything I could do about it, or obviously if there had been an easy solution I would have done it, etc?
But then, whenever I see people admit to their short comings I’m like, how do they do that?? And people still like them?! Even after they mess up or have a different opinion or get angry. They are still thought of with as much respect as they were before they did something Wrong. I don’t know why I can’t see how that could be said for me too, but I just can’t. Which means I’m hyper critical of myself whenever I do anything even slightly off. I don’t even like telling people mundane things for fear the ‘facts’ will change in the future and I will have been the deliverer of False News. Even with factors outside of my control. Like if I say something it’s the absolute truth, and if I have to go back on what I said it’s Not Good, but with others it’s fine. I understand mistakes happen, and plans change, it’s just that when I’m the one relaying the message the same logic doesn’t hold. I feel like it’s my fault when I’m misinformed.
And this is the last, and most intriguing to me, point I have for this post before it becomes too long- Is anyone really good at first impressions? I have a lot to write about in regards to how I think I portray myself and how I get through social interactions, but a big chunk of that, that I didn’t understand until now, is that I’m great at first impressions. I’m good at putting on a Face and being relatable and then I’m SUPER good at keeping it superficial. I make better first impressions than my introverted, or shy friends, but they’re better at staying on top of the relationship as it progresses. Because they’re becoming more themselves as they get comfortable and I’m becoming distant as I get uncomfortable.
(I’m actually really interested to see if anyone else relates to the first impressions thing. Because I used to wonder why I could do so well and then fade away every. time. And I finally realized it’s because I don’t want relationships to progress, and I wonder if others do the same? A way to keep people at bay? Because I know a lot of people with AvPD seem to have social anxiety tendencies as well, and are uncomfortable around most people, and I’m not really sure I relate to that.)
Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like ... a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.
Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.
Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.
People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.
They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.
Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation -- they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”
It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.
But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.
The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person -- it just seems dangerous and harsh.
And we can’t put these feelings into context.
We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.
We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.
That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.
It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.
It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.
Our inner experience is turned into chaos.
We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.
We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.
And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.
Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:
“I might be able to enjoy this thing... but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”
Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.
What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.
(more here!)
drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!
here’s a shortcut –
is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?
for example
going to a music concert or festival
a sports game
a flea market or farmer’s market
traveling
visiting a public park
eating at a restaurant
driving in traffic
walking through the city
hiking
spending time with animals/pets
expressing yourself creatively
people-watching
reading forums or nonfiction books
and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!
try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:
how many people you’re with
how well you know them
the location
any distracting activities you’re doing
whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively
is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?
and (very important)
the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them
as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)
do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?
(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)
and with your AvPD:
what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)
what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?
okay, one more point:
if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!
and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone.
why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.
plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>
if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.
but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)
being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks
I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!
- Shinji