Anor3c1a - Blog Posts

I just baked a cake for my Dad's birthday tomorrow

I haven't baked anything in a very long time and I was just remembering how I used to love eating the batter

Not anymore though

I really hope I will get around actually having to eat it, I think I'll just say I'll take a piece to school with me maybe

I haven't weighed myself in at least a week now I think, which is crazy considering I usually get super obsessed with it and sometimes do it multiple times a day, but for one I'm too scared what the scale may say and then if I actually want to see my progress I need to look for actual physical changes and don't rely on the number of the scale?

I guess I'll try it out for a bit, except for yesterday I was in a deficit ever day that week and I'll just try not to weigh myself for a while and hopefully get a pleasant surprise when I do

I feel dirty and I don't feel real

Like it seriously feels like being fat is blocking me from actually living and being someone

I know that sounds silly but I can't take myself serious like this

And I don't know who I am if I'm not skinny

How does one let cherry tomatoes become a binge food

Why

When

What

How

I don't understand

I had my first strawberries these time of year. They were fucking huge and juicy and so, so red and they reminded me of that huge ass banana I had the other day.

Fruit are so fucking good they're like my candy

(I don't even like that packaged junk anymore, but now when I crave it's oats and yoghurt and honey and - thankfully - fruit, which is still super easy to binge on, even if it's healthier)

I feel so bad turning down the food my parents or friends got me just to make me happy

Because despite the fact that my mom and I watch shows or movies almost every day together, it's kind of rare that my dad joins in as well and recently we're watching through some old classics and it's kind of special

And I was really excited to watch another movie with them today and I told them and they extra bought chips and said they were for me and 🥲

It's so sweet but chips are like my fear food number one

It's a dangerous game always asking my parents to buy me protein bars and coke zero, but that way they'll pay for it, which is good because I really need to save atm

So the only safe food I'm buying for myself are energy drinks because my parents don't allow them

This Moment when I've borrowed my friend money the other day and I ask her about it - it's not even that I care about the money on itself that much, just wanted to remind her - and she just says that she doesn't have cash and offers to buy me something in the cafeteria instead - despite always being the first to make jokes about how I never eat

It's not that big of a deal, but it did kinda bug me, because the way she said it made it sound like she knew exactly what she was doing and stuff

Because she's always trying to pressure me into eating, which I appreciate, but then it also gets annoying

If I for some reason ever end up having kids of my own I will never ever comment on their body, their weight or compare them to other children, not even their siblings, and then try to soothe them by telling them they're just built bulky. No. I will definitely not be encouraging of they may be overweight and - fucking (un)surprisingly - eat less. And if they lose weight, I won't comment on how grown up they look now with all the face fat gone or grab their ribcage and act fucking impressed or openly diet in front of them or fucking WALK INTO THE ROOM TO WEIGH MYSELF EVERY DAY WHILST I LITERALLY STAND THERE LIKE 🧍🏽

And if I notice my kid is ⭐ving themselve I'm not going comment on it constantly and never do anything, and I won't just shut up when they suddenly begin eating again, devouring everything in sight and all the other things.

And if their Grandma does any of these things I'm just not going to let them see each other when I'm not around. Because I won't have her feed them every fucking calorie in the house just because she didn't give a shit, and then have her try to gossip about my weight with my Mom and keep fucking comparing me to my sister and shit there is so much more and I'm sorry for the rant

Checking my cal counting app for comfort

Dad bought me coke zero but the caffeine free one.... I guess it kinda defeats the purpose but imma enjoy it anyway because diet coke duh and that was really sweet of him to think of me

Bought these protein bars today

I'm planning to have one for breakfast each day next week, because I need to fucking stop binging once I get home from school and maybe eating something before school will help

might be a bit over specific, but at the moment I like romanticise ⭐ving by pretending I'm just some cool guy commanding a space ship, classes are space ship school or something and I can't eat because I am infected by some alien parasite that'll eat me instead if I eat food... Or something.

Seriously, why am I like this

tempted to steal my Dad's laxatives

feeling fatter than ever any oversized clothes but also being scared to wear anything else, because they're my only "safe outfits"

was at my friend's birthday party and I fucked up SO BADLY. I promised myself to only eat one slice of cake and a to y portion of dinner today, but then came the evening snacks and all the stupid food and in my head I was constantly like, "I need to stop" but I fucking couldn't and now I feel like the worst person on earth. I woke up to the regret and we're about to eat breakfast, and here's the thing: I never eat around them usually and they keep pestering me with those "What have you eaten today? It's unhealthy" and stuff, and now I completely ruined that. So I planned not to eat breakfast at all, but if I don't eat that now after that fucking horrible binge yesterday... I'm just going to try to go to the bathroom in between and then get away with eating some fruit.

I fucking hate myself.

realizing that I can ALWAYS lock in, even if I'm 1000 cals deep in a binge I can put the food down and not make it 3000 everything makes a difference in the long run

my week has been going well but then today I ate some biscuits.... which were like 500 cals.

I feel so fucking guilty now and I'm going to have to have dinner with my family later, and tomorrow is my friend's birthday and she loves food and it's Saturday so I'll have to eat two meals instead of one, and none of that would be so bad had I not fucksed up today

"Nothing feels as good as water in an empty stomach"

Truuee but let me propose sf monster on an empty stomach

Having a white monster rn, man it's been months since I last had one, I missed that stuff

my friend was complaining about how she didn't like the sweets she was trying and I said "awwww" as in a friendly banter kind of thing and she just shot back, "Well, at least I am eating."

She said that so accusingly as well but I felt super fucking happy

getting used to the hunger once again (it's literally the best feeling)

Bruh my sister keeps pressuring her boyfriend into eating I'd literally break up with her

Sometimes I just like to drink hot water no tea no nothing

I swear it tastes different than cold water

There is as good as no better feeling than going back to losing weight after a long binge for me

Drinking water alone will get me hydrated and feeling overall better, but it's definitely not enough to make me skinny

Exercise may tone my body, but without a change in diet, in won't do that much

A cal deficit will make me lose weight overtime, but without exercise, it's quite slow (depending on the deficit ofc)

There are so many things playing a role - food is a huge part, but a whole bunch of stuff is important to make a safe, good change, so take care of your nutrition y'all

(Too lazy to make a proper list now - this sounded better in my head)

wearing my hair open makes my face look slim but shearing it in a ponytail makes me look morr masculine.... Decisions, decisions, all of them wrong

To me it kind of feels like I won't truly live until I'm skinny. That right now, there is still a wall I need to cross until I'm "on the other side" or something, when my life can finally begin.

It takes 30 days to build a habit, right? So maybe if I count the days I'll finally be consistent

You'd think after three years of this I'd have finally figured out something that works for me, but noooo

having a good relationship with food is nice, but being skinny is nicer