Ft. Cami & Darius - Blog Posts

          maybe  if  this  was  another  person  ,  camille  wouldn't  be  so  persistent  ,  but  she  doesn't  think  she  could  easily  let  darius  go  .  sure  ,  she's  fully  aware  by  now  that  she's  the  fucking  problem  ,  and  it's  times  like  this  that  reminds  her  she  wouldn't  always  get  what  she  wants  ,  but  that  doesn't  mean  she'd  just  sit  back  and  do  nothing  about  it  .  not  when  darius  is  right  here  ,  and  all  she  could  think  about  is  how  she  could  possibly  turn  back  time  so  they  would  still  be  together   ——  she  knows  it's  a  little  too  late  for  that  right  now  ,  but  still  ,  camille  likes  to  believe  she  would've  done  the  right  thing  if  she  was  given  the  chance  .  after  all  you  never  know  what  you  got  until  it's  gone  ,  right  ?

          his  answer  isn't  what  she  hopes  for  ,  and  even  when  he's  trying  to  be  nice  about  it  ,  camille  thinks  he's  just  fucking  with  her  right  now  .   “   so  you  don't  believe  it  ,   ”   she  remarks  ,  feels  another  tear  fall  down  her  cheek  .  camille  knows  she  should  just  bite  her  tongue  ,  should  just  suck  it  up  for  now  and  gives  him  more  time  to  think  ,  but  she  doesn't  really  has  any  patience  for  that  .  all  that  she's  hearing  now  is  that  darius  no  longer  wants  to  be  friends  with  her  ,  and  as  much  as  she  deserves  it  ,  it  makes  her  more  upset  than  anything  else  .  god  ,  she  could  feel  her  whole  body  trembling  at  this  moment  .   “   why  though  ?   ”   she  repeats  ,  hands  curling  into  ball  of  fists  on  her  side  .  did  he  know  that  she  went  back  to  julien  while  he  was  away  ?  then  again  ,  it's  not  like  they're  keeping  it  a  secret  this  time  ,  she  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  he  knew  .

          “   because  i  don't  love  him  ,  that's  why  .   ”   she  breathes  ,   “   he  means  nothing  to  me  ,  darius  .  he's  just  some  guy  i  fuck  around  with  ,  that's  all  .   ”   and  it's  the  truth  ,  but  it's  hard  to  believe  her  words  when  everyone  knows  she's  been  spotted  around  julien  grimaldi  often  enough  that  it  would  be  ridiculous  to  assume  otherwise  ,  even  if  most  of  the  time  it's  just  them  arguing  in  the  middle  of  the  street  .  things  have  always  been  so  complicated  between  them  anyways  .   “   i  just  didn't  know  what  to  do  when  you  left  me  ,   ”   she  knows  she  shouldn't  go  back  to  julien  though  ,  given  their  history  ,  and  yet  that's  what  she  fucking  did  .   “   well  ,  it's  true  that  i  did  go  back  to  him  ,  but  we're  already  broken  up  at  the  time  ,  so  it  doesn't  really  matter  now  ,  does  it  ?  and  please  ,  if  you  don't  think  we'd  ever  be  friends  anymore  ,  just  fucking  say  it  .   ”   it's  easier  for  me  to  let  you  go  that  way  .

     camille sure knows how to lean into the dramatics. maybe it wasn't always a conscious decision but she drags the hurt out in the exact way he dreaded when he recognized her. “ you're in no position to make any demands from me.  ”   it's not meant to be a challenge but maybe his tone makes it that way. it's not like he'd be any less callous. they way she handled them built up so much resentment in himself. he's not sure where to put that hurt down.     people like camille don't change overnight. the year that he was away was not enough for anything grand to take place. he thinks that maybe it's a little bit of his own fault for playing into her behavior when they were together. he did what she wanted, found ways to do it before she even asked. from where he was standing, it was princess behavior. some people don't really grow up. though it's not like he was very grown himself. “ i want to believe that at some point we could be friends again but that's all i can say for now.  ”   that's the thing about knowing someone so well. he's sure he's had that thought a million times over tonight. he knew her too well and it was difficult to see them at odds. she really would stand outside all night for an answer from him (they're both so stubborn). he eyes her up and down with a look of pity. julien grimaldi didn't seem to cut it for her but that was never darius' problem. “ why though? where's your white boy?  ”  

          camille  knows  this  is  not  easy  for  neither  of  them  ,  but  even  when  he's  hurting  ,  darius  has  always  so  patient  and  kind  with  her  .  she  had  expected  for  him  to  at  least  scream  at  her  ,  to  maybe  shove  her  away  and  refuse  to  even  stay  a  second  longer  and  listen  to  her  bullshit  .  she  had  already  imagined  the  worst  possible  scenario  that  could  happen  ,  and  yet  now  that  they're  standing  face  to  face  ,  all  that  she  is  reminded  of  is  how  badly  she  doesn't  deserve  anything  from  darius  anymore  .  still  ,  she  finds  herself  wishing  for  some  sort  of  miracle  ,  and  had  he  reacted  way  worse  than  this  ,  camille  would  have  been  convinced  that  there's  no  hope  for  her  to  mend  what's  already  broken  .

          “   no  ,  it's  not  okay  ,   ”   she  could  feel  tears  welling  up  in  her  eyes  ,   “   i  know  it's  not  okay  so  please  ,  darius  ,  just  yell  at  me  or  something  .  tell  me  you  hate  me  for  what  i  did  to  you  ,  anything  ,  just  fucking  talk  to  me  ,  alright  ?  i  need  to  know  if  you  still  want  me  in  your  life  or  if  it's  really  over  between  us  .   ”   maybe  it's  a  selfish  thought   ——   camille  believes  that  they  would  find  their  ways  to  each  other  again  no  matter  what  ,  but  having  spent  so  much  time  away  from  darius  makes  her  think  that  she  might  get  it  all  wrong  .  what  if  darius  has  actually  moved  on  and  she's  the  only  one  still  hanging  onto  the  idea  of  them  together  ?

          pulls  one  hand  away  to  wipe  the  tear  falling  down  her  cheek  ,   “   i'm  not  leaving  until  you  tell  me  your  answer  .   ”   this  is  what  she  came  for  anyways  ,  and  if  darius  truly  doesn't  want  her  in  his  life  anymore  ,  she'd  try  her  best  to  stay  away  from  him  after  this  .   “   tell  me  ,  darius  ,  do  you  really  think  this  is  the  end  for  us  ?   ”   she  knows  they  have  already  broken  up  ,  but  she  needs  to  hear  it  from  darius  again  .

      “ cami—it's okay. sorry—don't apologize.  ”  darius was never good with words. his thought process is all the divvied up emotions and things he'd like to say placed in a supercut. incoherent thoughts breed incoherent words, and he ends up hounding whoever had upset him. it's not fair to camille and anyone on the receiving end of his hurt.   “ i don't doubt that you loved me.  ”   that's darius running on his own time. what could he have done at the height of his hurt? he'd never yelled at camille before—of all people, he didn't ever plan to.

      but betrayal reaps a need for blood: he doesn't even hear it from camille. maybe if he did, he'd swallow whatever pride to try to understand—to try to make it work (because he wanted it to). it strikes him as a great loss: how does anyone deal with losing one's greatest confidant, companion, and lover all in one ?   “ can you blame me—? ”   it's the kind of pity party he hates to see and he pities her for a second.   “ —stop that— ” because he knows she's hurting herself. open palms gather her hands in his. some things never change. he practices his self control and she loses her self control.       “  it doesn't matter anymore.  ”   things like this were meant to stop hurting after awhile. it had been awhile.   “ i'm not in the space to hear what feelings you don't and do have.  ”   camille addario is simultaneously the last person he wanted to see and also likely the last person he'd see tonight.   “ compose yourself until you get home. ”

          anyone  in  their  social  circle  would  have  known  that  camille  and  darius  go  way  back  ,  and  they  were  best  friends  before  they  were  lovers  .  maybe  that's  why  this  whole  ordeal  hurt  more  than  it's  supposed  to  be  ,  because  what's  worse  than  a  heartbreak  if  not  a  betrayal  from  someone  who  you  think  would  always  have  your  back  ?  camille  stays  quiet  at  his  question  ,  knows  well  that  she  had  been  one  of  the  reasons  for  why  he  starts  smoking  in  the  first  place  .  hands  raised  to  hug  herself  ,  as  if  trying  to  keep  herself  from  falling  apart  ,  a  reminder  that  she  would  have  to  push  through  this  conversation  no  matter  how  painful  it  would  be  .  after  all  she  doesn't  think  she  could  stand  seeing  him  around  and  not  talk  to  him  any  longer  ,  even  if  she  knows  he's  probably  sick  of  her  by  now  .  hell  ,  even  camille  knows  she's  sick  of  herself  .  how  could  she  not  ?

          she  feels  her  nails  digging  into  her  skin  at  the  thought  .  darius  has  been  nothing  but  nice  to  her   ——   he's  always  been  supportive  of  what  she  does  ,  never  seemed  to  question  her  choices  or  why  she  desperately  wanted  to  be  in  the  spotlight  when  he  himself  despises  it  .  he  never  cared  for  the  fame  and  attention  ,  and  even  when  their  relationship  wasn't  made  public  ,  he  always  made  her  feel  loved  and  seen  .  it's  not  like  they  were  unhappy  ,  and  yet  she  still  ended  up  in  another  man's  arms  ,  as  if  what  they  had  was  never  enough  to  begin  with  .  his  words  make  her  speechless  ,  feels  the  pang  of  guilt  rising  in  her  chest  .  camille  braces  herself  to  look  at  him  ,  trying  to  clear  the  lump  suddenly  caught  in  her  throat  .   “   i'm  sorry  ,   ”   she  blurts  out  ,  because  really  ,  what  else  is  she  supposed  to  say  to  that  ?

          “   i'm  sorry  ,   ”   she  repeats  ,  like  a  broken  record  .   “   i  really  am  .  i  know  i  fucked  up  so  bad  but  ,   ”   there's  a  pause  ,  a  moment  to  collect  herself  ,  and  a  sudden  realization  that  there  shouldn't  be  a  but  .   “   i'm  sorry  ,  okay  ?  that  was  so  fucking  stupid  of  me  and  i  know  saying  this  probably  wouldn't  make  a  difference  ,  but  fuck  it  ,  darius  .  it's  always  been  you  .  i've  never  loved  anyone  like  i  loved  you  .  i  mean  ,  i  still  fucking  do  ,  but  god  ,  that  doesn't  even  matter  now  ,  right  ?   ”   maybe  she  should  just  shut  the  fuck  up  .   “   you  don't  even  fucking  trust  me  anymore  .   ”

      not that there was much to prepare for, darius just didn't think they'd speak for awhile. awhile because they'd known each other for so long. he woke up one day and saw his best friend in a different light. for better or for worse. “ when do you think ?  ”   it's hard to not sound as bitter as he does. he shifts uncomfortably: leans onto the wall one second and then stands on his own weight the next. he doesn't make eye contact either. because her eyes, maybe he missed her eyes—dark brown and honey sweet. a part of him is sure she's here to remind him of what's been broken.       there is nothing like knowing someone so well. too well ? there's that prying question: did you go back to him? but it's none of his business and he bites his tongue at the thought. it's unfortunate for him that he knows her crave—the way camille rushes in for the affection, the validation. they're all with their own vices, he just never thought he'd be the one she was trading in. “  well, i didn't want to see you. ”   his family made that much clear. he knew they missed her more than they'd ever admit to him. it took them awhile to get used to her and it took them awhile to move onto the idea of her. “  how— ” he wants to say something snarky, ask her why she cares. but he knew why she cared. “  yeah. ”  darius expels a long sigh. he had practically held his breath since he saw her. then a rare, defeated, “  you hurt me, you know ? you didn't even consider me or what i was—to stay—god, cami, seeing you makes me wonder if i can ever trust anyone again. ” what he wants to say is: everyone could've wronged me but it was never supposed to be you.

          it  would  be  a  lie  to  say  that  camille  isn't  afraid  that  things  would  take  a  turn  for  the  worst  .  she  has  always  known  that  darius  has  a  bit  of  a  temper  ,  but  she's  not  usually  on  the  receiving  end  until  their  break  -  up  ,  in  which  she  rightfully  deserves  in  a  way  .  a  sigh  of  relief  escapes  from  her  as  the  tall  guy  eventually  retreats  from  the  situation  ,  and  she  follows  him  to  the  side  of  the  building  ,  somehow  feeling  a  bit  antsy  now  that  it's  just  the  two  of  them  here  .  at  his  question  ,  camille  opens  her  mouth  to  say  something  ,  but  she  couldn't  seem  to  find  the  right  words   ——   their  relationship  has  already  reached  rock  bottom  at  this  point  ,  and  yet  a  small  part  of  her  still  believes  that  she  could  save  this  ,  whatever's  left  of  them  ,  anything  .

          “   i  didn't  know  you  smoke  ,   ”   comes  out  her  response  ,  eyes  glued  to  the  cigarette  in  between  his  lips  ,  momentarily  catches  herself  staring  for  a  second  before  she  finally  looks  away  .   “   when  did  that  even  happen  ?   ”   she  could  probably  tell  ,  knowing  that  she  too  has  been  indulging  in  some  new  bad  habits  since  the  last  time  they  saw  each  other  .  she  lets  out  a  scoff  ,   “   seriously  ,  darius  ?  do  you  think  that's  what  this  is  all  about  ?  me  trying  to  get  back  my  things  ?  i  don't  even  care  about  them  .  i  just  want  a  fucking  excuse  to  see  you  .   ”   this  is  so  pathetic  ,  she  knows  ,  but  she'd  be  damned  if  she  doesn't  take  this  chance  to  talk  to  him  now  that  he's  here  .   “   i  heard  that  you're  coming  back  to  new  york  .  is  that  true  ?   ”

     old habits die hard. at least it's what his friends throw out whenever darius finds himself some trouble. it's the first time he's been back in months and he hears: ' the prodigal son returns. ' it's enough of a reason for him to shove his shoulders up against the other. textbook barfight: the force is enough to knock the stranger over a neighboring table, their friends gather, the two are idly held back. see, he heard that tone right. or wrong—the youngest suwan had a bone to pick with just about anyone. “  you know me, but who are you ?  ”  on a bad day, he would've done more but it was meant to be a good night. the following happens simultaneously: he looks over at his friends, notices their confusion, and he hears a familiar voice. camille addario is always going to be the last person darius would like to see. at some point they all thought the two would run as suwan-addario. he's disappointed (read: hurt—it's like reopening wounds he thought had closed) when he realizes who it is. “  alright,  ”  he decides. “  not worth it.  ”   his friends know him well enough to give him space. “  what do you want ?  ” is what darius leads with. they end up tucked to the side of the building with his lighter struggling against his cigarette. his tone is dry and rugged—practically mumbles the question at her. “  i don't have your things anymore. ”  it's why he ignored her texts about it. “  it's all tossed. what do we have to talk about ? ” because sometimes, words are put together to hurt others.

closed  starter  for  darius  @oiympian setting:  some  bar  in  nyc

          it's  one  of  those  nights  where  camille  goes  pub  crawling  with  some  friends  ,  going  from  one  bar  to  another  and  by  the  time  they  get  into  the  nth  bar  she's  already  starting  to  feel  a  tad  bit  intoxicated  ,  which  is  why  she  almost  couldn't  believe  her  eyes  when  she  spots  him  across  the  room  .  camille  could  recognize  that  tall  figure  anywhere  ,  even  from  the  back  ,  and  once  she  manages  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  his  side  profile  ,  she's  convinced  that  her  gut  is  right   ——   that's  definitely  darius  suwan  ,  and  of  course  he's  in  the  middle  of  the  bar  about  to  fight  somebody  ,  so  camille  stumbles  on  her  way  towards  him  ,  swiftly  places  herself  in  between  the  two  before  she  turns  to  face  darius  ,  hoping  that  her  presence  could  distract  him  from  the  other  guy  .   “   thank  god  i  found  you  ,   ”   she  purrs  ,  followed  by  a  giggle  .   “   it's  a  little  crowded  in  here  ,  don't  you  think  ?   ”   one  hand  tugs  at  his  arm  gently  ,   “   let's  go  somewhere  a  little  more  private  ,  yeah  ?   ”