Curate, connect, and discover
Not My Usual Content - Blog Posts
I shy away from kindness like a stray dog. I need it, I want it, please give it to me, I can be so good- my hackles aren't raised for you, I promise I don't mean to bite, I promise I can be good, see my tail wagging for you? But now you've come too close, and I want you here, but my legs pull me away from the hurt so I promise I'll try again tomorrow. Will you be there too?
Natalia Grace, from a victim of Neglect and Narcissistic Abuse
The case of Natalia Grace hits home incredibly hard for me. It occurred in my home state, in very familiar locations.
She also is only one year older than I am. I grew up parallel to her. And when she was alone in that apartment at age 9, struggling to care for herself because no one ever taught her, I was in the middle of my parents’ horrific divorce also struggling to care for myself because no one was there to teach me.
Comments were made towards me around that time about how I hardly ever brushed my hair, I didn’t take a shower until I was told, I didn’t know I needed a bra, I wore pajamas to school, I never brushed my teeth. And when I heard the neighbors comment about how she smelled and her hair was dirty and she would come into their houses only looking for something to eat, I immediately thought fuck, it’s because she’s a kid! And also disabled, even if she were an adult she can’t fucking care for herself! And the neighbors that thought she was creepy or annoying, I got those comments too. People wanted away from me because at age 9 all I wanted to talk about was Warrior Cats or My Little Pony or Minecraft, nothing else.
The most important lesson I’ve learned in my adult life is that nothing is taught. Everything, common sense and basic self care, everything must be taught to a child. And people who don’t know how to do those things almost always come from neglect or abuse. I suffered neglect. Natalia suffered both.
And when I saw the clip of Michael Barnett interrogating her about the social worker and the donuts, that was eerily similar to the rants my step mom would go on about my dirty laundry or me drinking her orange juice. Abusive Narcissists like to put you down about the stupidest, smallest things. And there’s nothing you can say to stop it, you just have to sit there. When she was sitting in silence, just blinking at him, saying “I don’t know”, I felt that. Because I have been there.
I’ve blocked a lot of what I’ve experienced out, just because that’s what happens when you’re ill. Occasionally I’ll have moments of clarity though, when I remember, oh this horrible thing happened! Or I should know how to do this! And I realize why I don’t. I’m still struggling to keep up with my peers in all areas. I can’t imagine also being beaten, physically punished, abandoned, and then having to see your abusers get away with it. And on top of all that - being physically disabled.
There is no fucking doubt about this. Natalia Grace was born in 2003, proven by genetic evidence and dental records and BY HER BIRTH MOTHER. She was 9 years old when she was left abandoned in that apartment. And Michael Barnett and Kristine Barnett are monsters. I believe that no matter what kind of afterlife exists, they will be punished for what they’ve done.
I’m sorry
I really didn’t want to make this post, but I think I’m going to have to for my own mental and financial health.
I am unable to extend any financial support to any Ukrainians or Palestinians at this moment due to struggling a bit with money and bills. It’s not to the point where I have to post fundraisers, but I can’t spare any cash between said bills and saving for a potential emergency.
I only say this because I’ve been receiving a lot of pleas for help from Palestinian accounts in my messages, and it’s damaging to my own saving ability and finances. I understand that there are direr situations, but I just don’t want to disappoint people in need who are reaching out with legitimate emergencies expecting aid.
I try to keep this blog as a personal archive and safe space for my own achievements and things I’m proud of that I’ve made, so I’ve put off making this post, but I feel it’s gotten to the point where I have to. Again, I apologize for the somewhat entitled behavior here, and I hope those reaching out can understand.
Anyone is free to reblog this if they want to spread it or if they’re in a similar situation, J just wanted to put it out there.