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Personal Stuff - Blog Posts
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Ehhmm, so I like seafood, six days ago I just got new tattoo and I adore hyenas.
Hey Y'all!
I'm searching for a short nickname for my own. It don't have to be a real word or name. If you have something in mind that could fit, feel free to send me a message.
It's just course,,,i'm really struggling with the names/nicknames that i have,,,nothing seems to fit.
Today is a shitty day. First I got middle ear infection, then my neighbor decides,,,hey today would be the perfect day to celebrate a party in the apartment! that's right next to mine. the walls are thin. to thin...with the same damn song ten times in a row..i just want some sleep for somebodys sake!
Today was strange. First horny, then tired, energy boost could not keep my feet still, then I was very sad (crying in thoughts of the coming Christmas, first without my mother) tired again and now empty.
reblog this and tag with a food you no longer have access to (closed restaurant, state you moved away from, ex’s mom’s cooking, etc) that will haunt you until your dying day, mine are the spicy chicken sandwich on the employee menu at the fine dining restaurant I was a prep cook at, and the onion bagel from the kosher place down the street from my house when I lived in the city
it bothers me that you often don't really hear about people having a "favorite album" the way they might have a favorite movie or favorite video game
Just a personal post about my experience on this site
The only social media I’ve ever really used my whole life has been YouTube and Pinterest, and I only joined Tumblr a few months ago because my sibling encouraged me to. The internet has always kind of been an overwhelming place for me; too many people, too many ideas. And I used to get really insecure when interacting with or even perceiving fandom. I struggled a lot with the feeling of “I really love this piece of media/character, and the fact that other people love it too makes me feel like it’s somehow an intrusion upon my profoundly personal connection with this thing” (thankfully I've mostly grown out of that). Online spaces made the world feel too big and me feel too small. Maybe a part of the reason I joined Tumblr was to combat that. I often felt a little like the odd one out in that the internet was never this place of community and connection for me like it is for so many others. I’ve always just felt overwhelmed by it. Now, I’ve curated a nice little corner of the internet for myself, although I do have to keep things in check sometimes and not overwhelm myself through overexposure to content.
Since joining the site and creating this blog, I’ve learned a lot. I have a lot of bad days when I second-guess my wording in every post I make (which I know is silly, because I just make fandom content and random stuff that only a few people will ever see, so the stakes are incredibly low, but anxiety doesn’t care). I have days where the world still feels too big and it's overwhelming to look at posts. But I’ve also begun to learn to express myself more, and that’s vital for me, especially as an autistic person learning to unmask more in my daily life. It feels silly to say that being on this site has been a rollercoaster, but that’s the truth of how I feel. This whole experience has forced me to confront my issues with self-expression, my relationship with external validation and people-pleasing, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and figuring out healthy self-regulation. Again I feel very silly saying all this about Tumblr of all things. But it’s true.
That's not even to mention how freeing and encouraging it has felt to see how shamelessly people express themselves on here. It's a landscape of radical self-expression, fearless passion, and a kind of transparency I haven't really seen anywhere else. As someone who has repressed myself all my life and am doing the work to unmask more... I can only look on in awe. It's nothing short of inspiring and beautiful, in all it's unfiltered, deranged glory. Thank you to all the people who are openly unhinged on here, because it makes this a safe space for everyone else to express themselves, too. I aspire to that.
All this has also shown me that people are much kinder than I always expect them to be. People here listen to what I have to say, and most are so encouraging and welcoming. Having a few mutuals who always at least like my posts makes me feel… seen. Like I exist and someone else cares at least enough to take a second to give a little positivity. (Shout out to my very kind mutuals. You all always brighten my day when we get to chat in the comments. It genuinely means a lot to me). Not to be too vulnerable, but I've always struggled a lot to make friends, and while I may not be there yet, it’s been lovely to connect with anyone at all. Just getting to like and comment on other people’s posts feels like a nice bit of socialization in my day, however small it may be. It's really encouraging. Makes me feel more human, I suppose.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I went outside my comfort zone in joining this site, and really realized that (shockingly) going outside your comfort zone does in fact lead to growth. That is, when you don’t push too far and end up overwhelmed. I’m looking forward to growing more. Making posts about things I care about, or just nonsense. Writing fanfiction. Being feral about bg3 and other art I love. It’s all really been pushing me in a good way. Maybe someone else relates.