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Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Dick and Jason: drunk
Jason: ever notice how Tim glows in the dark.
Dick: huh?
Jason: He glows in the dark! Just look.
Dick: *looks over* woooooah... you're right. It's because he's so pale.
Tim: What are you guys talking about?
Dick: Your pale skin. Don't worry I love pale skin... I love ALL skin.
Jason: Nice save.
Tim: Become Robin they said, gain a family they said...
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Okay, so this one is long. Legit this happened yesterday.
*whole family is going out for dinner*
Tim: *locks the door before leaving the manor* okay, everyone ready to go? I'm starving.
Bruce: Alfred, did you get the house key?
Alfred: ... no master Bruce. You grabbed the car keys, I assumed you grabbed the house keys.
Bruce: oh... well... oops?
Jason: You, Bruce Wayne, Batman, "world's greatest detective", have locked yourself out of your own manor.
Bruce: ...
Jason: *wheeze*
Damian: Drake, look what you did. Not only did you lock us out of the manor, but you have humiliated father!
Tim: wtf, how is this MY fault!?
Damian: tt useless.
Tim:... you little-
Dick: whoa! Let's all calm down! We're all a little hangry and not thinking straight.
Steph: yo, I didn't get my phone. It's in the kitchen.
...
Bruce: *sigh* let me get a sledgehammer.
Alfred: master Bruce, there must be a less destructive way to enter the manor.
Bruce: Alfred, I've spent millions of dollars on our security system. This is the least destructive method.
*leaves to get the sledgehammer*
*a couple minutes later.*
Bruce: how... how did you?
*Cass standing next to the open door*
Cass: credit card!
Jason: million dollar security system my ass.
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Steph: *playing Fortnite* Sheeeeeeeesh
Tim: Do that again and I'll chuck this Cookie Butter Latte at your head.
Steph: Try me b*tch
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Dick: hey, you want to go get Starbucks
Jason: Sur-
*loud footsteps sprinting down the hallway*
Tim: *slides around corner* CoFfEe?!
*silence*
Damian: you need professional help.
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Damian: *walks into Tim's room. Turns off all the lights and knocks his water bottle off his dresser. Then walks out*
Dick: Awww... he likes you!
Tim: I hate this fucking family.
Okay, but like...
Jason loves to mess with his siblings. That not particularly unique, as most siblings love to annoy each other. Only difference is that Jason is a little shit. Most of his "jokes" involve property damage.
One time he put Tim’s laptop into jello (he watches the office, sue me). Tim loaded all his guns with jolly ranchers in return.
Damian’s katana has been mutilated by Jason several times. It's always washable, but annoying all the same. A perfect example of this is the 'Syrup Incident' in which Jason coated everyone’s favorite weapons in syrup. Dick's sparky sticks were actually damaged by that prank....
The only one who rivals Jason in property damge has got to be Steph. I mean, come one, it's Steph.
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Damian: *gasp* I lost all my progress on Cheese Vikings!
Tim: You're displaying more emotion than you did when I was shot.
Damian: Of course I did, it's Cheese Vikings you uncultured swine.
Part 2 of Batfam Nerf War
Scroll down for part 1. It's not far.
Previously: Tim then builds a team...
The "Tim team" consists of Steph, Duke (reluctantly), and Cass.
It starts out with the four of them ambushing Jason as random times. At one point, Jason has to restrain himself from pulling a real gun on Steph. She has her guns loaded with glitter as a "artistic addition".
Jason eventually loses it and recruits the "big guns". He promises Dick a hug and cashes out a favor from Damian.
The group spends about a week ambushing each other (Tim usually concocted unusually complicated traps). Until Dick's gun malfunctions and accidentally fires on Damian. The teams split into three, the four....
By next week the manor becomes the battle ground of a no-holds free-for-all nerf war.
God help poor Alfred.
Imagine nerf darts, glitter, and batarangs scattered all around the mansion. Alfred just following behind and cleaning up the "bat tornado aftermath".
Somehow, Bruce is completely oblivious to the destruction his children are causing. "It just a harmless game Alfred". Bruce is lucky Alfred loves him.
I'll write part 3 when I'm motivated.
Batfam quotes as things my family has said
Dick: *walks outside without a coat in the middle of winter* oshabooshabrrrrr
Tim: did you just... what the hell was that?
Dick: it's cold...
Tim: and your first reaction is "oshabooshabrrr"?
Batfam quotes as real things I've heard
*standing on one foot with an arm in the air*
Tim: doing flirty things
Jason: THAT'S flirty things?
Tim: *deadpan* I can't flirt
*GASP*
I found the webtoon...
Best day I've had since I discovered they have a legit Ramen shop at the mall.
Everything about this webtoon is amazing.
Go read it.
No, really.
Do it.
Download Webtoon and find the Batman comic, it's not hard to miss.
Batfam Nerf War...
Nerf wars are supposed to be fun! Right?
Usually they are! Until you take a family full of child soldiers, emotional constipation, and trauma; give them toy guns and tell them to go.
You've doomed yourself from the beginning!
Of course no one started this intentionally. It was just supposed to be a... joke.
Jason started it.
Because of course he did!
Saw video of someone rigging a Nerf gun and said "Bitch, I can do better". Jason proceeded to create a Nerf gun that shot Nerf darts like paintball.
Now that he had a demon Nerf gun, he had to test it out. On Tim.
"He won't be THAT pissed off."
Famous fucking last words
Tim gets hit ONCE and then declares war.
Now, I don’t know if anyone knows this about Timothy Drake, but the man is a literal genius. Who decided to use his smarts to create something that would blow Jason’s "weapon of mass annoyance" out of the water.
This man build a custom Nerf gun. That fucker leaves bruises.
Tim then builds a team...
I'll write part two tomorrow!
Don't we all love some chaotic siblings shenanigans at the gala?
Ah! The annual Wayne gala...
Every year, Bruce Wayne attempts to throw a normal gala.
You, know. The kind every other billionaire throws.
But somehow
Somehow
Something weird happens.
Whether Damian lets Batcow into the ballroom, or Steph sets off the sprinkler system, or (God forbid) Jason mixes laxatives into the cake; something always goes wrong.
And. It. Is. Always. His. Kids'. Fault.
It's become a running joke in the media!
"The Wayne Kids at it again!!! Read their latest gala antics below!"
Bruce just wants to jump into that bottomless pit in the Batcave...
Why WHY are his... lovely children like this? Can't they just give him some peace.
Of course not, Dick is sitting on the chandelier and everyone is staring.
Dick waves at him.
He can only stare blankly until Tim comes over and hands him a cup of coffee, Tim holding one himself.
Not really a typical gala drink, but he deserves it. Takes a big drink and almost spits it out. He give Tim and incredulous look.
The coffee is spiked.
He can't tell if it has monster, whisky, or a fucking 5 hour energy in it though.
Tim just shrugs and takes the cup back.
"More for me"
Cass walks over and gives him a pity pat on the shoulder.
God help him.
He loves these kids.
But God help him...
Okay, but like...
Jason Todd coaching a little league team called the Outlaws.
And trying to keep it from literally everyone he knows.
Because he adores these kids, but he knows he'd catch hell if anyone found out.
Tim finds out first.
Of course he does this is Timothy Drake we're talking about.
Jason expects Tim to use this as blackmail. He's surprised when Tim doesn't. Even more surprised when Tim starts showing up for all their games, and becomes the most enthusiastic fan.
Cass follows Tim to a game one day. Gets as invested in these Baseball playing babies as Tim is.
Everything is all fine and dandy for a while... until Damian discovers the team.
Of course being the little demon he is, he forms a plan to destroy the team. "The team is a distraction to Todd and must be eliminated". So the little shit joins the team without Jason’s knowledge. His plan was was to start rumors and divide the team until it fell apart.
Buuuuut, turns out Damian Wayne likes baseball.
So now we have nearly half the wayne family invested in this team of 13 year old baseball players.
No one really knows how Barbara found out. She just started join Tim and Cass for the games.
Steph and Duke start showing up not long after. Showing up with enough snacks to feed a small nation.
The Wayne family turns out to be very enthusiastic... so much so that it makes headlines...
Annnnnnd that's how Dick Grayson joined the group.
And they thought the others were obnoxious...
This grown ass man shows up with a 6 by 2 foot banner that says "GO OUTLAWS" in giant glittery letters. He bring face paint and T-shirts for all the parents. Really he just gets way too into it.
Jason and Damian are mortified...
When Bruce sees the headlines, he thinks it's adorable. Of course he joins in all the shenanigans, just a little less chaotic.
Alfred just sits back and watches. He knew the whole time. He was the one to suggest Jason coach the team in the first place
Continuation
___________________________________
It was rare to get the whole Bat-family together for dinner, but Alfred had insisted. The dining room at Wayne Manor was filled with a chaotic mix of voices, clattering silverware, and the occasional verbal jab. For once, Bruce allowed himself a moment to enjoy it—until Jason leaned back in his chair, grinning like the Joker had just handed him a free pass to Arkham.
“So, Dick,” Jason drawled, raising his voice to cut through the chatter. “You gonna tell everyone about your new best friend?”
Dick, who had been mid-sip of water, choked. “What are you talking about?”
Jason smirked. “Oh, you know. The assassin who broke into your place and decided to play Mom instead of killing you.”
The table fell silent. All eyes turned to Dick, whose face flushed under the scrutiny.
“Wait, what?” Tim blurted, fork frozen halfway to his mouth.
“Oh my god, you weren’t going to tell them, were you?” Jason cackled.
Bruce set his knife down with deliberate precision, fixing Dick with a sharp, unreadable look. “Explain. Now.”
Dick sighed, already regretting this entire evening. “It’s not a big deal—”
“Not a big deal?!” Tim interrupted. “An assassin broke into your home!”
“And didn’t kill me,” Dick pointed out, raising his hands defensively.
“That’s not the win you think it is,” Barbara said, though there was a twitch of amusement at the corner of her mouth.
Stephanie was leaning forward, her eyes gleaming with barely suppressed laughter. “Hold up. Back up. They didn’t kill you, and instead, they… what? Offered to split the rent?”
“They made me breakfast,” Dick admitted reluctantly.
That was it. Stephanie doubled over laughing, pounding the table with her fist. “Oh my god, you charmed an assassin into meal prepping for you!”
Cass, seated beside Barbara, tilted her head and smiled. “They liked you.”
“I wouldn’t say they liked me—”
“They liked you,” Cass repeated, firm but amused.
Damian scoffed, crossing his arms and glaring at Dick. “That’s pathetic, Grayson. Allowing an enemy into your home and—what—offering to feed them?” His lip curled, but there was a faint crease of worry in his brow that didn’t escape Dick’s notice.
“I was tired,” Dick said, exasperated. “And I thought it was one of you!”
“That makes it worse,” Bruce said sharply, his tone cold enough to silence everyone. “You assumed the intruder was family and let your guard down. That could’ve gotten you killed.”
“It didn’t,” Dick said, meeting Bruce’s gaze evenly. “They left a note, and they stocked my fridge. That’s it. I’m fine.”
Bruce’s expression darkened. “I’ll install surveillance in your building tomorrow.”
“Bruce, no—”
“Actually,” Tim interjected, “we should bug the entire block. If they come back, we need to be ready.”
“They bought me groceries, Tim!”
“They were in your apartment,” Tim countered.
“You didn’t even know they were there, did you?” Bruce asked, his voice clipped.
“I was half-asleep!”
Jason was practically crying with laughter at this point. “This is the best thing I’ve heard all year. You, the golden boy, the people’s champion, managed to turn a hired killer into your personal shopper.”
“Technically,” Stephanie added, smirking, “they’re more like a life coach. They stocked your fridge because they felt bad for you.”
“That’s even worse!” Damian snapped, glaring at Dick. “Your incompetence is so obvious that an assassin pitied you.”
“Okay, Damian, I don’t think you’re in a position to lecture me about assassins,” Dick shot back, smirking.
Damian bristled but didn’t respond, his cheeks slightly red.
Barbara leaned back in her chair, shaking her head. “Only you, Dick. Only you could make an assassin reconsider their target because of how pathetically you live.”
Cass giggled softly, nodding. “They care.”
“Exactly!” Dick pointed at Cass. “See? Someone gets it.”
“That’s not a compliment,” Barbara said flatly.
Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering something under his breath about irresponsibility and lapses in judgment.
“Honestly, you’re all overreacting,” Dick said, crossing his arms.
“Overreacting?” Tim repeated. “You didn’t even trace the receipt for the groceries they bought, did you?”
“Nope,” Jason said, answering for him. “Too busy enjoying the eggs, weren’t you, Dickie?”
“For the record,” Dick said loudly, ignoring Jason, “those eggs were excellent.”
Stephanie wheezed. “This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Dick Grayson: Assassins fear him, but also…kind of want to take care of him?”
Bruce sighed heavily. “We’re setting up surveillance.”
“You’re not—”
“We’re setting up surveillance,” Bruce repeated, his tone leaving no room for argument.
Dick groaned, dropping his head into his hands. This was going to haunt him forever.
__________________________________________
Jason had planned to crash at Dick’s place for the night—not that he’d told Dick. He’d gotten in late, his safehouse compromised by some bad intel, and while he could’ve gone anywhere, he’d ended up here. Grayson’s door was always open, whether Jason deserved it or not.
He told himself it was just convenience, but when he walked into the quiet, dark apartment, something felt…off.
The place wasn’t trashed, but Jason’s sharp eyes picked up on the subtle signs of a break-in: the faint scuff marks near the door, the window latch reset just slightly differently than Dick usually left it. His gut twisted. Someone had been here.
“You'd better not be dead Dick,” he muttered under his breath, his grip tightening on the handgun he’d pulled from his jacket. He scanned the apartment quickly, checking corners and closets. Everything was quiet. Too quiet.
Finally, Jason found himself standing in the kitchen. The fridge was humming softly, and the countertops were clear—except for a piece of paper folded neatly and tucked into the gap between the toaster and the coffee maker.
Frowning, Jason holstered his gun and picked it up. The sharp, precise handwriting immediately made his stomach drop. Assassins always had a certain way about them. His gaze skimmed the words, and his initial worry was quickly replaced by incredulity.
> "I was here to deliver a message, but your hospitality caught me off guard. Your fridge was so pathetic it offended me, so I ordered you groceries. Try to survive the next visit. You seem like a stand-up guy. —K"
Jason blinked. Then blinked again.
“What the hell?” he muttered, flipping the note over as if the back might offer some clarification.
He set the note down, opened the fridge, and stared. It was fully stocked—eggs, milk, fresh vegetables, yogurt. The yogurt was even the expensive kind. Jason let out a disbelieving laugh.
“Golden boy, you absolute idiot,” he muttered, shaking his head. The guy could charm just about anyone, but this? An assassin breaking in and deciding to do his grocery shopping instead of his dirty work? That was peak Dick Grayson.
But beneath the humor, Jason couldn’t quite shake his unease. An assassin breaking in to deliver a message was one thing. Leaving a note, making breakfast, and restocking the fridge was another. Who the hell was this person, and why hadn’t Dick called anyone about it?
When Dick finally walked in, fresh from patrol and looking like he’d spent the night dragging himself through a cement mixer, Jason was waiting for him. He sat on the counter, arms crossed, the note note in one hald and a bag of monster munch in the other.
“Hey, Dickie,” Jason called casually, but there was a sharp edge to his voice. “Anything you wanna share with the class?”
Dick froze mid-step. His eyes darted to the note in Jason’s hand, and he groaned. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”
Jason’s lips twitched, his smirk masking his concern. “Oh, don’t worry, I saw it. Read it. Even checked out the fridge. Wanna explain why a professional killer decided to play Gordon Ramsay in your kitchen instead of, you know, killing you?”
Dick sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not what it looks like—”
“Not what it looks like?!” Jason barked, standing up and waving the note. “An assassin broke in here, Grayson. They were probably two seconds away from cutting your throat, and somehow, you convinced them to restock your pantry instead. What the hell, man?”
“They weren’t going to kill me,” Dick said defensively, though the way he avoided Jason’s gaze didn’t help his case.
“You don’t know that!” Jason shot back. “What if this is some weird psychological game? What if they poisoned your milk or something?”
“They didn’t poison my milk, Jay.”
Jason stared at him, jaw clenched, before running a hand through his hair and laughing—a sharp, disbelieving sound. “God, you’re lucky you’re so damn charming, or you’d be dead twenty times over by now.”
Dick tried to hide his sheepish smile. “That’s why you love me.”
Jason glared at him for a moment longer before the smirk broke through. “Yeah, well, someone’s gotta keep you alive. Speaking of, when were you planning on telling everyone else about this little incident?”
“Uh… I wasn't?"
Jason paused and then grinned, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms. “So you're saying Bruce doesn'tknow about this?”
“No.”
“Well, he’s gonna,” Jason said gleefully. “Because there’s no way I’m keeping this to myself.”
“Jason!”
“Relax,” Jason said, smirking. “Think of it as a bonding experience. Bruce will yell at you, Tim will freak out, Damian will call you pathetic, and I’ll be here to laugh through all of it.”
Dick groaned, burying his face in his hands. “You’re the worst.”
Dick Grayson barely registered the creak of his apartment door as he stumbled in, shoulders sagging under the weight of another grueling night. Three jobs and a patrol shift in Blüdhaven would do that to a guy. He kicked off his boots, dragged himself toward the couch, and froze mid-step.
Someone was already here.
For a split second, instinct had him reaching for the escrima sticks he kept stashed near the door. But then he caught the faintest whiff of something familiar—coffee beans? The expensive kind. And the faint rustle of someone shifting in the dark. He relaxed. Probably one of his siblings. Jason liked breaking in unannounced when he was in a mood, Tim treated locks like they were a mere suggestion, and Damien was Damien.
"Tim, if you're raiding my coffee stash again, at least leave some for me this time," Dick grumbled, flopping onto the couch without bothering to look.
Silence.
"Jason? Did you lose your keys, or are you here to eat all my leftovers again?" He paused. "Duke, if that's you, I—okay, actually, no idea why you'd be brooding in the dark, but it's been a long day, so I'm just gonna roll with it."
The silence stretched on, but Dick was too exhausted to care. Whoever it was, they could wait until morning. "Look, I’m on your side. Or, I will be in the morning when I’ve had some sleep." He yawned, dragging himself up off the couch and toward his bedroom. "I’ll make breakfast. We’ll talk then. Pancakes or eggs, your call. Just...try not to trash the place while I’m out, yeah?"
The figure didn’t move, and Dick didn’t wait for an answer. He fell into bed and passed out almost immediately.
---
When Dick woke up, the first thing he noticed was the sunlight streaming through the blinds. The second thing he noticed was the smell of coffee.
He frowned. Coffee? He hadn’t made any.
Dragging himself out of bed, he shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. There, on the counter, was a steaming mug of coffee and a note. Beside the note sat a printed receipt and a bag of fresh groceries.
Dick blinked, reaching for the note first. The handwriting was sharp and precise:
> "Not one of your siblings. Sorry for the confusion. Came to deliver a message, but your ‘brotherly’ assumption and hospitality caught me off guard. Your fridge was so pathetic it offended me, so I ordered you groceries. They should last a week. Try to survive the next visit. You seem like a stand-up guy. —K"
He stared at the note, then at the receipt. The assassin—or whoever they were—had bought him eggs, milk, bread, fresh vegetables, and even a few snacks.
Setting the note aside, Dick opened his fridge. Sure enough, it was freshly stocked. His two protein bars and box of expired cereal were still there, now dwarfed by the bounty of fresh food.
He shook his head, a grin tugging at his lips. “Only me,” he muttered, sipping the coffee. It was good. Better than what he usually bought.
Dick leaned against the counter, rereading the note. Whoever this “K” was, they clearly didn’t know how to keep things impersonal. And while the whole “message from an assassin” thing was technically alarming, he couldn’t help but feel amused.
“I guess I should be worried,” he mused aloud, glancing at the groceries again. “But hey, at least they care about my nutrition.”
It was the weirdest start to a morning he’d had in a while, but for Dick Grayson, that wasn’t saying much.
"I have to be there when he needs me. He forgot to tell me. --Do heroes cry?" - Detective Comics #618 --- 90s Tim Drake Robin run you will always have a special place in my heart <3 <3
I wanna make a toast to Batman, the greatest father four degenerate bastards ever had...
Characters in my style/Always!AU/redesign #3
here part 1, part 2
I made more characters in Always!AU, now we have Jason and Tim!
Alright, to start, I decided to leave Tim with a red mask since I made Dick's blue, it looked much nicer that way, and, like Bruce, Tim has both a cape and wings, in addition to the feathers in his hair like Dick, and yes, I put a piercing in him because yes, look me in the face and dare to say that Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne wouldn't wear at least one piercing.
And then we have Jason. I liked that in his first appearances in Batman comics, Jason was blond, so here it's the same approach. He was blond, but he dyed his hair black when he became Robin. Now that he's grown up, his hair is still very stained from the dye, looking a little brown, and the white streak is still there, strong and firm, because of the Pits. His eyes are a strange mix of blue and green heterochromia that I removed from his ass because I thought it was cool. In addition to the J scar on his cheek, which I think is iconic, I also gave him one on his lip, and one on his neck, which was done by Ra's, not the Joker. Ra's did this to him during his escape from Talia and Damian, I thought the symbolism would be cool, because in canon (yuck) Bruce throws a Batarang at him trying to save the Joker while Jason was in the "revenge" arc and it hits his neck, but here he got the scar from a shuriken thrown by his "grandfather" while he was on an escape back home, back to his family, no revenge in mind, just family.
I'd like to think his wings would be a mix of a bat's structure, but with feathers, like his wings were sewn back together by Bruce after the Joker broke and tore them apart.
Bernard dowd is barbie and Tim drake is Ken and I don't think I need to elaborate it is purely fact
TO ANYONE WHO LOVES THE BATFAM!!
LOOK! LOOK AT THIS! PLEASE GO VOTE!! WE NEED THIS! you can vote on DCCOMICS offical instagram, twitter and webpage!
been thinking about TimKon lately and since ive been apart of Jason Todd Week (even if I've been showing it here really badly 😓), and maybe I'll plan a timkon week for this year?? i checked around and the last time there was one was 2023, i think, and it could be nice with all the timkon stuff thats been floating around lately!
so.
um.
if theres already one in the works, let me know! i havent gotten the dates all set up yet, but i was thinking late July or early August! yknow, to give people time to plan but also enjoy summer for a bit !
Bruce saying "Don't make me call Alfred." Is like the equivalent of a dad saying "Don't make me call your mother." And it's so funny to me 🤣🤣
Hey here's some songs that I think match (, but keep in mind I was reading Angst fics when collecting the songs)
Jason- Mad Hatter Malanie Martinez, Control Halsey, I'm gonna show you crazy Bebe Rexha, Ain't No Rest For The Wicked Cage The Elephant, House Of Memories Panic!At the Disco, I'm Just Your Problem Adventure Time(Bruce), War and Apologize by grandson, Wonderland Caravan Palace and Boy in the Bubble Alec Benjamin
Dick- Sarcasm Get Scared, Favourite color is Blue Robert DeLong, SAD Young Rising Sons, Novocaine and Last of the Real ones by Fall out boy, Lonely Palaye Royale, Wolf in Sheeps Clothing Set it of(id crisis), Shit Bo Burnham(depressed),Burn the House Down AJR, Teeth 5 seconds of summer(SlaDick), Lotta True Crime Penelope Scott(rape, dark), Best Friends grandson, Wake me up and Hey Brother by Avicii, Medicine Artist vs Poet and Victorious Panic! At the Disco
Damian- Bones Imagine Dragons(Robin is magic), If I Killed someone for you Alec Benjamin, parents YUNGBLUD(his perspective/scared of saying he's gay), Love Like You and Here comes a thought Steven Universe,and Immortals Fall out boy(mini SuperBat)
Tim- I'll Sleep when I'm dead Set it off, Crazy=Genius Panic!At the Disco and Two Birds Regina Spektor
Bruce- Teenagers and Welcome to the Black parade by MCR and Wilson(Expensive mistakes) Fall out Boy
There are less songs for Tim and Bruce because I don't know their lore that well or don't listen to music that matches them.
Bruce complaining to Clark: Look EVERY TIME I'm not wearing glasses and am trying to guess which of my dark haired children I'm looking at, it's like playing russian roulette and IT IS russian roulette, because if I get Jason wrong somebody WILL get shot.....
...
...
...
...
And that's why Duke, Barbara and Steph are my favourites.
Another reason why I’m a firm believer in letting Bruce get old is because the idea of him looking and his dark haired children without his glasses on and genuinely not being able to tell them apart is unparalleled
I don't remember whether canon revealed Tim's specific Hit List contingencies or not, I lost that comic book awhile ago.
So I'd like to make shit up and invite people to add to the list. I've said before that I like to imagine that Damian just found the Hit List file and saw himself and immediately went to Nightwing, and I think it'd be funny if the Hit List was actually either A) Tim's customized playlists for everyone or B) the stupidest plans that might work as a mockery of Batman's contingency list.
In this episode I want to focus on option B, what would be on the Stupid Plans List if someone goes evil.
Damian - erase his Cheese Viking saves. Tell him his sketches of Batman are technically furry art. Buy him Robux???
Dick - lead him to Gotham zoo, get him to the elephants. Strategically leave powdered sedatives on ground, hope he licks? Dress as Jaybin, talk him down as hallucination.
Jason - just cut my own throat this time fuck.
Bruce - call Clark. Call Diana.
Cass - aw shit here we go again
Steph - Join. As a treat.
Cassie, Kon, Bart - all else fails, Core Four Suicide Pact 👍
Ra's - tell him I'll be his heir if he wins an MMORPG of my choice. Maybe he'll forget to Lazarus bathe?
This is the chaos I'm here for damnit. I wanna eat this as a long form, slow burn, multi-chapter, identity porn fic because it'd be delicious.
I've had this idea rotating in my head for a while about a specific scenario in a universe where nobody is ever clued in on the fact that the bats are related. They just assume that Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood, Nightwing, and everybody else just coincidentally happens to be Gotham (+Bludhaven) based like Batman is.
Do me a favor and imagine the aftermath of some stage five hall hands on deck crisis where everyone and their team has to gather for debriefing and for medical care. Everybody shows up with their respective teams, Nightwing with his Titans, Red Robin with the old members of YJ, Red Hood with the Outlaws, Batman with the JL ect ect.
Everyone is super tired from the battle and none of them are even given a moment to breathe before Red Hood and Red Robin start beefing on sight. Before anybody can even think to intervene, Nightwing, Orphan, Spoiler, Robin, and Signal join in and they all just start bickering at one another.
Everybody thinks they're about to fight. Like seriously start hashing it out. Thing is, YJ are RR's ride or dies. If RR starts fighting Nightwing then the YJ are gonna fight Nightwing. And then the titans are gonna fight the YJ because those are Nightwing's ride or dies. Same goes for all the teams and their respective leaders.
Everyone looks across the room going, "Am I gonna have to fight you? Man, I don't wanna fight you." They could not wanna fight because of the prior battle, out of respect for their potential opponents, or because they know that opponent would whoop their ass. But they'll still do it because that's their leader.
Eventually all of them stop their bickering, suspending the room in tense silence, as they stare each other down. Everybody is bracing themselves for the first punch and the JL is preparing to break up the fight, but instead the silence is broken by all of the birds turning their heads in one direction and yelling, "Daaaaaaddd!"
The room is dead silent enough that everyone can hear Batman's exhausted sigh echo through the room before it's followed by, "You're all grounded."
I bet he only really had a contingency plan for Damian just as a therapy thing. Like how some people write fanfiction. Everyone else's plans was the equivalent of "meme on them", "join them", or "pretend I'm Batman trying to talk Superman out of mind control (again) (wear chapstick, this could get gay)"
Tim Drake (1998): I don't make contingency plans because I have friends, unlike Batman who is a friendless loser
Tim Drake (2009): My contingency plans have contingency plans
How do you reach into my head, rummage around amongst all those feelings and words and connections, and you get it and you can put it out there into the world clearly?!
Hi, I love how you word things. 👍 It's very good and I'm completely normal about this interpretation.
Thinking about the nightmare 90s!Tim has in YJ01...
Tim's kneeling on the sidewalk, gawking in horror at his hand. His wrist is wrapped with bandages, and his hand has been replaced with a batarang.
His actual hand, glove, and all have fallen off, swarmed by the killer cockroaches of Gotham's streets.
Young Justice 1998 01
Idk, I can't stop thinking about how part of him is replaced with something Batman made, honed, and curated for efficiency and vigilanteism.
A part of Tim is just laying there... swarmed and consumed by the unkillable vermin of Gotham streets.
Here it is again; Tim's fear of slowly becoming someone that he isn't. Becoming a tool and a weapon, less human and more machine.
And then there's Batman in this nightmare. Standing tall, ready to move on... nonchalantly asking Tim to grow a beard so he can make a personal use of his shiny new appendage.
But it's the,
Don't worry, Robin... No one will notice.
that's just smacking me across the face.
A part of Tim is dead and gone, but dont worry, kid! No one's gonna care enough to notice! (This is not a dig towards Tim's parents btw. Ill talk abt the Drakes in a different post.)
Batman brushes off Tim's horror—when lil bro's literally choking with horror—with an assurance that everything that Tim's afraid of will come true and, hey! it isnt a big deal.
Of course, this is Tim's nightmare view of Batman and not a characterization on Bruce, but it's just another example of how Tim sees Batman as a symbol that has consumed Bruce. (So, also not a dig towards Bruce, btw. He gets his own post later, too)
Since Tim's first few appearances, he's been terrified of becoming consumed by justice (?), vengeance, and vigilanteism.
Between his visceral fear at the comfort/hug from Bruce when his mom died, to a different nightmare featuring nightwing, to this nightmare, to rejecting comfort from Bruce at Steph's funeral, to hating Robin and himself after his father's death, and faking an uncle to get away from Batman??
It just shows how terrified he is of becoming someone he isnt...
And this nightmare in particular adds this: he's afraid no one will notice.
Young Justice 1998 01
It makes sense how his attempts to try and prevent the erasure of who he is would slowly escalate with every death. And with so many other heroes just... coming back... and coming back the same or even "close enough"?
It's easy to reach the point of rejecting death entirely. (am i side eyeing people who compare his reactions to certain people's death as a valid measure to who's more important to him? Maybe. Thats a different post tho)
Anyway. Fast forward like 3ish years later...
Red Robin 2009 01
Haha. I love self fulfilling prophecies.
Every time I see someone complain about Red Robin's design, specifically his cowl, and that it's ugly and makes him look old...
Honey, This bitch has no spleen? He is planning ahead for his sick days when one of the other bats has to dress up as him. The cowl will be useful. And it's probably got at least a little protection and padding, which is a good thing.
I want y'all to remember how goofy Bruce looked in Nightwing's uniform when he pulled body-double duty for Dick. The dude was noble, but he was not serving Nightwing.
(Plus, can Bernard can wear it and they can have a sex scandal to distract people at any point in time)