Relationship - Blog Posts

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Tw: vent

I got played and I feel kinda stupid now. I wasted a year and a half that I'll never get back.

It was my first relationship and I had to finally end it after he ruined my fun on my birthday and made me cry. I saw the red flags every step of the way, but he got upset everytime I got a little suspicious of what he was doing or how he was treating me.

He tried to get me to trust him as quickly as possible, and I kind of felt like he was manipulating me the whole time, but he kept reassuring me that he wasn't like the people who'd done it to me before.

I kept giving him chances, though. I didn't want my parents to be right about me being naive and him being a douche, because I knew I would be the butt of so many jokes. I just wanted to protect myself from pain and shame, but it just led to me taking shots from every possible angle.

I couldn't even ask them for relationship advice, because I felt like I couldn't tell them about it.

"You can tell us anything. If you need help, just ask."

I learned the hard way that I should tell them as little as possible, so I just kind of had to deal with this alone for the most part. I only know maybe one person I could talk to about it, but neither of us had ever had partners before so there wasn't much that could be done, other than giving an unbiased opinion and moral support.

I just feel so stupid after being gaslit for so long. It should've been so much easier to break away. I can spot gaslighting so easily since I've been experiencing it for so long, but he kept making excuses and either talking his way out of it or ignoring me for days on end.

A year and a half and I know very little about him.

He proposed to me in a discord call last August.

Maybe I was right from the start. Maybe it really was too good to be true and he never actually cared that much about me.

Tw: vent

Im going to scream. I hate the beginning of relationships. I want to skip to the middle. I want to be able to sit in silence with each other or not talk for a few days and still pick up where we left off.

I hope I make it to that point in this relationship since it's my first on but I keep messing up. I'm always the one who messes up and has to apologize.

I sent a fucking poem, deleted like three times and then sent it again. I'm going to fucking scream. He told me not to send it if I'm just going to delete it and we're both adults. I'm fucking embarrassed. Why did I think it was a good idea?

It was hours ago and he hasn't responded. I'm literally crying over this. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I've a good partner? Why are relationships hard? I want to scream.

We were already having issues because of me and I just continue to screw up and make things worse. What if he thinks I'm ignoring him? I'm 99% sure he's going to get sick of my bullshit and be done with me any minute. He's forgiven me so many time already.

Am I even cut out for relationships this point? Am I sabotaging myself subconsciously? I don't even know and I can't go to therapy because its expensive.

Has anyone else ever been PAINFULLY lonely for so long, only to finally have a relationship and realize you don't know what you're doing? Like you've never done this before, and you have no idea how to navigate it but you're doing your best and treating it like a newborn made of glass because you don't want to be heartbroken. First relationship ever. I'm an adult and I met this man at work. Work is wearing me out, but the more tired I get, and the longer I work there, the harder it gets for me to act normal. I can feel myself acting the way I did in middle school and no one is going to like it. I'm also clingy as hell and I want to be soft with him but I don't know if he'd like that. Idk what a relationship should be like and it's intimidating.

God made us just enough the same and just enough different