Self Awareness - Blog Posts

Always wanted to become something, couldn't due to bad decisions so chose a different career path. And now I have 40 something different things I'm trying to fill that void, I hope as an adult my perception changes or maybe after I'm done w some of em, until then, I'll try my best 👾

“I am more myself today than I was yesterday. I will be more myself tomorrow than I am today.”

- maple 🎀😘

“Dying is an art,like everything else.

I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.”

What is a candle turned wax?

It has one fixed shape,its life has been drained and it is useless.

Nevertheless I can’t help viewing it as an object which still has much to give.

Yes,it has completed it’s life’s task;

Thus,hasn’t it been freed from the burden of needing a purpose?

Shapeless,vacuous,mutilated,yet—

free

As I sit here,staring at a newly lit candle,I can’t help seeing my life being mirrored in the flame.

It is not burning,it’s living.

Somewhat pliable,though it still holds its shape.

Much like myself,really.

I can bend myself to my own will,yet I am subject to the still air that engulfs me.

Am I living my life,or is my life living me?

Devoid of purpose,I grasp at the slightest shift taking place in my life.

My life-long friend has come to check on me.

It has never once left me,only side-stepped so as to witness how I would fare with knowing him gone.

It will forever be bound to me,and I to him.

A life-long friendship bringing excruciating pain in my bones,in my flesh,a drought that cannot be recovered from.

I am yours,and you are mine.

I regret our meeting as much as I treasure it.

Am I offering you a worthy companionship?

Drifting apart and sitting on the sidelines may be a good change.

They always say we will value the most what we had but ended up losing,don’t they?

Let’s put a seal on our friendship,celebrating our reunion and promising for it to be the last in a long time.

Like a candle

set aside in wait;

Etiolated,

no more than ornamental.

Its life comes to a stand still.

No purpose,

yet—

hopeful.

The true flames

erase time.

They engulf the deepest of feelings

one can conceive.

Defying common laws,

negativity

turns into bright flames.

Scorching hot...

...happiness?

Blinded by reason

follow the heat

slowly abating in corners of your body.

There,

lies truth.

There,

lie your answers.

Happiness is not far away.

In a world

it all came to a halt.

Unbreathing,

disrupted time,

it can no longer flow.

In this world

we are alone,

grasping,

pushing,

climbing—

falling—

Or are we?

Thus we wonder

“what is life?”

In my world

I begin clutching at my chest,

sheltering my heart,

wishing to live

one more day.

Here I hide,

running from what,

you say?

All.

All that breathes

while I cannot.

All that feels,

while I bear its weight.

All that smiles,

for I do not know how.

03/25/2021+03/26/2021

The unconscious act of clinging to one’s tangible emotions removes all possibility of these coming into existence.

The backwards law plays a paramount role in these cases.

Trying to draw out something,which not even the owner can feel on command is foolish.

It’s like stomping on the ground and then start fishing,meanwhile believing to go home with a handful of goods.

To actually be able to accomplish what you set out to do,you have to immerse yourself in the environment and follow where the current brings you.

Then,and only then,the reward will come to you.

The focus should not be one’s own emotions,and therefore not even themselves as a person.

Shifting it on a purpose beside that which has been the constant object of such attention,would prove benefiting for the primary objective itself.

For one to receive love,they must first know how it would feel before being able to open the doors to it.

By bestowing close ones with your own small acts of love,each in their different shape,will open the one-sided path of love.

Do not covet from others what you have never given to them.

02/28/2021

A person’s actions may be a result of careful thinking;

they may be a wim based on precursor principles and ideas,

although they might just as well be without a meaning.

A shell.Or not?

A wall.Or not?

Ensuring the groundwork behind every action should be the first priority.

None can be commenced whenever it is missing the meaning that should be conveyed.

However fundamental I regard this notion to be,not many do so nowadays.

Therefore I am left wandering about whether the meaning I see is real or made-up by my own beliefs,thoughts and needs.

Humans can be rather imaginative when it comes to deciphering the smallest of actions.

Nothing is almost ever delivered in its integrity,

May it be for fear of giving away the true meaning and reason they formed in their minds;

Or for a specifically intended reason,which,for all intents and purposes,is intangible.

02/27/2021

It feels warm inside.

Like a boiling well that makes you feel fuzzy;

Its water ascends so as to reach the furthest parts of the body.

Its heaviness is counteracted by how lightweight the body feels.

It reminds me of the aftereffects of getting drunk.

"What cannot be said will be wept"

~Sappho

Saying the truth aloud could free me from this burden.Or will it not?

It's all new to me,what I'm feeling does not fall under any of the categories I've explored so far. I've fallen in a deep calm, like a lake without shores.

All I've collected in my life so far surrounds me.

I can't tell its purpose.

It does not feel as if it's trying to drown me,or even coaxing me into drowning myself.

It's distracting and compelling.

A friend told me something which is not far from the truth.The lake promptly absorbed it,and I could not see the end of what its raw form meant to me,not as I would've intended to.

It all weighs heavy on my soul.

I'm transitioning from my self-created alter ago to what I believe is my true self.

Is it hurting?I can't tell.

True pain does not feel as this does.

Maybe I'm not in pain.

It's not an option I can exclude.

Let's wait and see how this longed metamorphosis will take place.

2021/19/01

"Un solo sguardo e tutto è finito lí"

~Lacrime dal Cielo

There are two thing you can't fake or hide: the look in your eyes and your heartbeat.

May it be because they are connected to your spiritual self or because of a scientifically proven phenomenon,the true you knows that they will always be true.

They are truths that do not need to be proven.

They can't be concealed and you can't stop them from being conveyed to others.

It flows through that thin connection that surrounds us all and does not pass unobserved.

This allows you to let your trust reside in someone.

To let your emotions run freely.

To give it your all.

People are not made up of only one self,unfortunately.

As much as those things are true,they reflect the true essence and feelings of only one of their selves.

Their others selves are not obliged to uphold those truths.

Believe in them and believe in yourself as well. Good will surely come from it.

2021/08/01

Start,start,start...where to start....

The vibe around me has changed since the New Years.

Being aware of oneself is hard although seemingly doable as far as I've tried.Nonetheless,being aware of the people around you as well as everything that comes with the everyday life is not a joke.

Empathy makes part of it seem right,despite how much hurt I feel afterwards.

It's so tiring honestly.

The good thing turned to be that I actually accomplished the most important (almost everything) goals that I had set for myself in 2020.I'm a new person as a result of that.

There's still so much going on but my giddiness is obfuscating every thought.

Well,looks like I'll have something to ponder over the next month.

2021/01/06

This quarantine might be the best thing to ever happen for some people. I actually had a friend who told me recently how much this quarantine is changing his perspective. He’s realizing how repetitive work is and truly there is so much more to a 9 - 5 life. I was super happy to hear him say it!