Curate, connect, and discover
Namely because I grew up not seeing it done in my own family so assumed I wouldn't ever be able afford to, or that was a class rule thing that I wasn't allowed to break lest I be perceived as a social climber or inadvertently saying I'm better than my peers.
Yay my Autistic black and white logic.
Since coming to these realizations, whole new levels of joy have opened up in my life.
(In no particular order)
I’m honestly not sure what made me think I couldn’t trim my nails so they were all the same length. I grew up seeing adult women in my circle have uneven nails on their hands vs posh women with professionally manicured hands so maybe my mind just made the correlation. I always thought that the even nails were so elegant and wished my could be even too, but the women in my family didn’t care about manicures, and to be fair, I didn’t and still don’t like wearing nail polish, so even if I had worked up the nerve to ask for a manicure, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it.
But then one day when I was in my teens, I randomly, from the corner of my eye, watched a bit of some tween animated show (maybe Bratz?) and one of the girls broke a nail and then went on about how now she was going to have to trim all the other ones to match. And my mind was blown.
I realized then that having my nails all different lengths upset me. It didn’t matter if one or two of them had grown in very nicely if they didn’t match the rest. In fact, I was perfectly happy with them all being trimmed to the nubs if it meant they were all the same length.
I still have yet to get a professional manicure and I still don’t like painting my nails. I tend to keep my nails fairly short because I do martial arts and bake and gardening so having them short is practical. And having them all even makes me happier than a few of them looking elegant.
As a teen and into my twenties, my bras never matched my underwear. Because I was raised on the kind of underwear you get in large packs. My mother openly scoffed at the pantie displays, saying pantie was such a vulgar term, and from the media it seemed wearing matching sets of underwear was reserved for “the bedroom”. Whenever I passed by a Victoria’s Secret, I’d see the piles of lace and my good Christian girl brainwashing had me roll my eyes and tell myself that I was better than the uncouth masses for not wearing such highly sensual underwear since obviously one only wore it if one was expecting to have intercourse with a man.
And then I discovered matching socks weren’t just a fashion statement limited to men.
Socks growing up had also followed the same rule as purchasing underwear - cheap and in bulk. But then I got several ballet flats and realized my normal socks were not going to go well so I got several pairs of cute floral socks to match with my outfits.
I also had been going to therapy recently and had started lifestyle changes like going to taekwondo three times a week and incorporating more healthy foods into my diet (I’m still pretty picky because most healthy foods aren’t safe foods for me, but smaller changes like using 100% whole wheat bread and drinking 2% milk have helped a lot).
Long story short, I was feeling more positive and comfortable and confident in my body and treated myself to some new clothes. Because I had also discovered Torrid - a clothing store that designs clothes specifically for women like me.
And after get a new wardrobe, the likes of which I never thought I’d get to have because all the cute clothes everywhere were too small for me, I realized I didn’t need a reason besides wanting to feel pretty to buy matching underwear sets. And to have enough to last me two weeks without repeating!
I’m such a visual person and it took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Sometimes I just open the special drawer where I keep all my pretty underwear and admire them.
By now the visual theme is well established. Stimming for neurodivergent people can take on my forms through the various senses - it’s not just limited to “flapping”. Visual stimming is my biggest stim. Nothing makes me happier than staring at beauty.
My bedroom has always been my sanctuary, especially growing up. We moved 8 times my first 18 years and my mom, being the artist that she is, tried to make the transitions easier by letting us pick a new theme for our rooms every time we moved.
The rest of the house outside my bedroom never seemed to have a theme. It was the 90s-2000s and if you don’t know the aesthetic for that time period consider yourself lucky. My parents also collected things from the places we moved and the trips we had gone on, so the rest of the house looked pretty chaotic to me (especially since in my room everything had to have a place and god forbid a single pillow was out of place).
I didn’t stay long enough in my first two apartments to put any effort into them (first one was while working as a teacher in Japan and the second was when I was in grad school). But when I got my first real job and my first real apartment, that’s when I realized I could decorate however I wanted to (because I was starting from scratch).
It took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me in each of the rooms. Obviously I couldn’t spend massive amounts of money, but with a little creativity I managed to cultivate spaces that made me happy.
My kitchen is very Japanese inspired - white base with sage green accents, bamboo blond pieces, and black or white appliances. My bathroom is white with navy colored middle eastern inspired accents. My study is white, blue, yellow, and green, the focal point being from a large Ghibli Castle in the Sky mural. And my bedroom is cottagecore fairytale with a base palette of white, green, yellow, red, and dark woods.
For the final visual theme, ART. Growing up, my mom was a freelance artist. Our home was decorated with pieces she had made herself. From osmosis, I assumed either you were rich enough to buy original pieces, you were creative enough to make your own, or your were neither and were reduced to the cheap mass produced pieces one bought at hobby stores.
I inherited my mother’s talent for art and felt I couldn’t hang up anything on my own walls unless I had made it myself. Because why by someone else’s work when I could make my own?
But this was a problem because what I made didn’t always seem good enough for me to stare at it for hours and that would just make me grumpy.
And then I discovered that a lot of my favorite digital artists had shops. And from those shops, you could order prints.
And I realized buying prints was actually a very important thing to do, because it was supporting a freelance artist, like my mom had been. And what could be better than that? Plus I got to have beautiful pieces hanging in my place for me to stare at and visually stim to.
For years my mother has pointed out that I have expensive taste. For some reason I tend to gravitate towards the priciest items without even knowing how expensive they are. She also has a tendency to tell me I’m terrible with money (though living on my own without going into debt for over 10 years now should have proved to her and myself that that isn’t true).
Naturally this evolved into a strange complex of me thinking I didn’t deserve to buy name brand products.
And then I discovered Torrid (which by my upbringing is a name brand), and threw caution to the wind to buy clothes that I loved despite them not being on sale (though I still waited for sales and used discounts whenever possible).
And then I heard a rumor that Mazda wasn’t going to be making the Mazda3 model that I was in love with (because so many things about it from the color to the chassis reminded me of my favorite transformer, TFP Knockout). My old car was starting to break down and I decided I had saved enough for a new car (because it seemed getting a house where I lived would never happen anyway), and I bought my brand new dream car.
I know Mazda and Torrid probably aren’t considered high end name brands by posh people, but to me they are. Because growing up my clothes came from thrift stores or Walmart or from the sales racks at Kohls. I was never allowed to buy anything new at full price. When my family got new cars, the old ones had to be dead and the new ones were purchased for their practicality, not their looks.
My parents kept a tight leash on their finances. Both came from poorer families that had to make hard decisions and be creative to get by at times. And I appreciate the money saving tips they gave me.
But this is my life, and I need to find and make my own happiness. That doesn’t mean buying whatever I want whenever I want, but it also means not denying myself little luxuries because I don’t think I deserve them.