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💭;; Tori Speaks - Blog Posts
My meds have been adjusted, and this is day three on the new dose. I am not doing well. We don't know if my body is metabolizing them, so this is doubling the dose to see if it takes. I am dissociating and I feel stuck in a dream. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to cry.
When my husband comes to bed, he makes little noises and inches back into me until I scratch his head lightly to relax him.
It's the little things. I love them.
Blessed Belly Touch for a good week.
Allergies are kicking my butt. I feel TERRIBLE. My eyes are dry and burning, even after I use eye drops, my nose is BLEEDING from the number of times I've wiped it and blown it, and my throat feels gross... sob. I love spring but THE POLLEN.
My beloved cares not that it storms outside, only that the pile of blankets is comfy.
Part of me still wants to really get into trying to use makeup, but I have oily skin and makeup feels very expensive, so I always talk myself out of it. I'm not even sure what all you need to have a proper kit?
Any tips?
Finally sat and watched a movie again. The First Omen. Was pretty good, but those graphic birth scenes... wow. As someone who has an aversion to blood, they really got me throwing up over here.
I've seen the original Omen, but maybe I should rewatch it?
I started a project. Picking up the trash around my building and in this dense area where a lot of our little critters hang out. I filled a single trash bag today before I figured out how difficult it’s actually going to be. This picture is after I finished.
I pulled multiple plastic bags and picked up about twenty discarded alcohol bottles from under the leaves.
Gross. I don’t understand how people can think this is okay. I smartly bought gloves to wear beforehand.
I really want to do something meaningful, and I feel like this is a good deed that I am capable of doing. I do want to purchase a rake to better get under the brambles and to scope for any snakes that might be underfoot.
Not to mention the area between buildings. When my neighbors aren’t parked there, I think I’ll go snatch up all the trash in that area. If nothing else, it’ll make me feel better.
I know this is kind of a medium project that could be done easily with more people, but I don’t have any local friends to recruit. After this, I might start walking the neighborhood to pick up trash off the side of the road.
Anyway, I’m proud of myself for this. Even if I only did one bag, it’s a start to make a difference.
I bought my first houseplants in 5 years today! I am so excited to finally have some nature in my home!
In a month or so, I’d like to get some lavender and cat grass. I’m going to have to stop impulse shopping from today forward. It’ll be good for me.
I use the Finch app because it's cute and helps me get things done, but my Finch just discovered Mondays and geez... imagine not knowing what a Monday was.
The banana nut bread was successful, btw! Was very yummy and was my first "bread" recipe. Going to try sourdough, next. What a huge leap.
My husband is ill and there's nothing more I can do for him, so my mania is taking over. I've done the quiet clean ups and retried making banana nut bread with this recipe. The first time I made it I had a dumb and forgot flour... you know, the main ingredient in bread. I need more hobbies that keep my hands busy because when I run out of chores, my manic episode worsens, and I feel as though I want to crawl out of my skin and scream.
Bipolar really is something.
My husband is ill and there's nothing more I can do for him, so my mania is taking over. I've done the quiet clean ups and retried making banana nut bread with this recipe. The first time I made it I had a dumb and forgot flour... you know, the main ingredient in bread. I need more hobbies that keep my hands busy because when I run out of chores, my manic episode worsens, and I feel as though I want to crawl out of my skin and scream.
Bipolar really is something.
While I feel good at the start of my day, it always begins to slow down, and the weight of depression settles in. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything and even if I do get it done, I feel as though I haven't done enough and have to keep going. I have to do a lot to feel I accomplished anything and by then I'm overwhelmed mentally. It's not a good feeling.
I don't understand why we can't have a Monster Hunter where we can just run around in the same environment and hang out. Why we can't just be bros and maybe see one another while we're doing other things. Explain.
In watching a video about photography, as I would like to learn and I'm using my phone to do so, it was mentioned by the host that photographers are often compliment with a statement similar to, "Wow, that's a nice photo! You must have a great camera."
Never, in my life, have I thought about the quality of someone's tool assisting their work. Honestly! It might be because I grew up drawing and later writing and doing digital art, but I never thought to tell anyone, "Wow! Your artwork is gorgeous! You must have a great paintbrush!"
That's so odd, to me. People have been creating art with literal trash and I believe it's all dependent on skill. It's just interesting to learn that people bring up the quality of someone's tool in a compliment.
Artists: Have you been told a similar thing? How did it make you feel? Have you ever told someone else that?
Another successful walk today. The weather was gorgeous and there were so many people out! I didn't talk to any of them (I complimented one's dress), but it was nice to just be around them. I also saw a naked squirrel (might be a rat, but it was running with a bunch of other squirrels) and how nature can't be stopped from going where it wants to go.
I bought a scale, as well. I am now below 260 lbs and I am so excited! I am slowly getting to a healthy weight and getting away from diabetes. I know it's only been two walks, but I have to stay motivated, so sharing these moments feels good.
Remember, only you can make changes for yourself.
i will love you in every life. (threatening)
I am quickly getting bored of webtoons... I understand building your story, but there's only so many twists and turns I can take before throwing up. I'm considering turning off the ride...
"I think I'll do some drawing today!"
Cat:
I keep having this weird dream.
No this isn't a Kingdom Hearts fanfic.
I dream about being in a house with other people, who I can't name or recognize, but apparently, I know them. The house is never the same layout, but there is always one room that's pitch black and where I say the "witch" lives.
No one can go in there or you'll provoke her. You have to keep away from the door or she'll start coming out of the room.
It's unsettling and there's always some reason I have to go near the room. The room is a basement next to the laundry room where I'm supposed to do laundry. The room is right across from a bedroom I need to go into. The room is halfway up some stairs I need to ascend to get where I'm going.
I wake up feeling tension in my chest and unease. I'm not sure what it is, but this thing has been haunting me for about two weeks now. I don't like it.
youtuber finishes talking
me: mhm yeah
Time to overshare!
Therapy was a bit rough today, but I made it and I have goals to achieve. I'm keeping my head up.
Also considering joining a gym...
I love how MH:W has been me and my girl crew saving the world. Erik included.
70 F outside with a soft breeze. It's a beautiful day and all I wanted to do was sit in my front yard and exist.
So, I did. I quietly existed on the ground for about 20 minutes, just allowing myself to be. It was refreshing, comforting, and I felt that everything was going to get better.
February has been a rough month with lots of ups and downs in my mind. I know it hasn't been terrible, but my anxiety and depression have created this image of failure in my mind. I was ill over my birthday, I didn't do anything romantic for my husband over valentine's, I wasn't able to take part in the simple photography challenge I set up for myself because I just wasn't motivated.
This all gathered up inside and makes me feel as though I wasted February. Winter should be about rest - the calm, silent season before the colorful rebirth of nature. I think I'm ready for spring.
I think I have sat still long enough that I am simply wallowing in the quiet and unable to relax. I live in a state of anxiety, so it's difficult, but I am ready for life. I'm ready to live.
I need to stay positive, to stay motivated, to allow myself to take days off to simply exist, but I want so much to enjoy the world around me and feel connected to it.
I'm optimistic.
me: i love songs that are deep, hold meaning, tell a story, create elaborate images in my mind and move my heart while making me consider my own existence.
also me:
the late night urge to try and organize your tumblr...
i am finally exposing myself to nier lore and oh my god i am so sad
in horror games, i always want to stop and look at what's chasing me because i love monster designs, but this usually means death
which is telling that i would not survive an attack irl