💭;; Tori Speaks - Blog Posts

boy am i glad that small white dot on my face no one would've mentioned is now a swollen red splotch that can't be hidden

Dear nerds, geeks, and fandoms,

It's my birthday, so would you please show & tell the pets you've named after your favorite character, show, book, or game?

I have two, creatively named by my husband.

Haun, named after Huan the great Wolfhound of Middle Earth. We had to adjust the spelling because people kept calling him Juan... And Rahir, which is a rough Quenya translation of "Lost and Found". Since he was a stray, it was very fitting.

Please enjoy tummies.

🥳It's my birthday!

Hey millennials...

Now what we aren't going to do is send anyone hate for what fandom they grew up in. We love media that helps us grow and learn. We were children.

me: Oh, it's just a horror anime. I'll just power through it to see if it's really worth all this hype I've seen about it.

me, ugly sobbing: Oh mY GoD

Valentine's Day? Spend the night watching Frieren with my husband saying "oh I'm gonna use that. oh i love that character. oh no i'm crying. oh no i can't stop laughing. oh no the animation looks good there."

“How can you enjoy horror?! How can you enjoy feeling fear and anxiety? What's wrong with you?”

I came across a video discussing this and it really made me think about myself, a horror fan who delves deep into the genre and loves to explore the different subgenres. But why do I enjoy it so much? Why do I prefer to sit in a state of anxiety and fear and watch others suffer?

The general answer would be: Because I am comfortable in that state. Those feelings I have lived within for most of my life, and it is where I feel most ‘safe’ in a sense. I feel that a lot of people can relate to horror in various ways.

Why?

Trauma. It all relates to the trauma I have endured from a very early age. Horror gives me various ways of sitting in these emotions and processing them. Even the different subgenres offer me different points of views and thoughts on how to approach these feelings and release them. No, I’m not talking about acting upon violence, because that’s just a very small part of horror.

Body horror is my favorite subgenre. The drastic metamorphosis of the human form turning into something we cannot comprehend - something that is alien to us. The suffering of being in that form that’s in between reality and the unknown. Struggling to understand it, attacking it because we don’t. I see my own body this way. I have never felt comfortable in my physical body. No, I do not suffer a debilitating disease or suffer the loss of body parts, but when I look at myself in the mirror I wonder, “Is this really what I look like?”

I forget that I do not look like the image I have of myself in my head and being reminded of that makes my stomach feel tight and I feel actual fear. I do not like how I look on the outside. I also do not like knowing what’s on the inside. Blood and gore make me queasy, not only on the screen or in a book, but in reality. The knowledge that my body is filled with fleshy pieces and liquid that can so easily be spilled and lead to my demise is terrifying.

Gothic horror. This one is a bit more subdued. It’s the past versus the present, time leaking into the future. It’s a reminder of how the past affects the present and how, in turn, the present affects the future. My past clings to me, I live in it. I am doing my best to let go, and movies in the subgenre and usually about doing just that. The happy ending of moving on from past trauma, of learning to cope healthily or close a chapter of your life to look forward to the future. This is a subject I desperately try to improve in myself, but this subgenre is where I feel so… understood.

Cosmic horror is so intriguing to me. It makes me dive into analyzing otherworldly subjects, working my mind to try and grasp whatever understanding I can from the horror introduced. It shows humanity struggling against an unknown but overcoming it… or being driven mad. It reminds me what it is to be human; how not understanding everything is terrifying, but real. We are not meant to understand everything, we cannot scientifically break down things and we can either accept that or fight against it.

Humanity’s true hubris is trying to understand the core of the universe, to examine everything in a way that we will have infinite knowledge and pluck at the strings of reality so that we can control it. How we, as a species, crave domination. This subgenre makes me take a step back, realize there are things we should not meddle in, and sometimes we should accept things as they are… lest we see what lies in the mountains of madness.

Paranormal fiction gives me hope. Strange, isn’t it? The idea of ghosts or demons haunting us. Thinking that we could be tormented by an entity that lives beside us that we only need to give an ounce of attention to. So why does it fill me with faith? Because I feel so alone. Not only due to my schedule of being someone who is only active over the evening and night, but because I have a habit of isolating myself due to my intense fear of abandonment. The paranormal is unseen right next to us and, as much as I don’t believe in spirits, heaven, or hell, a part of me does hope that maybe those I have lost are still here.

That I am not sitting here alone at my computer. Perhaps a phantom stands with me, watching me in intrigue of this new technology they cannot understand. Maybe a specter paces the hallway, reliving a certain moment in their lives over and over again, not knowing that I am here… but they are present. Is there a fiend wrapped around my shoulders, damning me throughout the day by placing me in difficult situations and causing havoc around me? Well, they’re dealing with my annoying optimism and having to listen to me break down, too. If they felt joy about it, I’m sure they would be tired of it by now. We’re just nagging each other at this point. Yet, neither of us would be alone.

It’s about grief.

It’s about self-animosity.

It’s about trauma.

It’s about feeling understood.

I enjoyed the show Stranger Things, for example, because I could relate to the characters. I was a gifted child who was exploited by the authority around me, I never felt that I fit in, and I tried so hard to do so. I was smart, but in turn I was looked down upon and still told I was not by adults. I had special interests but never found friends who shared in those. I was afraid of being alone.

Enjoying horror does not mean there is anything “wrong” with you. It’s a platform for exploring deep emotions, expressing questions we are too afraid to ask, and finding comfort in a way you can understand in a safe place. (By safe, I mean your living room or bed.) I know horror can be dangerous, but it can also be a form of therapy. Writing in the genre allows you to work through uncomfortable emotions, to get your feelings out in a way that doesn’t avoid those emotions.

I do not speak for everyone, and this is about my person views and experiences. I would love to hear the views and stories of others.

I am starting to hate Discord.

It has so many pop ups and so many "features". Discord is over engineering itself. It's no longer a nice simple platform to chat with friends, but instead a constantly moving forum. I hate that I have to join a discord server to get information on something because that's where the information is stored instead of on a forum or just placed on the internet.

It's turning into what everyone hated Skype for. In fact, it's pretty much there.

society tells me to be a boss bitch who makes lots of money

but all i want to be is a soft girl with a nice cup of tea

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

72 F today. It’s beautiful. I felt the need to be barefoot and sit in the grass. I hate being barefoot, but today I needed to ground myself. It feels right. Being outside has always been a joy to me, no matter the weather. I am so glad to live in this beautiful world.

Can we stop "flipping" houses? You're not making it better, you're 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 the poor building. You don't know what you're doing, you're not trained nor a professional. Stop ruining good homes.

I won't let him try the hummus I bought. In fact, I put him on the couch from my desk and this is how he's been for 5 minutes. Every once in a while, he'll turn and stare at me until I look at him, then quickly turn back around to put his back to me again if I do look his way.

I know I'm fat, but GOSH do I want to wear skirts and dresses.

pls just let me play the game. this is on medium settings. i'm going to have to go full low. 😭

when mom says you're an "inside cat" and can't go outside, but she'll go out there and sit for minutes at a time.

Tonight, I let go.

Of all the pain, despair, misery, and images that haunt me on this date. I release them to the wind, to the rain, to the earth and let them become nothing but distant memories of my youth. I move forward holding the love, the warmth, and the joy that those years with you brought me. I will celebrate the life of all of those I hold dear. I will not dwell in death, but I will flourish in the gifts you all gave me.

This day has held me hostage for my entire life, but I felt you today. I felt you in that moment where the rain picked up and you cried with me. I felt your acknowledgement of me, my love, and my promise to surrender my grief. I stood lighter, the world felt brighter- my ears even popped, and I could hear more clearly!

I will carry forward the happiness we created.

I'm so vanilla, but making dinner for myself and my husband feels so rewarding. Him saying how delicious it tastes, just the act of cooking when I slow down and do it mindfully, the outcome of eating something you made. Even something just like mac & cheese.

Enjoy the mundane things.

House of Leaves,

what the fuck

Anyone else ever experience that sudden horror when something loud just goes... silent?

When the constant hum of something making noise just drops?

It's like the air suddenly feels heavy and you're aware of where you are in your body and the space around you all at once.

It's a little frightening.

when you catch yourself sitting at your computer and watching something on your phone because your attention span is so short you didn't even take time to realize you could watch the same video on a bigger screen with better audio.

The desire to pick up art again is boiling over. I just don't know how to approach it. I don't want to do just anime portraits digitally, but I also want to try traditional media. I'm just not sure how to start. I never am. Starting anything is the hardest part for me.

I also want to bake but I am trying to LOSE weight and "healthy" recipes keep having really expensive ingredients???

Worst side quest in the Final Fantasy franchise?

i click one video talking about the old "hidden" areas of vanilla WoW and now i'm diving into nostalgia and crying

I made the decision to finally delete Facebook. Now I just feel guilty for deleting it. Is this part of addiction?

i hate that every game on steam that releases in now marked "early access"

if i am PAYING you for the game, it is not early access. it's a full game. if it's early access, it's a beta and i should not have to pay you $40 for an unfinished product.

It took me too long, but I finally finished The Last Unicorn. I had bought a deluxe edition of the novel which came with an interview and a note from Mister Beagle.

What I didn't expect was the second story that came as an epilogue.

Two Hearts was beautiful, exciting, and the ending of this shorter tale is what finally made me cry.

I felt like a child again reading this book, though I stepped away and kept myself from reading it. I felt like once I read it, the magic of nostalgia would leave. It wouldn't be special to me, anymore. But it was. It truly was.

some of y'all have never read 100 books in one summer to earn a personal pan pizza and it shows

2025 Animal of the Year:

The Snake, of course.

I am born in the year of the Snake. I am an Earth Snake and while the snake gets a bad reputation, it actually stands for so many positive things.

Luck, healing, eternal love, good fortune, protection from harm, personal growth, and the cyclical nature of life and death.

This is the Year of the Wood Snake.

2025 is a year of reflection, recalibration, and renewal, offering a mix of calm energy and intellectual challenges. The Snake’s intuitive wisdom, paired with the nurturing Wood element, creates a time to refine your long-term goals and strengthen personal and professional relationships.

Major Themes:

Transformation: A year for letting go of what no longer serves you and embracing meaningful change.

Strategic Growth: Success will favor those who plan meticulously and act wisely.

Deepening Connections: Introspection and emotional intelligence will help navigate relationships, promoting empathy and understanding.

i miss when houses had character

now everything is gutted and flipped to look like stale white bread

why take the character out of the house? where's the charm? why did you remove all the love that went into it?