💭;; Tori Speaks - Blog Posts

Success doesn't stay in one place.

Some days it's nailing a presentation at work.

Other days it's not yelling at the barista for getting your order wrong.

Success isn't some grand finale. It's the little wins that make your day.

If you're still chasing that one moment where everything falls into place, let that go.

You're the only one who gets to define your success.

Word of the Year for 2025

Transformation.

[noun] 1. change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

(Originally I had chose a different word, but then I realize my goals did not align with that word... so I changed it! I can always change it again, if I need to!)

September of 2024 began my journey of self love, self development, self awareness, and self improvement. I sat down with a journal and a determination to be a better me. To be a me who is true to myself and accepts who I am.

There is so much I have to learn and to work on, so many goals I aim to reach, but I know it will be a process. Perhaps one that never ends. I accept that, because I truly want to be the real me I know I am at my core and I want to express myself to others in honesty and with transparency.

This word means more than just my own transformation. It will apply to how I approach challenges, how I think, how I react, how I live and ultimately the world around me. I will struggle, but I have my wonderful husband at my side and friends who will stick with me through the hard parts.

I look forward to leaving my cocoon and spreading my wings.

Stop living life as if you are on a timeline.

There is not set deadline for success and achievements.

It is okay to wander and take the scenic route.

Life is not a straight line.

Seek Peace, not Praise.

My focus/theme for the year of 2025:

Less is More.

My desire is to focus on being grateful for what I have and trying to break my terrible habit of wanting more. No more window shopping online, no more visiting store sites for "fun", no more tossing something because it has a scratch on it. Unless it is unusable, it will be cherished and used until it can no longer serve its purpose.

This goes for most consumables and long-term purchases. I want to be more purposeful with my purchases - I want to buy things that are good quality and meant to last. I don't want to be persuaded to buy something because it is an "upgrade" to what I already own.

I also want to fix the items I have and learn to repair them instead of simply tossing them without attempting to find out why it isn't working first.

I want to learn to be grateful for the things I have. I want to be more aware of my spending habits and what I already own. I want to be less of a consumer, honestly. In a reasonable matter.

My husband is playing Onimusha Warlords and we just saved a panicked boy from demons - then we give him a life lesson about the world and freedom???

Samanosuke this is not the time to dad on a child you don’t know.

Anyone know a nice app that teaches you a random word or fact daily and an app that gives you positive news?

"I'll set up my new journal!"

My cat:

It is December 26th, 2024 and I have fully filled two journals I've owned since at least 2019. From front to back they are filled with random things that crossed my mind, notes of my interests, and things I never felt safe to share.

I am proud of filling them. Proud they are no longer blank pages. Excited to start in the next.

I have learned so much about myself since I started my journey of self discovery and self love in September. I am such a unique, smart, and thoughtful individual, but I am sure everyone says that about themselves. There's so much I have to learn about myself and so much I want to accomplish. I have to work on how I set and approach goals, but that's a challenge I welcome.

I am starting to slowly understand myself and I am so excited to meet me.

I have never seen Wicked and I've only absorbed what I know through social media and I am under the impression it's a high school drama about two girls dealing with their lesbian feelings for one another. Also they're witches.

Today is difficult. I am not ready for it.

So when Careless Whisper comes on, do we all collectively just make as loud of a sound to mimic the saxophone as possible?

I was reminded that WoW is 20 years old.

I played from 2007 to 2013 then waited to return until Legion and only stayed for the single expansion. I went back with my husband for a month to play this year and it simply... wasn't for me. WoW did not feel the same and I didn't expect it to. The game, the setting, and the players have all changed over the years and I no longer find comfort in Azeroth.

But damn... does watching the old cinematics really make me feel.

that weird insecurity when you're using your windshield wipers on high

So my husband talked me into playing LotRO and... wow. What a pretty game for it's age and it's so chill and relaxed. I rolled an Elf Loremaster and character creation was pretty fun. Kind of wish FFXIV had a few sliders...

Anyway, I think it'll be my slow down and just enjoy the vibe game. I mean, I'm only level 6 but... you know.

me: i should really start watching my caffeine intake due to my anxiety, so decaf coffee and tea from now on

also me: SMASHES TWO JAVA MONSTERS A DAY

Watched Arcane S2 and it was pretty good but I was NOT expecting THE LESBIANS to just- LADIES.

The constant switching of art styles felt like I was in an 80's music video montage. Some of it was really touching, but other parts I felt lingered just too long. Can't wait for it to crash and burn in S3!

Okay now give me Shadow Isles thanks.

7/10

November came in like the first freeze of winter. Beautiful, but cold and frustrating. I didn't take time to prepare for the change of autumn into winter. I didn't concern myself with the shortening of days and the long stretches of night. This led me into a whirlwind of panic and November clung to me like ice.

December won't be "my month", but it will be a collection of days I will work through bravely. I will continue to move forward and I know I will trip and stumble, but I have to keep my head up and I can't let those moments hold me back.

So I hope all of you welcome this final month of 2024 and all of its challenges. I hope you hold onto the happy memories of this year and use them as your strength while we coast into the next.

"Autumn is my favorite season!" Everything proceeds to go wrong in Autumn.

and i give up.

i am stressed, i am anxious, i am depressed, and i am manic. i feel like since the end of October, everything has decided to just stop being good for me, personally. yes this is a first world problem, yes i'm going to whine about it because i just spent 20 minutes crying in the shower.

finances are getting tight for multiple reasons, and of course our bed breaks and then, on queue, the car needs a pricey fix that also means we cannot drive it as often or as far as we want.

i decide that i'll make my home a little better but just fixing it up! it'll benefit us and the landlord might appreciate it! i get prepped and then find out that we were told wrong and i cannot finish the work i started. great.

trying to get my outside time and enjoying the company of the neighbor's cat! chair suddenly crumbles under me and i topple off the side of the porch. ouch.

i gave up on trying to fix the keurig i was gifted last holiday because i just cannot get it to work.

my cats have terrible breath and i am really concerned about their teeth and health. they seem fine, but the bad breath is worrying.

all of my self-development work and my work toward helping my mental health just flew out the window at the start of the month because i just felt it in my gut that something bad was going to happen and everything did at once.

all i can do is cry. i feel helpless. i have no sense of control over anything. i can't do anything to fix it all. my therapist said she was proud of me, but i can't even feel proud of myself now. i'm giving up. i just don't know what to do anymore.

I am thinking of making a physical photo album. I know everything is digital, but if the internet suddenly vanishes... everything is lost. I miss physical media. I think, for some things, I'll start collecting it again.

We played Mouthwashing!

6/10 was overhyped. It was not a bad game, but eh. In the year of our lord and savior, Silent Hill 2, eh.

There's so many things I want to do, but some of them are for the wrong reasons. I'm gathering hobbies and things I want to start pursuing because I feel like I need to do more. But do I? I would like to have something tangible to focus on, but do I need to overwhelm myself with a ton of hobbies to keep me busy? Why can't I find something that just feels good and enjoyable to do?

I'm having a tough time.

We tried watching some aquarium tv today. Rahir was hypnotized by bright fish. I think he still prefers the real birds outside. This little guy reminds me every day to be curious and explore. Also hide from strangers.

i cry a lot, but i am so productive

In my restless dreams, I see that town.

When the neighbor's cat comes running to welcome you home, walks you to the door, then tries to come in with you. I am the Cat Lady. I guess I got adopted.

I finally sat down and (re)watched the first 3 seasons of Stranger Things. I love the first season, the second season was okay and still a joy to watch. The third season fell off for me and ended at a place where I thought “What else is there now? This is a strong ending.”

Then I saw the mid-roll credit scene and it annoyed me. While I understand not wanting to drop a cash cow, it feels like it is losing all the fun and mystery. I am unsure if I’ll watch season 4 and 5 for any reason except to just finish it.

The unicorn lived in a lilac wood, and she lived all alone. She was very old, though she did not know it, and she was no longer the careless color of seafoam, but rather the color of snow falling on a moonlit night.

Though this story has been my favorite and the most influential tale in my life, I have never taken the time to read the book. That changes now. I feel like a child again reading the pages and my heart is so excited to finally have the full tale.

My beloved companion and his newfound love of cat tv. I would love to get a bird feeder to put outside the window behind my desk so he can watch real birds more often!

Earlier this week I hit 150 days straight on my goal app. This little app has helped me so much when it comes to getting things done and reminding myself to take time for me. 150 days isn’t too many when it’s over the year, but I haven’t missed a day since I started using it. Finch has really given me a sense of consistency and success. (Not sponsored, I just really love this app.) So congratulations to me! I’m making so much progress and doing well.