There's So Many Things I Want To Do, But Some Of Them Are For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Gathering Hobbies

I know I'm fat, but GOSH do I want to wear skirts and dresses.

“How can you enjoy horror?! How can you enjoy feeling fear and anxiety? What's wrong with you?”

I came across a video discussing this and it really made me think about myself, a horror fan who delves deep into the genre and loves to explore the different subgenres. But why do I enjoy it so much? Why do I prefer to sit in a state of anxiety and fear and watch others suffer?

The general answer would be: Because I am comfortable in that state. Those feelings I have lived within for most of my life, and it is where I feel most ‘safe’ in a sense. I feel that a lot of people can relate to horror in various ways.

Why?

Trauma. It all relates to the trauma I have endured from a very early age. Horror gives me various ways of sitting in these emotions and processing them. Even the different subgenres offer me different points of views and thoughts on how to approach these feelings and release them. No, I’m not talking about acting upon violence, because that’s just a very small part of horror.

Body horror is my favorite subgenre. The drastic metamorphosis of the human form turning into something we cannot comprehend - something that is alien to us. The suffering of being in that form that’s in between reality and the unknown. Struggling to understand it, attacking it because we don’t. I see my own body this way. I have never felt comfortable in my physical body. No, I do not suffer a debilitating disease or suffer the loss of body parts, but when I look at myself in the mirror I wonder, “Is this really what I look like?”

I forget that I do not look like the image I have of myself in my head and being reminded of that makes my stomach feel tight and I feel actual fear. I do not like how I look on the outside. I also do not like knowing what’s on the inside. Blood and gore make me queasy, not only on the screen or in a book, but in reality. The knowledge that my body is filled with fleshy pieces and liquid that can so easily be spilled and lead to my demise is terrifying.

Gothic horror. This one is a bit more subdued. It’s the past versus the present, time leaking into the future. It’s a reminder of how the past affects the present and how, in turn, the present affects the future. My past clings to me, I live in it. I am doing my best to let go, and movies in the subgenre and usually about doing just that. The happy ending of moving on from past trauma, of learning to cope healthily or close a chapter of your life to look forward to the future. This is a subject I desperately try to improve in myself, but this subgenre is where I feel so… understood.

Cosmic horror is so intriguing to me. It makes me dive into analyzing otherworldly subjects, working my mind to try and grasp whatever understanding I can from the horror introduced. It shows humanity struggling against an unknown but overcoming it… or being driven mad. It reminds me what it is to be human; how not understanding everything is terrifying, but real. We are not meant to understand everything, we cannot scientifically break down things and we can either accept that or fight against it.

Humanity’s true hubris is trying to understand the core of the universe, to examine everything in a way that we will have infinite knowledge and pluck at the strings of reality so that we can control it. How we, as a species, crave domination. This subgenre makes me take a step back, realize there are things we should not meddle in, and sometimes we should accept things as they are… lest we see what lies in the mountains of madness.

Paranormal fiction gives me hope. Strange, isn’t it? The idea of ghosts or demons haunting us. Thinking that we could be tormented by an entity that lives beside us that we only need to give an ounce of attention to. So why does it fill me with faith? Because I feel so alone. Not only due to my schedule of being someone who is only active over the evening and night, but because I have a habit of isolating myself due to my intense fear of abandonment. The paranormal is unseen right next to us and, as much as I don’t believe in spirits, heaven, or hell, a part of me does hope that maybe those I have lost are still here.

That I am not sitting here alone at my computer. Perhaps a phantom stands with me, watching me in intrigue of this new technology they cannot understand. Maybe a specter paces the hallway, reliving a certain moment in their lives over and over again, not knowing that I am here… but they are present. Is there a fiend wrapped around my shoulders, damning me throughout the day by placing me in difficult situations and causing havoc around me? Well, they’re dealing with my annoying optimism and having to listen to me break down, too. If they felt joy about it, I’m sure they would be tired of it by now. We’re just nagging each other at this point. Yet, neither of us would be alone.

It’s about grief.

It’s about self-animosity.

It’s about trauma.

It’s about feeling understood.

I enjoyed the show Stranger Things, for example, because I could relate to the characters. I was a gifted child who was exploited by the authority around me, I never felt that I fit in, and I tried so hard to do so. I was smart, but in turn I was looked down upon and still told I was not by adults. I had special interests but never found friends who shared in those. I was afraid of being alone.

Enjoying horror does not mean there is anything “wrong” with you. It’s a platform for exploring deep emotions, expressing questions we are too afraid to ask, and finding comfort in a way you can understand in a safe place. (By safe, I mean your living room or bed.) I know horror can be dangerous, but it can also be a form of therapy. Writing in the genre allows you to work through uncomfortable emotions, to get your feelings out in a way that doesn’t avoid those emotions.

I do not speak for everyone, and this is about my person views and experiences. I would love to hear the views and stories of others.

I bought my first houseplants in 5 years today! I am so excited to finally have some nature in my home!

In a month or so, I’d like to get some lavender and cat grass. I’m going to have to stop impulse shopping from today forward. It’ll be good for me.

70 F outside with a soft breeze. It's a beautiful day and all I wanted to do was sit in my front yard and exist.

So, I did. I quietly existed on the ground for about 20 minutes, just allowing myself to be. It was refreshing, comforting, and I felt that everything was going to get better.

February has been a rough month with lots of ups and downs in my mind. I know it hasn't been terrible, but my anxiety and depression have created this image of failure in my mind. I was ill over my birthday, I didn't do anything romantic for my husband over valentine's, I wasn't able to take part in the simple photography challenge I set up for myself because I just wasn't motivated.

This all gathered up inside and makes me feel as though I wasted February. Winter should be about rest - the calm, silent season before the colorful rebirth of nature. I think I'm ready for spring.

I think I have sat still long enough that I am simply wallowing in the quiet and unable to relax. I live in a state of anxiety, so it's difficult, but I am ready for life. I'm ready to live.

I need to stay positive, to stay motivated, to allow myself to take days off to simply exist, but I want so much to enjoy the world around me and feel connected to it.

I'm optimistic.

We played Mouthwashing!

6/10 was overhyped. It was not a bad game, but eh. In the year of our lord and savior, Silent Hill 2, eh.

Word of the Year for 2025

Transformation.

[noun] 1. change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

(Originally I had chose a different word, but then I realize my goals did not align with that word... so I changed it! I can always change it again, if I need to!)

September of 2024 began my journey of self love, self development, self awareness, and self improvement. I sat down with a journal and a determination to be a better me. To be a me who is true to myself and accepts who I am.

There is so much I have to learn and to work on, so many goals I aim to reach, but I know it will be a process. Perhaps one that never ends. I accept that, because I truly want to be the real me I know I am at my core and I want to express myself to others in honesty and with transparency.

This word means more than just my own transformation. It will apply to how I approach challenges, how I think, how I react, how I live and ultimately the world around me. I will struggle, but I have my wonderful husband at my side and friends who will stick with me through the hard parts.

I look forward to leaving my cocoon and spreading my wings.

Yurah by Saturn Tri'anon

Watched Arcane S2 and it was pretty good but I was NOT expecting THE LESBIANS to just- LADIES.

The constant switching of art styles felt like I was in an 80's music video montage. Some of it was really touching, but other parts I felt lingered just too long. Can't wait for it to crash and burn in S3!

Okay now give me Shadow Isles thanks.

7/10

pls just let me play the game. this is on medium settings. i'm going to have to go full low. 😭

My husband is playing Onimusha Warlords and we just saved a panicked boy from demons - then we give him a life lesson about the world and freedom???

Samanosuke this is not the time to dad on a child you don’t know.