Tw: Suicide Attempt - Blog Posts

Might be part of something larger.

TW: depression, self-harm, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, blood

Red. Red was a beautiful color. It wasn't her favorite color but there was something enchanting about it. The way it flowed down her arm into the sink, taking her pain and memories with it. She couldn't tear her eyes away even if those people were screaming at her. Red. Down her arm. Red. Down the sink. Red red red. Down the drain. It was the only time she felt okay. Though she had to do it often since the feelings didn't last long. The relief, the comfort she felt in her skin for once, how she finally loved herself in those moments, it was all too short. She needed more red. Enough to last longer. To last the rest of her life. It was the only way she'd ever be okay.

Strands of Existence

Recently one of my favorite pieces of media featured a character brought back to life with the exclamation of EMPTY! empty empty empty EMPTY!

It resonated harder than it should’ve to be honest

because I feel like that

I feel like I’ve been killed by life

by friends who should've been

family that wasn't

lovers who refused to be

My soul, exsanguinated by those who said they would cherish it

My dreams scooped out of my skull by harsh words and harsher realities of funding and conditional love and security

My wonder pulled from my chest by the same hands I once placed my stained glass heart into

My skin sensitive not from angry and rash touches but from the lack of any love at all

And its left me Empty

Left me feeling like the only things left are the strands of the person I once was and tried so hard to be tying me to a life that I don’t really want.

I tried to cut those strings

those delicate blue strings running the lengths of my arms and legs and release the hot red magic held within them

tried to free myself

tried to leave on gossamer wings

but it didn’t work

it failed

i failed.

So I stopped trying, I now bleed on pages instead of pillows and try to find those wings within me and let them free without letting them see the light. I try to leave those strings be and let them puppet me towards a life I want to lead instead of one I want to leave.

I still feel like there’s only strings within me, but at least I stopped trying to cut them 

Now I pick up the pieces of my shattered stained glass heart and use yet more silver to weld it back together and try to believe what they say, that broken things fixed are just as beautiful if not more for the proof of recovery

And if I can do it

Maybe you can too

Maybe we both can one day look up and realize that those strings weren’t trapping us, but leading us to our destinies like red strings of fate tying us to happiness and a future that we can’t yet see

TW: Mentions of Suicide Attempt

Me: The AO3 Curse isn't real.

Also Me: *gets screwed over by my first college in terms of accommodations, deals with an Art History teacher who allegedly aired out a student's failing grade in Teams despite doing little to help them, gets failing grades so bad that resulted in an attempt to jump into traffic that was stopped when my mom called me, drops out of college up until 2025, loses most of the fic I had planned for FMA Big Bang 2021 after the website I was using went defunct, get a cyst where the sun don't shine that exploded on my way home from visiting family, gets fired from my first job as a result of unfortunate events, has to get surgery for cyst, gets new job catering food for a social media company that has very classist employees, loses my grandpa and grandma a few months apart, couldn't go to my grandpa's funeral due to financial issues, loses my first manager at my second job because of him trying to help me and my coworkers out, second manager and third manager quits because of the higher ups failing to tell them about our contract ending a few months after they were hired, fourth manager being so incompetent that a coworker and I had to step up to do most of the work for him, and gets illegally laid off*

Me: Damn.