Back In The Day…

Aging thoughts

I'm rewatching the 1975 Count of Monte Cristo and Dantes’ has just escaped the island, stating he's 33yrs. I'm not sure if I should be happy that I've done more in my life than he has or annoyed that my greatest accomplishments don't come anywhere near a jailbreak.

Discovering My Personal Style

Needless to say, it hasn’t been easy. Lucky for me, I was fortunate not to be influenced by outside forces: aka, the modern world in the form of public school. Because they would have attached stereotypes to me at best and bullied me at worst.

Before puberty, I didn’t really care about my style, because at that point I didn’t even know who I was. I didn’t have a firm grasp on what my likes, dislikes, personal goals and dreams were, and that was fine - it was normal. I was still learning about new things every day.

When puberty did hit and I suddenly started to care, things got confusing fast. For one thing, I went from being an elfin waif to a Germanic/Latina so full of curves the “teen” clothing section was not an option for me. So I turned to thrift store oddities and boys’ clothes… and growing my hair out to Sailor Moon anime lengths. Looking back, I think I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those people that strictly adhered to ever changing fashions, I wanted practicality and comfort, but all while still maintaining my femininity.

Those years, from my early teens to my early twenties, were hard on me, because I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted, so I lacked confidence in myself. Mid twenties weren’t all that helpful either. But between living abroad, working miserable jobs to save up for grad school and of course grad school itself, I didn’t have a lot of time and brainpower to stop and really reflect on what kind of styles felt like me.

And that was the missing piece I wasn’t getting for the longest time; what did I gravitate towards, what aesthetics brought me joy, what styles made me feel the most comfortable to be in my own skin?

Over the years, I think I picked up bits and pieces but didn’t put them together until recently. As a teen I wore boys’ cargo pants all the time. In my early twenties I had lots of tailored blouses. In my mid twenties I finally mastered some makeup techniques. In the past few years I’ve been on a 1940s-1960s vintage kick.

The result is what I think of as “Audrey Hepburn meets Evelyn O'Connell in the 21st century” (with a little Anazen originality thrown in).

So for those of you who are still trying to find your style, don’t feel pressured to do so. I didn’t know what mine was until I hit 30, and to be honest, it might change later! But right now, this is what I like and feel the most comfortable in. And for those that have found a style that doesn’t fit a stereotype; ignore the boxes! Especially if like me, you were worried about how your unique style would cause others to form false opinions of you before they got to know you. That’s not your concern, it’s completely on them. True relationships aren’t about what the other person is wearing.

We live in an age where it is ridiculously easy to experiment with an endless selection of styles and combinations, so it’d be a shame not to find a look that is perfect for you.

What I Love About Black Widow 2021

SPOILERS, so read at your own risk ;)

There are so many things I absolutely loved about the Black Widow movie it would be insane to try and mention all of them, but I'm going to hit some of my favorites:

Firstly, we get to really see Nat shine as a fully fleshed out and relatable character, rather than obligatory female member and eye candy.

She doesn't like letting people get close to her because when she does, she tends to love them with all her heart and will do anything for them. So when they betray her or are taken away, the pain is so overwhelming that it's easier to try and forget them, and keep everyone else at a distance. But even after all that time has passed, you can see she never really let her loved ones go; they were always in her heart and she will always love them (something I can relate to).

And it's not just her family she cares about. She cares about other people, even the ones who try to kill her. She tried to save that first Widow that went after them - grab her before she fell, and then tried to administer first aide. When she sees that there are more girls enslaved, she risks her life to get their information so they can be freed. She doesn't leave Antonia in her cell to die, but lets her out, and then frees her by using one of the few remaining Red Dust cures, which was a risk because they could have needed it in order to create more, and she couldn't have known for sure it would work on Antonia.

Nat shows that compassion and mercy are not weaknesses, but the ultimate strengths.

But she's not without flaws, flaws and regrets that still haunt her. You see the relief in her eyes when she realizes she didn't kill Antonia, but then the guilt of knowing it was her fault she was turned into Taskmaster. To me, it sounded like she was apologizing for both. And it's those feelings of guilt and regret and the need to apologize that really make her human.

And then we see the other Widows take Antonia with them. My bestie put it like this: "Girls helping other girls regardless of what they've been through or done is really so universally powerful."

I love how the underlying themes of family, pain, guilt, mercy, compassion, and inner strength were so prominent in this film and yet, it wasn't preachy. I feel like the best messages are the ones that show rather than tell.

Now onto the not so heavy things I loved:

(Okay, this one is kinda heavy), Loved that despite having been apart for so long, Nat and Yelena easily fall back into being sisters. It's how I am with mine and the film was able to portray that so well.

Love how much of dork Yelena is about her vest and it's pockets. Actually, love how much of a dork Yelena is period. With her disgust of 'poses', blunt observations, and comments on whether something is a cool way to die. (and another slightly heavy love - the fact that she got her dog and named it after the alias Nat pointedly disliked).

Red Guardian being a horrible dad but still trying so hard anyway, because he loves his family and refuses to give up.

All the action scenes. Seriously. Love those action scenes. But also really appreciate the pacing that allowed the characters and audience to breathe.

Melina being the best mom. Every moment she has is a Best Mom moment.

Costumes were amazing. (I want that vest, including all the pockets).

That the director was a woman. Yes to more female directors!

The witty dialogue between all the characters in every scene. Seriously, none of those jokes let me down and had me laughing so hard.

The fact that we get to see a low-key call back to Nat's introduction in Avengers where she pretends to be helpless in order to get the bad guys to reveal their 'diabolical plans'. Works every time.

Still am super sad that Nat Black Widow is dead in the MCU, but I'm thrilled she got to go off on a super high note.

...

Soooo, there actually was one thing I didn't like (but it certainly didn't ruin the movie for me, I am going to watch it again and again and get so much merch).

But I had a problem with Taskmaster.

To me, Taskmaster had the potential to be Marvel's Thrawn (a different sort of main threat that forces the established heroes to struggle in ways they haven't had to before and defeat said threat using new skills). So to treat Taskmaster as more of a throwaway cameo character was disappointing. Because honestly, the story doesn't need them. They could have been swapped with any random Widow and the plot would have stayed exactly the same - having Taskmaster in the movie doesn't add to the story in any way. So I'm hoping Marvel will have someone else take on the mantle and we really get to see them as a major threat.

But other than that, THE MOVIE WAS AMAZING!!! 9/10 from me. It has become one of my top three best/favorite Marvel movies for me, alongside Captain America: the First Avenger and Black Panther.

What learning to accept and accommodate my autism looks like at the this very moment:

Sitting in an airport bathroom stall (not actually using the toilet) for about 15 minutes to decompress from the flight/preparing to enter the fray once more, and telling myself I have the right to sit here for as long as I need to.

I HAVE THE RIGHT STUPID NT PROGRAMING I WILL SIT HERE AS LONG AS I NEED TO AND NOT FEEL LIKE IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG BY STAYING IN A STALL THIS LONG

“...I never yielded. And as you can see, I am not dead!” - Black Panther (2018)

Thank you Chadwick, for being an inspiration that will last for years to come.

Rest In Peace.

Tell Shonda you want more scenes of Nicola

https://chng.it/9W2rWwgjHY

Done! I don’t know how much better those deleted scenes are but fingers crossed this at least gets the message across that fans aren’t happy.

Favorite Sonic IDW Moments 💙🦔💨 Part 1

Ah, Steve. How are you doing without your favorite second in command right now? Especially considering Dreadwing doesn't have as nearly nice legs as Starscream does ;)

Dear Creators of Female Protagonists

I have a favor to ask, especially those of you who create historical fiction and fantasies that take place in worlds that are based on pre-modern time periods…

Stop making your girls slim, skinny, waifish, lanky, lean, scrawny, angular, gangly, thin, and then have them complain about it.

I appreciate the fact you are acknowledging that in older times, being thin was not desired to the point it is now. That in those times, women with curves, ample chests, and round bottoms were more highly sought after and being thin meant you were malnutritioned and thus, not as desirable. 

I get that you want the girls to be relatable, and who hasn’t lamented over their body not being the current ideal of beauty. 

But for girls like me, who have lots of curves, ample chests, and round bottoms, when your female protagonist is thin and she complains about it, it’s like a slap in the face for me. 

Because it feels like the toxic message of being skin and bones thin has permeated even the worlds where I go to escape negative body image themes. That even there, with the female protagonist I’m supposed to relate to and go on this journey with, has something I’ve been brainwashed into desiring but can never attain, and she has the nerve to whine about it - it drives me insane.

So do me a favor and make a female protagonist who is full of curves and have her be proud of it. Have someone - herself or other characters in the story - note her ample assets and remark how attractive she is. Put her flaws and insecurities in some other part of herself. Make her curvy figure something she is confident about.

In fact, make it a point to create girls with all sorts of body types.

Make them with small chests and wide hips. Make their bosom ample and the rest of the figure straight. Make them tall and built like bricks. Make them petite with very round bottoms.

Make them a unique individual.

If we are ever going to make any strides in teaching girls to love the bodies they were born with, then we need to start with worlds they visit to escape reality. Because if the majority of fictional girls are portrayed as having one body type, then what’s the point of fantasy?