What Learning To Accept And Accommodate My Autism Looks Like At The This Very Moment:

“You want me to spend money? Fine! Let’s go spend an insane amount of money!”

“Where are we going?” ^_^

“To a BOOKSTORE!”

“…” -_-

(A man gives me unlimited funds, I’m buying a library)

[This was originally for just Sylus, but I got caught up in the moment and now its kinda dramatic, so this could apply to Rafayel.]

He keeps trying to make us use his black card, but he doesn't understand why we aren't buying expensive jewelry, or fancy clothes.

Instead were using it for mundane shit like groceries.

Then he confronts us on why there are only a few small purchases when he literally has MILLIONS.

"You have an unlimited card, and refuse to use it..."

"No I'm using it."

"Not anything substantial."

"What, food isn't substantial to you? I'm using to pay for amenities so I can save up for the more taxing items."

"I gave it to you so you could use it for the more expensive items! In fact, you could even use it to pay for the 'amenities' and still have enough left over to buy a nice summer home!"

"I don't need a summer home!"

"My point is you could buy anything! Jewelry, name brand clothing, if you want food you could buy from somewhere nicer! Instead I have a purchase on my card for an 'Auntie Anne's Pretzels...?'"

"First off, their Pretzels are amazing. Second, I dont want anything fancy! I can't wear jewelry on the job and have no where else to wear such gaudy clothing, not to mention all of those NaMe BrAnD clothes are ugly!"

"Couldn't you at least try getting more expensive tastes?"

"My expensive tastes are junk food and plushies! I have no need for jewelry or bougie shit like you!"

"You could get a million plushies! Or even a custom cake!"

"I dun wannaaaaa!!! I don't need a million plushies! I don't even have the space for that many- and no I'm not buying a summer home- and why would I get a custom cake if it's not for something special?? What you want me to buy a cake with lattice work and marbling that just says 'Congrats! You got out of bed today!'"

"If that's what you wanted; YES! I have more than enough for you to buy a whole mall!"

"I don't need nor want an entire mall!! I just wanted to buy some beef for stew!!!"

"Not even a steak?"

"No!!"

"Then I'll just buy all of jewelry and clothes for you!"

"I have nothing expensive I want!! I just wanted to have stew!"

He's just pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to calm down. This is not only the first time he's given his card to someone and they not rack up a bill. But also the first time hes gotten THIS upset.

"At the very least, tell me you didn't look at the price."

"I did not-"

"Oh thank the gods!"

"Because I already knew it would less than $100."

He feels like he just got punched in the gut. He has to leave the room and cool off before he comes back, grabs us by the wrist and pulls us outside.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere expensive."

"But I don't-"

"Sh! Just... Let me have this..."

Things Fundamentalism Robbed Me Of:

Growing up in a radically conservative Christian household, there were a lot of things that weren’t allowed. It wasn’t until after leaving the “faith”, and then taking time to fully deconstruct things, that I realized just how negatively it affected me.

Part 1: Special Interests

I’m autistic. And part of my autism is having special interests (that I obsess over to a degree that most neurotypical people think is ridiculous). But for me, my special interests bring me such joy and excitement and pleasure in my life. A lot of the time they’re what helps me get through a tough day (and quite frankly, a tough world for me to live in).

When I discovered anime and manga, it was like cotton candy for me. The art styles, the animation techniques, the manga layouts, the characters, the vast array of generes, the easy to understand emotions portrayed - it was like this entire type of media had been designed just for me.

But one look at it, and my mom forbid me from watching and reading any of it. Because it was too “demonic” or “sexual” (EX. Inuyasha-taking major inspiration from Japanese mythology. Sailor Moon-for showing off too much skin). Basically, it wasn’t Christian, and thus, sinful.

Part 2: Body Image

Another special interest of mine is fashion/costume design. Growing up, though, it was subjected to strict guidelines. All because I had to make sure I wasn’t causing a “brother in Christ to sin”.

Which, as a person who went from children to adult sizes almost instantaneously, not to mention grew into a curvy girl, made clothes even more of a touchy subject.

All of my outfits had to be inspected by my mom to make sure they weren’t too tight or revealing or even have a print that was too suggestive, before they could be purchased.

Because of this, I was never able to feel pretty. I was never allowed to think of my body as attractive, let alone sexy.

Whenever I designed outfits or costumes in my sketchbooks - using a very curvy model as a way to feel like my body could be beautiful if given the chance - my mom would tell me to “fix” them because they were too sexualized.

Part 3: Cultural Identity

I’m a proud Latina woman. My father and his family immigrated to the USA when he was a kid. Spending time with his side of my family are some of the happiest memories I have.

But because of the radically conservative beliefs of my parents (or maybe just mostly my mom’s, since I can’t recall if my papi ever setting any of this taboos), I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Día de los Muertos.

This may seem like a small thing, like not being allowed to celebrate Halloween (which we weren’t allowed to do either, and for the same reason as Día de Muertos), but when I found out about it as an adult, I was heartbroken that such a beautiful tradition was banned because it was deemed “pagan”.

In Short:

I was robbed of so much because of fundamental christianity.

I can’t help but wonder how my life would have been different if I had been allowed to embrace major aspects of myself: my autism, my body type, my heritage.

Part of me is always going to mourn the years I lost. And I wish, more than anything, that I could go back and tell my younger self - the little girl who lived in fear and was forced to live by beliefs set by privileged white men - that one day, she would be FREE.

Writer’s Block...

...and how to overcome it. Or at least, some of the methods I learned from a workshop I attended and now help me when I get stuck. Please note these are not my ideas, but I feel they really helped me get some longtime projects done so that’s why I felt the need to share it. (and to make sure there’s a place I can find these tips later in case something happens to my original notes)

Writer’s block isn’t a physical thing - one can always sit down to write. Writer’s block is more of a mindset than anything. You have to tell yourself that you can write. What it really actually boils down to is fear; fear that what you’re writing isn’t good enough - that you aren’t good enough. More accurately, writer’s block is writer’s doubt. It’s good to know what you write will never feel 100% perfect, because there will always be things that you felt you could have done better. But that’s okay; because that’s what art is about - improving one’s craft so the next piece is better than the last. Because perfection isn’t achievable. But finishing something is achievable, and it’s what your aim should be for the First Draft.

Writers are comprised of two jobs - drafters (the one responsible for getting ideas down and setting up where the project is going to go), and revisers (the one who goes back after the draft is done and fine tunes the completed project - adding lyrical sentences, fleshing out characters, etc.). You have to build the house before you can decorate it. Don’t try to do them both at once. Finishing a first draft is not the same as finishing a good draft.

Ways to help get over the problem of writer’s block:

Write a detailed letter to someone who has no familiarity with the project. Give them all the details and explain what the problem is and why you’re struggling with it. A lot of the time just defining the problem can help solve it.

Talk it out with someone. The human brain has different areas for writing and talking. So if you’re stuck writing, try talking it out to engage a different part of your brain.

Use bullet points to test out ideas - because your brain doesn’t see them as something that’s super complicated, or even final. They allow you to zoom out on the project and see the overall picture. You can do it with an entire section or even just a scene, or even move onto the next part to figure out how it is framed. And don’t feel like what you’ve written before has to stay that way. Also remember that outlining is still writing and counts.

Go to the backstory, behind the scenes - sometimes it’s a lack of knowledge that prevents you from writing. Take some time to go and figure out the motivations of the character or the things leading up to the story. Write it as if it were a prequel to the story. Write past or future scenes. Sometimes you need a break from where you are in the current plot. Write from a different character's point of view.

Try switching to writing things longhand instead of typing. The brain is more active and engaged in handwriting. Good for brain dumping - getting the creativity flowing. Handwriting eliminates distraction (from the internet) and the need to be perfect.

When you don’t feel like writing, just Write Five Words. And then you can walk away guilt free. More often than not, you’ll write more than five. But the point is not to encourage your doubt, guilt ridden mind (you have to get into the mindset that five words is enough for the day). It’s to help keep you on track to write everyday.

Look to the greats, the people you admire, when you get stuck. Immerse yourself in their great works and tell yourself they’ve been stuck as well. Let yourself be inspired by them. Take a look at what they’ve done and learn from them. Find something that is similar to your project to get inspired.

Sometimes it’s best to leave a scene for later. It’s better to move on and work on something else. Go ahead and write a candy bar scene (the ones you want to write).

You need to prioritize your writing. You need to shut out distractions. Writer’s block can also be writer’s distraction. Find ways to block out the distraction - remove everything that has notifications. Know that distractions can be addictive and there will be a withdrawal period. 

Meditation. Try to just sit down and calm your mind for five minutes before you write. Breathe and count your breaths while on a timer. 

Sometimes you get the best solutions from doing something else. Because your brain is working in the background. So get away from the writing space every now and then; get into the quiet space. Do mundane activities or draw, or just do something that makes your mind relax. Give your brain a break.

It’s possible to be plotting in circles when you are surrounded by the same scenery that you’ve been in during the struggle. Then it’s time for a literal change of scenery. Go somewhere else to write. New space physically to get a new space mentally. Because surroundings can contribute to your mental writing process. 

When you get super stuck, there are times when you just need to write something else. Find a prompt to work on. But don’t use this technique for too long. This is a mini break. Find something you can finish in one sitting. Don’t let it become a distraction to the main project. 

Inspiration is what gets you started, but discipline is what gets things done. Write anyway. Because inspiration can be fickle. So set up a consistent writing routine, because humans thrive on it. Have something you do that is unique to you that you do before you write, so that it helps set up your brain to get ready to write. Doing a physical movement is incredibly helpful to get your brain set up. Do it for 30 days (because habits take about 30 days).

I hate my reproductive organs so much.

I don’t want kids. Never have, never will.

And for once, I’m convinced my body actually understands that (though it doesn’t seem to bother learning anything else going on with my personal wants).

So in a show of passive aggression for not being used to their fullest potential, my periods tend to be bad. Either I’m in a ton of pain, or I’m bleeding so much it looks like someone got murdered in my bathroom.

But for the past two months, I haven’t had my period. And rather than be worried, I was ecstatic. I was actually hoping my uterus had shriveled up to the point where I’d never have a period again!

And then the week of a major event started, and my organs were like, “oh, you have a ten day trip with your family happening in the next few days? That seems like the perfect time to BLEED.”

Touché, reproductive system. But I’m still not having babies.

Why Aren’t There Youtube Videos for ‘How to Deal with Harassment in a Martial Arts Studio’ ? 

Because, quite honestly, there should be.

Some background, ‘real quick’.

I’ve actually been pretty lucky so far in all the places I’ve trained at. Though maybe because I’ve never been a grown ass woman training on my own before. Before this, I trained with my mom and sister, and it was during my middle school to high school years. I’ve been a white belt (level 1 newbie) four times now because we were constantly moving.

In my very first dojo, I was trained in both TaeKwonDo and American Karate by a Puerto Rican former military man. This man, my first Sensei, he was TOUGH. And he made sure his students, especially his female students, knew how to defend themselves. So he trained us hard, and he trained us to fight dirty (when it came to self defense in the real world. If you did any dirty fighting in the dojo, at the very least you’d be getting fifty fist pushups on the tile floor).

So even after bouncing from several other martial art styles and quite a dry spell, when I joined the TaeKwonDo studio I’m currently at, I was actually way better than a white belt. After all, I had been three belts away from earning a black belt in TaeKwonDo and American Karate at my first dojo. And my current instructor recognizes this and is quick to praise how quickly I’m picking the skills up again. I even managed to rank up to the next belt in less than a month!

I was really enjoying myself. After all, I had taken martial arts up again not for the prestige, but for the exercise and community. And even as an awkward kid, I always felt at my most confident throwing punches and breaking boards.

And then some twit showed up and had to ruin it.

This dude, we shall call him… Bob, enrolled about three weeks after I did. Right off the bat I could tell this dude had never trained in any martial arts before. The guy’s technique is very clumsy at best, and sloppy at worst. I don’t mean to disparage him. He’s only a white belt, after all. I don’t expect him to have a honed technique. Especially since he doesn’t seem to be taking the training seriously (or at least, as seriously as I am. My first sensei made sure I never threw a punch or kick that wasn’t peak form).

So what’s my deal with Bob?

In short, so many things. 

The long of it is that I’m starting to feel like he’s lowkey harassing me.

Since we’re both the lowest belts in the class (and we’re lined up by rank) we often end up next to each other during stretches/training, and are taught new techniques together.

(Quick question, if I dude is grunting during a workout next to a woman, is that a creepy gym guy move? Or am I reading into it too much? Because I feel like he grunts a lot when we’re stretching and doing situps/pushups next to each other. And I don’t hear any of the other men in the class grunting).

So besides the awkward grunting, he’s also given me a hard time for not being able to do a full situp, and even saying I didn’t do the require number of situps just because I finished before him (let’s see you do a full situp with double D cups on your chest, dude).

But the thing that’s been building up is his constant harassing me about going to the sparring classes.

At my current studio, you can decide how many classes a week you want to attend. I attend the two adult classes regularly (which, I might add, Bob does not). Then there’s an option to join one of the sparring classes for those who are interested.

When I first started martial arts, I was just a kid. I hadn’t even hit puberty yet, and was still pretty small. Sparing was for the older students who could be trusted to hold their punches back, or at least be more responsible in the event of an accident. My mom did some sparring, and she told me about how scary it was at first. And how she accidentally almost hurt one of the teen boys because they underestimated her and she didn’t have a good grasp on controlling her strength yet (I like to say I get my valkyrie genes from her).

Combine that with my base instinct to get physically violent when pushed to my limit. (Seriously, growing up, I used to bite kids who angered me). Needless to say, I don’t feel I’m ready to take on sparring until I know I have full control of my body. Right now, I’m still getting back into the swing of things; learning how to aim my punches and kicks, and getting a sense of my limbs' reach. I’m not ready to spar.

And this (insert your choice word for a cocky, delusional, disrespectful, creepy dude), has been harassing me about not going to the sparring sessions since he got here. Because he’s been going to these sessions and keeps asking why I’m not going.

Actually, he’s not asking. He’s guilting and harassing me. 

Because his pitch to get me to go, whenever I have repeatedly told him I’m not ready to go, is usually along the lines of: “You should come. I’m just a white belt and I’ve been going since I started. Why don’t you come-?” IN THE MOST CONDESCENDING VOICE IMAGINABLE.

Now, I regret being nice to him. I regret helping him go over katas/forms. I regret politely listening while he complained about the studio (that he’s attending with me right now) and how he might have to attend another studio just so he can learn punches (because this gift to the world didn’t read the sign on the front of the studio that says in BIG LETTERS how TaeKwonDo is known for its powerful KICKS). And most of all, I regret not shutting him down the first time he harassed me about not going to the sparring sessions.

We are NOT friends. He’s NOT entitled to an explanation from me about my personal reasons for not attending the sparring sessions. And he needs to STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT IT.

I spent most of last evening ranting about it to my mom and bestie, and then tossed and turned during the night going over rage induced fantasies where I do attend one sparring session, thoroughly kick him off his ass (with a few broken bones and at least a bleeding nose) - which doesn’t get me banned from the studio because the head instructor was on my side during this fantasy.

So to anyone out there that might have some words of wisdom: what do I do to get this @#$%^& to leave me alone?

After reading all the available books by Ali Hazelwood, I have come to the conclusion that she has types. (Yes, plural).

Women: must be short, small chested (and complain about their small chests. Not to mention complain about their bones sticking out. And how men ogle them).

Men: must be super tall, built like comic book heroes, and have huge…equipment.

Normally, I wouldn’t give a hoot about her personal preferences. But when one is spouting messages of diversity and inclusivity, and has had their first work be a major hit (that I myself loved, btw), then I’m just saying it would be nice to see said diversity when it comes to the body types of her main characters.

I’ve already ranted about romance heroines making me want to slap them because they have the gall to whine about their small breasts, especially modern day girls who shouldn’t complain since the fashion and beauty industries center around thin women so really, they have no right-

But my point is that if Ali Hazelwood can get away with inserting her personal preferences into ALL OF HER BOOKS (seriously, there doesn’t seem to be any differences between all of the characters - males and females - besides hair color, eye color, and skin color) then I think that gives me the right to do the same and no one should be allowed to judge me for it.

Thus, all my main characters will be:

Women: all will be 5’5, plus size, and thank the gods they were born with ample bosoms (and also how they have those womanly tummies we all have no matter what our sizes). And have butts and hips that sashay from side to side without even having to try. Because it drives their men wild.

Men: all will be no taller than 5’9, will NOT have 'full' lips, have the bodies of Japanese figure skaters (especially the flat butts), and have equipment so small their pants never look awkward (because really, men need to know there are women out there that don’t find the male wish fulfillment body type attractive. I certainly don’t).

Artist Peeve...

Don't know if anyone else has to go through this, but it happens to me a lot.

And that is when I tell someone I write fiction/draw illustrations, they assume those skills transfer and/or that automatically means I'd want to do a COMPLETLY DIFFERENT MEDIUM FOR THEIR RANDOM PROJECT.

Just because I write fiction, that doesn't mean I'd be any good at writing articles. Just because I do illustrations doesn't mean that I can take photographs any better than the average person.

And did it even occur to the people asking-SAYING I should volunteer to do these other skills/activates that if I didn't mention (and show no evidence of participating in), that maybe, JUST MAYBE, they're not skills I have or activities I enjoy, and I most certainly don't want to do with my time, free or otherwise?

AND CERTAINLY NOT FOR FREE!

Part 2

Kore Yamazaki : My Newest Idol

Yamazaki-sensei is a manga artist I really admire. I love the amount of detail she puts into her work - story and art, and how she can make even the most of the mundane seem magical. I haven’t admired an artist this much since Hayao Miyazaki.

And then I saw a photo of her and my admiration doubled.

Because it’s just so refreshing and validating to see a superstar of art not look like a glamorous hipster.

So many of the artists I admire look super well put together and almost all of them are thin. In fact, a lot of people I admire in the creativity fields are super thin and I guess I never realized how much that negativity affected me.

Feeling like I could never be as creative and successful as them because I’m not disciplined enough to put in the work to make myself glamorous and somehow that’s tied to my creative abilities and skill level.

An irrational thought, I know, but that’s how much the media has brainwashed me with it’s damaging messages of “if you’re not thin you can never be successful.”

I think it’s because it’s so rare for me to see pictures of any plus size artists and writers. And even then it’s even more rare to see anyone who has a face as round as mine.

So it was a thrill for me to see such a successful woman who looks a lot like me. And it’s especially gratifying to see a woman my age who doesn’t bother with makeup!

So thank you, Yamazaki-sensei, for being you, and inspiring the women who don’t fit the media mold.

Do you ever have mixed feelings about rating stuff on (insert streaming service that lets you yay or nay content)?

I do. Because on the one hand, I’m hoping that by doing so, it will enable the algorithms to do their job and suggest the next best thing for me.

On the other hand, I get a kick out of liking something but then hating something that’s supposed to be of the same type, thus making it impossible for the algorithm to accurately guess what I might like.