I Hate My Reproductive Organs So Much.

Random thoughts on personality quizzes and types and systems:

Like most people, I’ve taken a quiz or two and read up on personality systems and even looked at my zodiac signs (Greek and Chinese-which I’m still the most skeptical on because they both so far off it’s laughable).

But I’ve come to an idea regarding the others, like Myers-Brigg and the Enneagram system, and that is:

I don’t think there is one right system, but perhaps different systems work for different people.

Because let’s face it, humans are so unique and full of nuances and there’s quite a lot of us so how could the whole fit into 16, 9, or even just 4 personalities?

I’ve taken the Myers-Brigg so many times and each time I would get a different answer depending on the day (though it mostly stayed within four choices of INFP, INFJ, ISFP ISFJ).

Several other systems labaled me as a White or from Peace Country or a Leo (which is the funniest of all).

Then I took a quiz for the Enneagram system and got a 4. And when I read the description, I was amazed to find how much it resonated with me. And then when I got an in depth book, it was almost scary how on the nose it was.

So why aren’t I advocating the Enneagram system with all my being?

Because the people around me don’t seem to fit as well into the Enneagram system as I do. (The greatest example being my dad because he seems to be an enigma to all the systems).

So if the goal is to have a better understanding of yourself and others, there’s nothing wrong with subscribing to the systems, as long as you keep in mind they are tools for improving yourself and your experience with others.

Artist Pet Peeve

I hate it when there’s a group of artists (in shows or a class) and they’re given a clear set of rules/expectations, BUT, there’s one arrogant twit who gets high marks/gets to stay in the competition despite NOT following the brief. Simply because they’re talented/showcase cool skills.

I’m sorry, but if I was a client and had commissioned someone for a particular piece, but they gave me something that was the result of their own tastes, I’d fire them and demand a refund, or at least have them do it over!

Giving these artists a pass isn’t going to help them grow, and it certainly isn’t going to prepare them for the real world.

(This rant was the result of me watching Blown Away season 2 and remembering several art classes I took in college - that eventually caused me to switch majors because the teachers were terrible at teaching).

Some of my favorite posts here on Tumblr:

I just had a brilliant thought:

Anyone who saw the Derry Girls on GBBO and thought it was awesome...

WE NEED A MARVEL CAST VERSION OF THAT.

Can you just imagine some of those people in the tent?!

Even if we can only get the Brits; I would pay good money to see Tom Holland, Tom Hiddleton, Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, Karen Gillan, Letitia Wright, Hayley Atwell, and Paul Bettany trying to make victoria spounges.

One weekend, that’s all I’m asking for.

Was tagged by my bestie, @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city to do the 3 Fictional Characters I Honestly Would Say I’m the Most Alike.

And honestly, this was HARD. Because it’s very rare that I find anyone in fiction that I can actually relate to. I’m not a pure girly-girl but I’m not a tough-as-nails biker chick either. I’m a strange mix of leather and lace. But after much searching I did find three girls that I’ve related to more than anyone else.

First up is Evie O’Connell, from the Mummy movies (just the first two, I refuse to acknowledge the subsequent films). Evie represents the adventuring academic in me. She may seem too bookish to be out in the field, but it’s wise not to let her innocent demeanor fool you. She will fight for what’s right and she’ll probably have a lot of random facts in her arsenal to do it. She has a great love for history but balances it evenly with the present. And sometimes she’s just a little too curious for her own good, though thankfully for me, it tends to be on a smaller scale.

Next is Moonshade from the Elfquest comics (before the Final Quest volumes because her character in that arc was a complete switch from the one I came to know and love). Moonshade is both my artistic side and my old fashioned self. She loves creating things in many mediums, particularly outfits, and likes to incorporate new elements from the places she’s been in her designs. But even though she enjoys experiencing new things, she will never bend her beliefs and what she knows to be right, even if it means alienating herself from others. She tends to hold grudges against people who have wronged her or anyone she cares for, demonstrating a loyalty that will never break.

And lastly, but probably the one I identify with the most, is Entrapta from the Netflix She-Ra. Entrapta is my easygoing, socially inept geek self. She accepts everything and everyone at face value, seeing them in a positive light until proven otherwise. She’s passionate about the things she enjoys and tends to get single minded when it comes to her projects, with her likes seeming rather strange to many others. She may technically be an adult but mentally she’s still a kid at heart, and so has trouble reading more nuanced situations. She has difficulty in making friends and connections with people because she wants to please them, to fit in, but at the same time, she yearns for someone who accepts her and praises her for who she truly is.

I found it very interesting that the girls I chose seem so different at first glance. But at their cores, they all care deeply about the people in their lives and will do anything to help and protect them, even if it means putting themselves in the line of fire. They are passionate about what they love and tend to dedicate so much time and effort into those interests, often showing their love by sharing the fruits of these labors with the people they value most.

And they all seem to have a thing for misunderstood loners ;3

Tag to anyone who wants to do this for fun!

This flag is not racist.

This flag represents the “Thin Blue Line”.  

The blue line represents law enforcement standing between the people and anarchy, criminals, and violence.

It does not stand for anything hateful, racist, discriminatory, homophobic, sexist, or anything other _ist, _ism, _phobia, or _ation you can think of.

Those who utilize this flag or symbol and derivatives of do so because they are expressing solidarity with law enforcement other first responders, respect, gratitude, and simply support to the men and women who come from all varieties of creeds, races, and beliefs. It is also not uncommon to use it to express mourning over the death or murder of someone in law enforcement. 

Before the flag, the symbol was simply this:

And it would later expand to include other aspects of law enforcement and first responders.  Red for Firefighters, Silver for Corrections Officers, Gold for Dispatchers/Communications Officers, White for EMS, and Orange for Search and Rescue.

There are versions which include many “Thin Lines” to show respect for multiple agencies.  I for one have this one on the back of my car.

Before all this PC nonsense, people used these symbols as a means of support, respect, and encouragement.  “We see you, we appreciate you, we are thankful to you.”  It never had anything to do with race, hate, power, control, or anything negative. 

 These symbols have existed long before the mobs called them racist or symbols of ‘white power’ and no matter how you attempt to make them represent something evil, it will not work or change what it stands for:

Family. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Family.

If you ever work as a first responder or in that community, be it law enforcement, EMS, firefighting, SAR, dispatch..you see hell, sometimes daily. You see your own hell, the hell of others. You see blood, death, torture, cruelty and evil. Lives are risked. Lives are lost - sometimes it could be your own, or someone you were tasked with protecting. Someone you worked side by side with. It’s a calling, and it’s both heaven and hell for those involved.  All of us are a family, and this is how we reach out to each other to tell each other something simple:

“Brother or Sister, I have your back.”

If you choose to see that as racist, demeaning, hateful, or anything else negative, especially after being explained otherwise, then there is no helping you - unless it’s someone from our community.

Regardless of what you think of us, how you hate or love us, we will always come to help you even if it means getting hurt to do so, or even killed.

That’s our family, and this is our symbol. It will never mean hatred.

For those who still think otherwise and believe yourself good and honest people, I have a challenge for you.  The next time you see someone, be they IRL or online and they’re sporting the thin blue line, ask them calmly to tell you what it means to them.  Why it’s important to them. What they think of it.

I think you’ll live happier knowing that something you believed was hateful is actually out to do good.

tapas.io

Comics Cats Cocoa :: Butterflies vs Moths | Tapas

Comics Cats Cocoa :: Butterflies vs Moths | Tapas

@a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city Saw this and thought of you :3

Why Aren’t There Youtube Videos for ‘How to Deal with Harassment in a Martial Arts Studio’ ? 

Because, quite honestly, there should be.

Some background, ‘real quick’.

I’ve actually been pretty lucky so far in all the places I’ve trained at. Though maybe because I’ve never been a grown ass woman training on my own before. Before this, I trained with my mom and sister, and it was during my middle school to high school years. I’ve been a white belt (level 1 newbie) four times now because we were constantly moving.

In my very first dojo, I was trained in both TaeKwonDo and American Karate by a Puerto Rican former military man. This man, my first Sensei, he was TOUGH. And he made sure his students, especially his female students, knew how to defend themselves. So he trained us hard, and he trained us to fight dirty (when it came to self defense in the real world. If you did any dirty fighting in the dojo, at the very least you’d be getting fifty fist pushups on the tile floor).

So even after bouncing from several other martial art styles and quite a dry spell, when I joined the TaeKwonDo studio I’m currently at, I was actually way better than a white belt. After all, I had been three belts away from earning a black belt in TaeKwonDo and American Karate at my first dojo. And my current instructor recognizes this and is quick to praise how quickly I’m picking the skills up again. I even managed to rank up to the next belt in less than a month!

I was really enjoying myself. After all, I had taken martial arts up again not for the prestige, but for the exercise and community. And even as an awkward kid, I always felt at my most confident throwing punches and breaking boards.

And then some twit showed up and had to ruin it.

This dude, we shall call him… Bob, enrolled about three weeks after I did. Right off the bat I could tell this dude had never trained in any martial arts before. The guy’s technique is very clumsy at best, and sloppy at worst. I don’t mean to disparage him. He’s only a white belt, after all. I don’t expect him to have a honed technique. Especially since he doesn’t seem to be taking the training seriously (or at least, as seriously as I am. My first sensei made sure I never threw a punch or kick that wasn’t peak form).

So what’s my deal with Bob?

In short, so many things. 

The long of it is that I’m starting to feel like he’s lowkey harassing me.

Since we’re both the lowest belts in the class (and we’re lined up by rank) we often end up next to each other during stretches/training, and are taught new techniques together.

(Quick question, if I dude is grunting during a workout next to a woman, is that a creepy gym guy move? Or am I reading into it too much? Because I feel like he grunts a lot when we’re stretching and doing situps/pushups next to each other. And I don’t hear any of the other men in the class grunting).

So besides the awkward grunting, he’s also given me a hard time for not being able to do a full situp, and even saying I didn’t do the require number of situps just because I finished before him (let’s see you do a full situp with double D cups on your chest, dude).

But the thing that’s been building up is his constant harassing me about going to the sparring classes.

At my current studio, you can decide how many classes a week you want to attend. I attend the two adult classes regularly (which, I might add, Bob does not). Then there’s an option to join one of the sparring classes for those who are interested.

When I first started martial arts, I was just a kid. I hadn’t even hit puberty yet, and was still pretty small. Sparing was for the older students who could be trusted to hold their punches back, or at least be more responsible in the event of an accident. My mom did some sparring, and she told me about how scary it was at first. And how she accidentally almost hurt one of the teen boys because they underestimated her and she didn’t have a good grasp on controlling her strength yet (I like to say I get my valkyrie genes from her).

Combine that with my base instinct to get physically violent when pushed to my limit. (Seriously, growing up, I used to bite kids who angered me). Needless to say, I don’t feel I’m ready to take on sparring until I know I have full control of my body. Right now, I’m still getting back into the swing of things; learning how to aim my punches and kicks, and getting a sense of my limbs' reach. I’m not ready to spar.

And this (insert your choice word for a cocky, delusional, disrespectful, creepy dude), has been harassing me about not going to the sparring sessions since he got here. Because he’s been going to these sessions and keeps asking why I’m not going.

Actually, he’s not asking. He’s guilting and harassing me. 

Because his pitch to get me to go, whenever I have repeatedly told him I’m not ready to go, is usually along the lines of: “You should come. I’m just a white belt and I’ve been going since I started. Why don’t you come-?” IN THE MOST CONDESCENDING VOICE IMAGINABLE.

Now, I regret being nice to him. I regret helping him go over katas/forms. I regret politely listening while he complained about the studio (that he’s attending with me right now) and how he might have to attend another studio just so he can learn punches (because this gift to the world didn’t read the sign on the front of the studio that says in BIG LETTERS how TaeKwonDo is known for its powerful KICKS). And most of all, I regret not shutting him down the first time he harassed me about not going to the sparring sessions.

We are NOT friends. He’s NOT entitled to an explanation from me about my personal reasons for not attending the sparring sessions. And he needs to STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT IT.

I spent most of last evening ranting about it to my mom and bestie, and then tossed and turned during the night going over rage induced fantasies where I do attend one sparring session, thoroughly kick him off his ass (with a few broken bones and at least a bleeding nose) - which doesn’t get me banned from the studio because the head instructor was on my side during this fantasy.

So to anyone out there that might have some words of wisdom: what do I do to get this @#$%^& to leave me alone?

Things I didn't realize I could do despite NOT being Posh/Rich

Namely because I grew up not seeing it done in my own family so assumed I wouldn't ever be able afford to, or that was a class rule thing that I wasn't allowed to break lest I be perceived as a social climber or inadvertently saying I'm better than my peers.

Yay my Autistic black and white logic.

Since coming to these realizations, whole new levels of joy have opened up in my life.

(In no particular order)

#1 - Trimming my nails so they were all the same length on each finger and both hands

I’m honestly not sure what made me think I couldn’t trim my nails so they were all the same length. I grew up seeing adult women in my circle have uneven nails on their hands vs posh women with professionally manicured hands so maybe my mind just made the correlation. I always thought that the even nails were so elegant and wished my could be even too, but the women in my family didn’t care about manicures, and to be fair, I didn’t and still don’t like wearing nail polish, so even if I had worked up the nerve to ask for a manicure, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

But then one day when I was in my teens, I randomly, from the corner of my eye, watched a bit of some tween animated show (maybe Bratz?) and one of the girls broke a nail and then went on about how now she was going to have to trim all the other ones to match. And my mind was blown.

I realized then that having my nails all different lengths upset me. It didn’t matter if one or two of them had grown in very nicely if they didn’t match the rest. In fact, I was perfectly happy with them all being trimmed to the nubs if it meant they were all the same length.

I still have yet to get a professional manicure and I still don’t like painting my nails. I tend to keep my nails fairly short because I do martial arts and bake and gardening so having them short is practical. And having them all even makes me happier than a few of them looking elegant.

#2 - Having matching sets of themed underwear

As a teen and into my twenties, my bras never matched my underwear. Because I was raised on the kind of underwear you get in large packs. My mother openly scoffed at the pantie displays, saying pantie was such a vulgar term, and from the media it seemed wearing matching sets of underwear was reserved for “the bedroom”. Whenever I passed by a Victoria’s Secret, I’d see the piles of lace and my good Christian girl brainwashing had me roll my eyes and tell myself that I was better than the uncouth masses for not wearing such highly sensual underwear since obviously one only wore it if one was expecting to have intercourse with a man.

And then I discovered matching socks weren’t just a fashion statement limited to men.

Socks growing up had also followed the same rule as purchasing underwear - cheap and in bulk. But then I got several ballet flats and realized my normal socks were not going to go well so I got several pairs of cute floral socks to match with my outfits.

I also had been going to therapy recently and had started lifestyle changes like going to taekwondo three times a week and incorporating more healthy foods into my diet (I’m still pretty picky because most healthy foods aren’t safe foods for me, but smaller changes like using 100% whole wheat bread and drinking 2% milk have helped a lot).

Long story short, I was feeling more positive and comfortable and confident in my body and treated myself to some new clothes. Because I had also discovered Torrid - a clothing store that designs clothes specifically for women like me.

And after get a new wardrobe, the likes of which I never thought I’d get to have because all the cute clothes everywhere were too small for me, I realized I didn’t need a reason besides wanting to feel pretty to buy matching underwear sets. And to have enough to last me two weeks without repeating!

I’m such a visual person and it took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Sometimes I just open the special drawer where I keep all my pretty underwear and admire them.

#3 - Spaces beside your bedroom can be themed

By now the visual theme is well established. Stimming for neurodivergent people can take on my forms through the various senses - it’s not just limited to “flapping”. Visual stimming is my biggest stim. Nothing makes me happier than staring at beauty.

My bedroom has always been my sanctuary, especially growing up. We moved 8 times my first 18 years and my mom, being the artist that she is, tried to make the transitions easier by letting us pick a new theme for our rooms every time we moved.

The rest of the house outside my bedroom never seemed to have a theme. It was the 90s-2000s and if you don’t know the aesthetic for that time period consider yourself lucky. My parents also collected things from the places we moved and the trips we had gone on, so the rest of the house looked pretty chaotic to me (especially since in my room everything had to have a place and god forbid a single pillow was out of place).

I didn’t stay long enough in my first two apartments to put any effort into them (first one was while working as a teacher in Japan and the second was when I was in grad school). But when I got my first real job and my first real apartment, that’s when I realized I could decorate however I wanted to (because I was starting from scratch).

It took some trial and error to figure out what worked for me in each of the rooms. Obviously I couldn’t spend massive amounts of money, but with a little creativity I managed to cultivate spaces that made me happy.

My kitchen is very Japanese inspired - white base with sage green accents, bamboo blond pieces, and black or white appliances. My bathroom is white with navy colored middle eastern inspired accents. My study is white, blue, yellow, and green, the focal point being from a large Ghibli Castle in the Sky mural. And my bedroom is cottagecore fairytale with a base palette of white, green, yellow, red, and dark woods.

#4 - I can collect art from my favorite artists

For the final visual theme, ART. Growing up, my mom was a freelance artist. Our home was decorated with pieces she had made herself. From osmosis, I assumed either you were rich enough to buy original pieces, you were creative enough to make your own, or your were neither and were reduced to the cheap mass produced pieces one bought at hobby stores.

I inherited my mother’s talent for art and felt I couldn’t hang up anything on my own walls unless I had made it myself. Because why by someone else’s work when I could make my own?

But this was a problem because what I made didn’t always seem good enough for me to stare at it for hours and that would just make me grumpy.

And then I discovered that a lot of my favorite digital artists had shops. And from those shops, you could order prints.

And I realized buying prints was actually a very important thing to do, because it was supporting a freelance artist, like my mom had been. And what could be better than that? Plus I got to have beautiful pieces hanging in my place for me to stare at and visually stim to.

#5 - Just because something is a name brand and expensive doesn’t mean I can’t buy it if I can afford it

For years my mother has pointed out that I have expensive taste. For some reason I tend to gravitate towards the priciest items without even knowing how expensive they are. She also has a tendency to tell me I’m terrible with money (though living on my own without going into debt for over 10 years now should have proved to her and myself that that isn’t true).

Naturally this evolved into a strange complex of me thinking I didn’t deserve to buy name brand products.

And then I discovered Torrid (which by my upbringing is a name brand), and threw caution to the wind to buy clothes that I loved despite them not being on sale (though I still waited for sales and used discounts whenever possible).

And then I heard a rumor that Mazda wasn’t going to be making the Mazda3 model that I was in love with (because so many things about it from the color to the chassis reminded me of my favorite transformer, TFP Knockout). My old car was starting to break down and I decided I had saved enough for a new car (because it seemed getting a house where I lived would never happen anyway), and I bought my brand new dream car.

I know Mazda and Torrid probably aren’t considered high end name brands by posh people, but to me they are. Because growing up my clothes came from thrift stores or Walmart or from the sales racks at Kohls. I was never allowed to buy anything new at full price. When my family got new cars, the old ones had to be dead and the new ones were purchased for their practicality, not their looks.

My parents kept a tight leash on their finances. Both came from poorer families that had to make hard decisions and be creative to get by at times. And I appreciate the money saving tips they gave me.

But this is my life, and I need to find and make my own happiness. That doesn’t mean buying whatever I want whenever I want, but it also means not denying myself little luxuries because I don’t think I deserve them.

This hit me so hard.

As someone who is autistic.

As someone who never had a hometown.

As someone who is first generation Mexican American.

As someone who is half first generation Mexican American.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere or with any group. Because I wasn’t neurotypical enough. Because I hadn’t lived there long enough. Because I wasn’t American enough. Because I wasn’t Mexican enough. Because I was too different.

And finally, it hits me - I don’t “belong”. And that’s okay - great, even. Because that is my Strength.

Thank you, Xiran Jay Zhao, for writing these beautiful words. They mean more to me than I could ever express.